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Original poster

My weight...again

57 replies

thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 10:48

My dm has always had a problem with my weight. I have always been a large girl now a size 20. My dm is and always has been obsessed with her weight. She criticises me because of it, watches and comments what I eat , what I wear. Had stated she thinks I should have a gastric band fitted.
When I was 7 she watched me do ballet and afterwards said I looked like a baby elephant. I never went back to ballet.
She has again 9am on Boxing Day started this whole conversation/ discussion saying she's worried about my health.

Am I being unreasonable ?
Typing this with tears streaming. Now feeling as usual a failureHmm

OP posts:
PointyChristmasFairyWand · 26/12/2013 15:25

OP, I don't think your mum is trying to be helpful at all, nor is she acting out of concern for your health. You say she is 'disgusted' any time she sees a larger person - that tells me she is the one who has issues. Don't let her pile them on you. Personally I'd be telling her 'The front door is that way, please use it now.' any time she started in, but then I'm hard.

Just don't put up with it. If nothing else the old 'Did you mean to be so rude?' standby is always there for you.

gimcrack · 26/12/2013 15:45

Tell her to fuck off. Your weight, your business.

If your weight is bothering you - as opposed to her - then think about what you can do to change that.

jonicomelately · 26/12/2013 15:48

My DM and df worry themselves senseless about my dsis's weight. They are worried for her health. They never say anything to her though for fear of upsetting her.

revivingsnowshower · 26/12/2013 16:06

There's a big difference between being genuinely concerned for someones health and constantly criticizing someone in a way that makes it clear you think less of someone who is overweight. Basically for how they look.
I have a weight problem and I try hard not to pass my issues on to dd. Not always easy.

BadgersNadgers · 26/12/2013 18:27

My mother's comments contributed to an eating disorder. She always says she doesn't know how I ended up like that because she never said a word about my weight even when I was ENORMOUS. I struggle to eat in her company, she's an arse. I think your Mum needs a talking to.

astyinmyeye · 26/12/2013 18:34

Poor you Sad...I can imagine how shit it must have been to grow up with a mother like that...calling her 7 years old daughter a baby elephant. I have an almost 7 years old here at home, I'll never imagine calling her like that but it seems to be a generation thing or something...I got regularly called a fat cow by my dad and brothers and it marked me too like you...I'm on the heavy side but thanks god in an other country. I'm not much help, I'm sorry, I wish I could make you feel better but be sure that the horrible person is her not you !

Original poster
thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 18:51

Again thank you all. Writing this again with tears falling.... But with joy that you are all so kind Smile thank you for putting a smile only face x

OP posts:
manchestermummy · 26/12/2013 18:56

I got similar from my mum. At 6 she declared I was fat and took me to a dietician. I wanted to dance but she said I was too fat and uncoordinated. I look a photos of myself then and I wasn't huge but I became that fat girl: a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am now a 10/12 but I'm short so should be slimmer and still she looks at me like I am a whale.

biryani · 26/12/2013 19:08

You need to be tougher with her. She's not doing this for your benefit. She is to blame, partly at least,for your weight. I think she's enjoying having the upper hand. She knows it's upsetting you, and is using your weight as a stick to beat you with, for her own warped pleasure.

If your weight bothers you, do something about it. If it doesn't, that's your business, not your mother's. Remember you are an adult now, and you can choose to ignore her taunting.

foreverondiet · 26/12/2013 19:44

Are you overweight / obese though? If my child was indulging in behaviour that was affecting her health be it smoking / drugs / alcohol / over eating then i would say something. Sounds like she said it in an insensitive way but I beeline it's her responsibility to say something.

Sirzy · 26/12/2013 19:45

But forever, the fact she was so insensitive was the problem. I can understand parents being concerned but they need to handle it with care and offering support rather than judgement.

carvedpumpkin · 26/12/2013 19:50

I always felt that way too, that I was too big for dancing etc, and ironically all it did was put me off exercise. I know I'm big and need to lose weight but it hurts to hear it from others. I'm sorry your mum was so horrible, I think they don't realise how hurtful it is when they just see it as 'speaking plainly'. If you want to lose weight to it for yourself, it's the only way you'll really be motivated to do it properly and keep it off anyway - I know because I've still not got there yet!!!

MisguidedHamwidge · 26/12/2013 20:05

If you were overweight at 7 then it was your mother's responsibility. If I thought one of my children was unhealthily overweight then I certainly wouldn't comment on it to them, but I would encourage more exercise & look at the meals and snacks I was offering.

Maybe your mother wants/needs you to be big for some reason, so that she can put you fine and disguise it as concern.

She sounds like she is being an absolute bitch. If it has been going on since you were a child then if is abusive behaviour. You had no choice about her behaviour as a child but you do have a choice now.

If you really want her to stay in your life, you could simply say to her "You are welcome to be in my life but you are not welcome to criticise me. If you continue to criticise then I want you to leave/I will be leaving". Repeat, repeat,
repeat! She gets one warning & after that you show her the door or you walk away.

