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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children in parental home

48 replies

VeryExasperated · 26/12/2013 02:46

At what age should children stop behaving as if it's their home? I mean rummaging through cupboards taking any food they want, while never lifting a finger to help wash up etc. My DSCs are in mid to late 20 s. Actually when they were teenagers I I'd try to make them help, but don't want the aggro for a few days' visit, but I find it extraordinary that adults just sit merrily hoovering down food while never offering to cook or load dishwasher etc

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 03:15

My child will always be able to treat my house at his home. But then I'll also expect that even when he lives here he'll be able to chip in with the housework. Why don't you just tell them? Fuming about it isn't going to change the situation.

Eastpoint · 26/12/2013 03:40

One way of dealing with this would be to say 'Who is going to load the dishwasher & who is going to wash up?' in a jolly way at the end of a meal. Does your partner feel he should be grateful his dcs have spent time with him & so not want to challenge them to behave in a normal fashion? Sorry but I don't have any advice about them rummaging through your cupboards looking for food, but I think it shows the same basic disrespect for you & your partner/their father.

HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies · 26/12/2013 03:48

It is extraordinary behaviour. My DSis and I (30s) certainly still treat our parents house like home (if hungry we will find something to eat etc!) when we visit but this includes pitching in with cleaning, cooking, washing, dog walking etc. The only exception to this is if we are unwell, heavily pregnant or something when mum packs us off to bed to rest while she has the chance to look after us.

Chottie · 26/12/2013 06:29

My DC and partner are staying here and they all pitch in with cooking, clearing up and whatever else needs doing.

I don't mind them helping themselves to drink or food, but would expect them to clear up after themselves and bring used tableware back to the kitchen.

I think you ought to give them jobs to do. Can't you suggest that they take over cooking a meal for everyone and clearing up afterwards too.

SantasPelvicFloor · 26/12/2013 06:32

I just allocate jobs. Would you lay the table, empty the dishwasher, take the bin out, bring your plates out.... With a smile and they do it. Even other peoples older DC (20) !!

TheGreatHunt · 26/12/2013 06:33

Well they should have been pitching in as children. If they didn't then no wonder they don't know. We generally revert to childhood around our parents.

Ask them to help.

Joysmum · 26/12/2013 07:15

I don't ask for help, I expect it and I delegate.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:07

I agree that you just delegate tasks with a smile as you go along. That's what I do.

Just say. 'X can you collect the plates and pop them in the dishwasher thanks' or 'y can you wash those few dishes for me?' Etc.

That's what I expect of all my house guests and they all cheerfully pitch in.

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 26/12/2013 08:09

My god the martyrs in MN.

Tell them to get off their lazy bottoms and help!

Lweji · 26/12/2013 08:18

Yes, tell them what their tasks are at home and how much they should contribute towards bills and food.
Make them do all the wash up or house cleaning, and at least their own clothes.

Lweji · 26/12/2013 08:18

Or cook, if you can endure their efforts.

wigglesrock · 26/12/2013 08:49

Just tell them to do it! I really don't get this on MN. "Put the dishwasher on", "make the tea", "run the Hoover over", "carry the washing upstairs". These phrases are the backbone of my mums house

I'm 39 & spent yesterday in my mum's. We rummage through cupboards, have a nosy, but we set the table, served up, cleared up, she's weird about her dishwasher so she does that. But most importantly we kept her topped up nicely with drink & didn't let my Nana wind her up.

TidyDancer · 26/12/2013 08:53

I don't really understand the dynamic in the OP's situation. Do you want them to behave and feel like guests so you do pretty much everything, or do you actually want their help and therefore for them to treat it like home? It's not clear.

Children, even when adults, should never not feel like it's their home when they go to their parents IMO. Part of that should be pitching in to help.

Snowdown · 26/12/2013 08:59

Yep kids should be helping from the minute they can. We have slacked off on rules regarding eating and bedtimes over Christmas but have told the dcs, who are teenagers now, that getting out of tidying up after themselves it non negotiable - I am not their servant, and that message will continue into adulthood.

foreverondiet · 26/12/2013 09:01

I would always want my children to treat my house as their home - but would def expect them to help. If help is not forthcoming would do a rota of who is helping with which chore so that everyone understands the rules! When I first when to dh house I couldn't believe that dh and his two sisters did nothing to help - I washed up / help serve etc without even being asked and when they saw me helping both sisters helped - dh needed a talking to later...

