Adult children in parental home

[VeryExasperated]

At what age should children stop behaving as if it's their home? I mean rummaging through cupboards taking any food they want, while never lifting a finger to help wash up etc. My DSCs are in mid to late 20 s. Actually when they were teenagers I I'd try to make them help, but don't want the aggro for a few days' visit, but I find it extraordinary that adults just sit merrily hoovering down food while never offering to cook or load dishwasher etc

DC should always be able to rummage in the cupboards for food to eat.

DC should have to wash up or otherwise contribute from as soon as they are able - well under 10. So you were a bit late trying to insist by teenagers - when were they allowed in the cupboards to get food?

As others have said, you seem confused - part of not being a guest so not needing to wash up, is the freedom to eat what you want (subject to vaguely identifying crucial ingredients and not eating them if there's no obvious opportunity to replace.)

The other point to make is that your DC may genuinely be thinking of time at your home as the most lovely, relaxing break possible. If they are at a very busy time in their lives, working full time, trying to make their careers, with young DC perhaps, they may well be exhausted. They may say, "it's so lovely to go to mums, it will always be home and she really spoils us, we don't have to lift a finger".

So if, in fact, they don't come all that often, they are very very busy, and you no longer have small kids at home and are perhaps retired from work, then actually I would ask for help when I got tired, but not resent it.

Is it their 'family home' or did you move to it when they were adults- I think that makes a difference? We visit my MIL in her second home in the city where we live but it is not the 'family' home, it is her flat. We only visit for an afternoon for a specific, formal meal and coffee. We do not clean up other than carrying plates through to the kitchen. We do offer to wash up but she always insists on us not doing this. I think she treats us more like adult friends invited for a meal. We wouldn't dream of rummaging through anything or even helping ourselves to a glass of water!

On the other hand we are currently visiting my Mum and staying here for a few days- I've just finished a spring clean of the kitchen as it is hard for my Mum to scrub at things as she has painful wrists. I would never expect her to wait on us and DC.

I hope my dc will always consider it their home, as I did with my parents home. In our family though, that means mucking in with the washing up or whatever needs doing, as part of the family, not being treated as one off guests who might be "looked after" more.

Tell them they are expected to help. That is what MIL did yesterday, and we helped with the cooking (Turkey etc for 11 people), setting and clearing the table. Then when BIL and his family left, Dh and I cleaned up, filled the dishwasher, and DH vacuumed everywhere the kids had been (trailing crumbs and buts of tinsel). We left it immaculate - as we should, it isn't fair not to clean up after yourself.
You just need to be firm about wanting help and what with.
As for the food, with DH that seems a harder problem, but we do try to counter act that by taking food with us (like mince pies and cakes), but then my FIL is one of those who likes to feed us up before we leave .

Adult children shouldn't ever stop behaving as if their parents house is their home. My daughter is in her 20s and still rummages through the cupboards and takes stuff back to her flat because she's spent all her money on alcohol skint. I wouldn't have it any other way. On the flip side, she helps out when she's here with cooking/cleaning/babysitting/whatever.

I have two adult children living at home, we split up the household tasks between the four of us. Just like we've always done.
My house will always have space for my children, but then they've never abused that. It is more about how you have enabled their attitudes through the years.
Change what you are unhappy with.

It's really down to how you were raised. My siblings and I still feel at home when visiting parents home, yet we will cleanup after ourselves, or offer to bring over any food. Most people I know are like this anyway.

I had a pile of jobs to do yesterday before the meal. It took 6 of us half an hour to do them with direction from me. Would have been nearly 3 hours if I had done them all. Then we all sat down and vegetated for a few hours. Great fun. My kids are only 20 and 18 at uni/ drama school and working flat out. They will do anything I ask though especially youngest as he has just left home this year and is shocked how much there is to do to look after yourself.

It's annoying having to ask - it would be nice if DDs looked around them and thought ''X, Y, Z needs doing'' - but hey ho ...