Don't worry about causing a scene if there are others present - your mother is the only person that needs to be embarrassed about her behaviour. The problem lies with her not with you. Flowers

MisguidedHamwidge · 26/12/2013 20:06
  • so that she can put you down, not fine!
Original poster
thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 20:44

When I look at photos of myself as a child I was not overweight and fat. But I was known as chubby compared to my brother. My dm is critical over most things regarding myself and has said done very hurtful things in the past, a lot about my weight. I understand that my health could be suffering due to extra weight But then why does she buy me chocolate for Xmas and encourage me to have the left overs etc ! I am calmer now but just feel so sad that this has happened. Thankfully I have great support from dh and dc.

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 26/12/2013 20:50

Send her home. She is insulting and unkind. Bet she just loves having this stick to beat you with and always has done. Probably why she also gives you chocolate. Just remember, she's the one with the problem.

biryani · 26/12/2013 21:21

She wants you to stay big, obviously. Maybe she likes to use your size to exercise control over you: while you're big, andeating what she's offering you, you're still the fat child. Do you think she may have deliberately fed you up to be overweight as a child? So that she could criticise you?

She sounds to me that shevwill continue to feed and criticise until you prove to her that:

her opinion doesn't matter, or
you can lose weight and thus prove that her criticism is unfounded.

At the moment, you still seem to be be behaving like the fat child you once were. But you're an adult now, and you need to be in control of your own life.

Janethegirl · 26/12/2013 22:09

My sister and I had very controlling parents. I turned anorexic ( well under control now though) and dear sis ate everything in sight. I'm guessing your mum is still trying to control you. You need to let her know it's your body, your choice. If you do want to lose weight, please don't tell her because I'm guessing she'll try to scupper your chances before you begin. Ultimately you need to tell her to back off. Hope you succeed in what you want.

Thants · 26/12/2013 22:13

Tell her to stfu. Seriously people like this are not worth your time. Your body, your business.

Thants · 26/12/2013 22:19

People bang on about weight so much more than do about other 'health' problems and it simply because they care about the way you look. Parents caring so much if their kids look conventionally attractive is odd to me but the 'health' issue is a red herring.

Sleepwhenidie · 26/12/2013 22:29

Lots of wise words here Words, none of us can really say what your DM's motivations are in treating you this way, maybe you have your own ideas, but there is no doubt her words are cruel and hurtful. We can do so much damage to our children Sad.

How do you feel about your body? Do you have DC's?

OpalTourmaline · 26/12/2013 22:35

Sorry you are upset. Your mum is being a cow and if you were overweight at 7 it was entirely your mum's fault, not yours as parents provide the food at that age.

I like JonSnow's way of dealing with her grandma, and it sounds like it worked, so you could try that

MadAsFish · 26/12/2013 22:58

Whilst I can see that these comments are very upsetting and unnecessarily cruel, I can understand the motivation behind them.

I can't. I'm not sure making critical and unkind remarks about someone's weight has ever had the desired effect - it's not like we're unaware we're fat. All it does is kick off the self-loathing, and a frenzy of ultimately unproductive behaviour - starving or bingeing.
On a differerent tack, I have observed for my mother's generation, they saw their daughters' appearance as a reflection on them, so being fat was seen as their failure (my mother basically belongs to the Victorian/Edwardian era for various reasons).

sykadelic15 · 27/12/2013 02:38

Agree with MadAsFish.

We are more than aware we're overweight. We think about it ALL the time. Getting dressed, getting undressed, sitting (is my gut jutting out?), standing up (is my shirt pulled down/pants up)... in the summer (wish I could wear a bikini/bathers without being stared at/feeling like a whale), in the winter (all this bulk just makes me look fatter!).

All the above has people saying "then do something about it!". You know, it's not always that easy. Some people gain weight for medical reasons (which is the camp I'm in right now but I'm sure not completely). Some people gain weight because of emotional illness (eating your feelings, things like that). Some people are just "built" bigger (my bones are bigger than my mothers and my sisters as evidenced by our wrist bones)... and yes some are bigger because they overeat or binge eat (again which I me. One of my illnesses is forgetting to eat and not noticing I'm hungry so night time rolls around and I realise I need to eat so I grab the nearest/quickest thing).

I am trying though, like many who need to lose weight, but it can be a slow process. I've got one medical condition diagnosed and have started treatment. I was told it will take 6 months to start seeing a change. There are a few other things over the months I will start to change but the main one right now is to start to eat properly (regular times) to "fix" my metabolism.

People with weight issues don't need to hear they have the problem. If you cared you wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless they had medical issues arising from the weight gain.

I am a size 14/36 in the ribcage and 18/20/22 or so in pants - depending on brand - and my BP is low 103/58 and my cholesterol, and sugar levels are well within norms... I'm just FAT and unfit, not unhealthy. They don't always go together.

Thants · 27/12/2013 09:22

Skyadelic. You nor anyway else needs to justify why your body is a certain way. It simply doesn't matter. It is your body and no one else's business.