Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be pissed off with family?!

48 replies

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 11:20

Basically, my parents live an hour away. Since leaving home 20 years ago I have religiously gone home for Christmas. This year I put my foot down and said I was staying at home. I have 3 children and think its unfair to drag them between my house and both sets of parents on Christmas day.The in laws pefectly happy with this but my family refused to come and break the tradition of having family Christmas with extended family. Bit pee'd off really that they couldn't make effort to see grandkids on Christmas day, but that's there loss. Anyway, they agreed to come to us today. I'm 39 wks pregnant and also didn't fancy being away from my hospital. My brother (who can't ever do any wrong) is a chef and dm had told me that he was going to cook for us. As the weeks have gone on he has offered to do less and less so I have been out and bought easy buffet food. I phoned them this morning and basically my dm has moaned that I'm not catering for my fussy fathers dietary needs. They have also insisted that I do an early tea as my df wants to be home by 6. (They live an hour away) they've not set off yet and realistically are not going to be here before 1pm. My db still isn't out of bed, so the chances of him preparing any food before they set off is unlikely. I'm so pissed off that they have left all the organisation to me and are dictating what we eat, when we eat and are likely to simply eat and then leave!! Aibu???

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 26/12/2013 11:24

I'd be tempted to call them back and say they're leaving it a bit late.

Or say you're having 'twinges'.

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 11:26

Ha, ha love it!!! Never even thought of that beauty. I'm having a section tomorrow and have been told any concerns to go straight down so maybe the twinges story would work well. Me and dh could just Bugger off to pub (I mean assessment unit) for a few hours!!

OP posts:

Sirzy · 26/12/2013 11:27

You can't be angry with them for not wanting to visit yesterday, you basically wanted them to drop their plans with the extended family just to suit you? Perfectly fine if you don't want to go but that doesn't mean they have to come to you.

They are visiting today, they shouldn't complain about the food you are providing (unless they dietary requirements are medical of course) and should have confirmed things like timings sooner but I wouldn' be too pissed off. Sounds like you will have 4-5 hours together, little bit of food and a get together, just enjoy that instead of getting annoyed.

Silentelf · 26/12/2013 11:30

Ah bless you, YANBU. But people get funny about their traditions and doing things as they've always done it, try to take a deep breath and let it slide. Your bro probably doesn't feel like cooking when he does this all day every day, I'm sure he'll be so glad you've treated them to a nice buffet. And maybe they are trying to be a bit considerate keeping their visit short so you can still rest later.

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 12:16

Df has no medical conditions just very fussy. He expected a full Christmas dinner again like they have t home every boxing day at 2pm. He's miffed also that we eat later in the evening, as opposed to having tea at 5pm. It's just frustrating as my in laws are coming too and fil is diabetic so we try to work around his needs. If we eat at 4pm it cocks up his medication and bloods. My Df never makes an effort to come here. Will come on kids birthdays and that's about it. He expects us to always visit there. I don't know why I bother getting upset when this happens. He moans everytime.

OP posts:

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 12:50

It just gets better! They've not yet set off, they are not answering my calls and now my brother has decided that its not going to be feasible for him to come and bring 12month old as he needs to be in bed for 7! I've now got kids here sat waiting for everyone to arrive with continual questions of when is granny going to be here? When is uncle going to be here? Seriously fecked off with them all. Tempted to just tell them all to forget it.

OP posts:

nennypops · 26/12/2013 12:52

How do you know they've not set off if they're not answering calls?

NigellasDealer · 26/12/2013 12:53

kazza phone them and tell them you have gone into labour.
then take the children to wetherspoons for lunch.
your family are being entirely unreasonable in view of your condition.

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 13:37

OP posts:

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 13:42

nennypops spoke to my brother who was supposed to be coming with them. He was waiting for them to arrive. I detect there has been a fall out between my brother & dad. My brother is a real pain in arse. Constantly let's my kids down saying he will do something or visit but never does. That's why I was pissed off he's let me down on contributing something to the dinner. His text telling me he was no longer coming makes it sound like something has gone on. (He's staying with them over Christmas.) I feel sorry for my dm who always gets stuck in middle of them fighting and always has to be the one that tries to sort things our, (like moaning I've not catered for Df's needs, problem is she is not very subtle!)

OP posts:

jpy1989 · 26/12/2013 13:42

Tell them all to bugger off!!! I think they are been unreasonable your about to have a bloody baby!!!!! I agree with everyone else would say your having twinges and your not feeling upto it and go to the pub!!! You will probably have a better time and won't be worrying about everyone else or stay in and put your feet up eat and watch rubbish!!! Good luck'!! Xx

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 13:44

Cheers nigellasdealer I'm just going to let it by pass. If they turn up they turn up but I'm not rushing with dinner now on anyone's account. I'd made a huge pot of homemade soup for lunch for them all but hey ho!!

OP posts:

AnitaManeater · 26/12/2013 13:46

OMG you are having a baby / major op tomorrow and they still can't put you and your family first for once? I really feel for you!!