Anyoneforacheckup · 26/12/2013 09:04

I got the impression OP means tat they don't ask for certain foods? Treats they just take them . Maybe discipline was poor as teenagers and they are just continuing whereas OP thought they would be more aware and mature now?

NearTheWindmill · 26/12/2013 09:09

Again always treat our home as their home and to know they have a home here but if they were sitting around and being lazy I would give them jobs to do and they would expect to be given them. They are 15 and 19 btw.

thegreylady · 26/12/2013 09:11

My dc are 39 and 43. There will never be a day when they cannot rummage in drawers or eat what's in the fridge when they visit, nor will there be a day when they are not asked to help out if I want help. However, I quite enjoy spoiling them a bit when they are here.
Do your dc live at home?

HerlockSholmes · 26/12/2013 09:16

they should definitely help. i am 24 and mum only lives round the corner so i am there alot. i am welcome to get myself a drink or something to eat, but i make sure to offer to get for my parents and clear up.

if my mum wants something done she just says "Herlock, would you clear the empty cups for me/hang this washing out quickly etc. and i do it.

i doubt they would refuse but sometimes when you are young you just don't think about it quite as much.

fluffyduckie · 26/12/2013 09:19

I am 28 and live with my parents. I pay (minimal) rent plus a share of the bills and expenses and buy my own food. If they cook something I like I will have some and I cook for them too. Although they are fussier than me!

I work full time, help around the house, and also care for a family member. It would be easy to slip into child mode though and to be messy and to expect the ironing fairies to reappear! It works pretty well most of the time.

Anyoneforacheckup · 26/12/2013 09:20

I think knowing you can be comfortable in your parents home is one thing but if they came home and ate the Xmas treats before Christmas while you were at work , opening crisps, chocolates, biscuits etc how would that go?

FanFuckingTastic · 26/12/2013 09:23

Our family home has always been open to us in times of need and we treat it like our own home. My mum has simple rules that she won't look after us and we should chip in with jobs and keep our own things tidy. We pay what we can towards bills and I know I do lots of extra jobs around the house to make up for having a low income.

nagynolonger · 26/12/2013 09:31

I want my adult DC to always think of the family home as their home....but within reason. They have always know that while we are able there will always be a meal and a bed for them and theirs. The bank of mum and dad was never going to exist for them but we would help out in a crisis (not repeated self inflicted type).

I've only had trouble with the eldest helping himself from cupboards and the fridge and in the end I did tell him to at least ask first. He is always welcome for a meal but I don't like 'grazing'. I wouldn't do it at his house so he shouldn't do it here. Christmas is a bit different. If I invite them over all the food, chocs, drink is there for everyone to help themselves. Other times I have those living here permanently in mind when I shop so buy certain numbers items and thing for planned meals. It did piss me off a bit when he just popped in and helped himself without asking.

Re adults expecting waitress service. Just tell them to do things. The rule that those that cook don't wash up is a good start.

Two adult DC and one girlfriend are here this Christmas in addition to me DH and 3 nearly grown up sons. DS and girlfriend have brought all the wine and DD paid for the Christmas eve shop. Everyone helped on the day the only people to have a free ride should be the elderly and parents with babies or toddlers.

Binkybix · 26/12/2013 09:41

I think they should help for sure but you sound annoying about the rummaging in cupboards. Unless they're eating stuff set aside for meals I think you should just relax about that.

Beastofburden · 26/12/2013 09:44

If I want my adult vultures children not to eat something I will say "hands off the mushrooms, they are tomorrows risotto" or whatever. After all, they are not psychic.

I ask my only non-resident child to help in the same tone as I would ask an adult friend to help, if I need to. But he tends to revert to his old childhood chores anyway. If yours dont, ask them. They may genuinely not be thinking about how much work it all is.

You have got DC who still like you as adults and are happy to come home. This is a great chievement! I am sure they love you enough to do their share if you ask assertively, which is to say, clearly, specifically, and without emotion.

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