SilverApples · 26/12/2013 13:46

Do the women in your family always run around for the menfolk?
Placate their paddies, cater to their whims? Tolerate rudeness and unhelpful, egocentric attitudes?
What gender are your children?

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 13:55

They do indeed silverapples well my mum does. I don't put up with it hence me standing by decision to do buffet and in the evening not at lunch time. I've 2boys & 1 girl.

OP posts:

Holdthepage · 26/12/2013 13:55

Your parents sound totally inconsiderate but you will know better for next year won't you?

ComposHat · 26/12/2013 13:57

end up grinding my teeth in anger when anyone says 'its a family tradition.'

9 times out of 10 playing the 'family tradition' card is a passive-aggressive way of preserving arrangements that suit them.

SilverApples · 26/12/2013 13:58

I come from a very traditional family set up, and I think breaking the mold of bowing down to the Male is an excellent plan. It is an unpleasant system fueled by guilt and the weight of expectation.
You are almost due, with young children. You should currently be top of the heap with minions running around you.

SoloXantiaClaws · 26/12/2013 14:17

I'm a bit confused! your brother is waiting for your parents, but your brother is staying with your parents over Christmas.

I only had one small bottle of Crabbies yesterday too!

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 14:37

My m&d have buggered off out somewhere, my brother is at their house waiting for them to return to bring them all here. Traditional Christmas with my family entails meeting at one of the aunts house in the morning, all the men then bugger off to pub, women return home and make lunch then returns to pub when lunch is ready to pick up the drunken men. Everyone then has lunch, men continue drinking then have a snooze while women tidy up!!

OP posts:

SilverApples · 26/12/2013 14:41

Tradition
Tradition!

21st century life, 19th century traditions. Time to change.
Feed who you like, when you like and plate/microwave their food when they turn up. It sounds like a puppet show, with your parents pulling the strings.

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 14:44

It's a bloody show alright. Would be great for a Christmas corrie scene. It's fine the longer they are the easier it is to meet needs of diabetic father in law!! Will save me a fortune if brother doesn't turn up, will just recycle his family gifts elsewhere! Xx

OP posts:

SilverApples · 26/12/2013 14:46

Sooooo Grasshopper, what are your origins?
Mine was traditional Yorkshire mining town, where men were men and women were grateful.

Oddsocksrus · 26/12/2013 14:53

I wonder if they are there?
We have a fun one today... Next door neighbours are coming in a bit for some food, a few drinks, a chat and the kids can play.
My parents were hurt at not being invited so they and my brother were duly invited as well.
They aren't now coming as the time doesn't suit, this is after changing the food to suit them and making the whole thing a bit more formal as they won't do sitting around playing games and getting pissed which is what we usually do with the neighbours.
Yesterday we went to them for lunch, got there at 12 as ordered to find lunch wasn't until three. No munchies, dd4 was spoken to very sharply for stating she was hungry and I got a lecture about parenting as she was restless at the table when we finally sat down...
Today it isn't good enough because we are catering for the needs of the neighbours who are working half days, we also declined to drive my brother home an hour away, he was meant to be staying with them but they thought they could leave him with us and we could 'drop' him back instead of him getting the train in the morning.... (There are many good reasons why he isn't allowed to stay in this house, fire and theft the start of the list..)
The parents have also changed a party tomorrow to Saturday when we are meant to be with friends, they told us yesterday and we got equal measure of the emotional chain pulling..
It is families, parents want their children to do what they want, no matter of our ages.

Put your feet up op, big day tomorrow, if they come they can help themselves, if they don't then the rest of the family is well catered for when you are in hospital.

Good luck for tomorrow, hope it all goes to plan

Original poster

kazza446 · 26/12/2013 22:38

They came!! Arrived unannounced at 330pm. It was a nightmare... Brother hadn't made what he promised to, didn't even bring any beer. Luckily I had plenty of extra food and beer in. They basically opened presents and then expected food. When food was ready, my Df decided he would sit in kitchen to eat whilst everyone else was in lounge. Db ate half of what he selected then buggered off outside for cigarette. No effort to make or engage in discussion. Dm & Df argued as I asked him courteously to join rest of party in front room. We cleaned up after main buffet. My kids had been waiting all day to play dominoes. Suggested we played whilst pudding was cooking. My db then decided it was too late for his 11month old son to be out (this was 630) and said that they had to go there and then. Df put his coat on and they packed up. I lost it at this point as I had done do many puddings and they had not made an effort what so ever. Kids were gutted they couldnt stay to play dominoes. My poor mum put dome desert in a bowl, wrapped it and took it home with her and then left upset. I am absolutely speechless.. thankfully my in laws are fab. They stayed, we played dominoes with kids and had a few drinks which made the evening more worthwhile. Never again will I offer. Interestingly my dm is expecting me to return to tradition next year and be at her house for Christmas dinner!
Thank you oddsocksrus for your kind words. It seemslike you & I have had similar family nightmares past few days.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2