At weekends i'll say 'right, no slobbing till chores are done' ie: animals fed, hoovering done, washing on/hung up, dry washing folded and taken to right room, washing-up done and put away and clothes and shoes back up in rooms.

During the week the same applies if they are not at school or college.

DDs are 15, 18 and 21. The eldest only stays overnight once or twice a week now. She loves to help with the cooking though, and always has, so jumps in to help with that without asking. Other two wash and dry after dinner every night.

'It's really down to how you were raised.'

This is the key, really. Train the puppy and you don't end up with a huge dog that won't listen and you can't make it do anything it doesn't feel like doing.

My home will always be a home to my dd - but as such I would expect her to treat it as such and not a hotel.....

The behaviour you describe is not "behaving as if it's their home".

If that behaviour was acceptable when they lived there then YABU to expect any different.

I'll never not treat my folks home as my own.
But like anything if you lack common sense or take liberties it's a problem.
So when I'm over and get cooked dinner ill load the dishwasher or empty the bond etc because I try not to be a self absorbed prick.

So the answer to your question is really "for as long as everyone acts sensibly"

*bins

I think, as others have said, it depends on how you expected them to behave when they lived there/grew up. PILs never allowed DH to do anything because he would ruin/break something. So he has been brought actively told not to help, and with parents actually getting angry if he tries. It's quite soul destroying really.

My half sister never was asked to help as she was always a 'visitor' (albeit a very regular one), so she was treated like a VIP guest and i had to wait on her. Now my parents moan when she visits as she does fuck all, as do her DH and 9yo twins. I am expected to chip in with housework, bring food and wine and cook. My sister and her DH just sit there, they wont even carry their plates to the kitchen if asked. She also does everything for her dc when she is at home, as she truly believes a parents job is to wait on their children regardless of age and to give them all their money. SHe feels once you have children you disappear as a person in your own right, and you should just facilitate your dc for the rest of your life, never go out and save every penny for them. I do not agree.

However, i would always help myself to food in my parents home as would DH and neither was expected to ask as children. I find it very odd you would make people ask for food in their own home regardless of age. If you are hungry you are hungry.

' I find it very odd you would make people ask for food in their own home regardless of age.'

People help themselves here, but like beast, I'll say 'Don't eat the mushrooms' or there'll be a yell of 'Can I cook the chicken legs?' from a forager.

Yes, if it was raw meat or something i wouldn't cook it without asking first, but i know people who have to ask if just having a cheese sandwich.

We do have a rule that if you take the last of something, or almost the last bit, you have to write it on the shopping list.

I agree with Goldenbear. If the current home has never been the family home then I think that can have a major bearing on things.

I dont agree to helping oneself to food in any circumstance. We meal plan so would be pretty hacked off if anyone (including resident DCs) just helped themselves. We would certainly not help ourselves in anyone else's house.

Obviously everybody's home rules are different. However IMO the rules of guest not resident start once DCs have their own homes.

I think your OP is a little confusing. The family home should always FEEL like home, but your DSC's aren't treating it as home. If this were their house they'd actually be making their own dinner, doing their own laundry, having to pick up after themselves. They're living in a hotel where they don't have to do jack, they have "staff" to take care of that.

You're actually doing them a disservice by allowing them to have no responsibilities. My brother lives with mum still (he's 25) and he has next to no life skills. He doesn't remember to pay board on time (and has a pre-paid phone so no responsibility there). He doesn't clean. He doesn't do his own laundry. He'll either eat out or eat what mum has cooked. The one time he moved out with a friend they got evicted because they never paid their bills on time.

So honestly, I think it's time you sit down with the kids and tell them what you expect. You can't MAKE them do anything by this age of course but you can tell them to move out if they don't like it. They're adults and it's time they started acting like adults. You shouldn't have to give them "chores" but they may force you to do so. I suggest doing their own laundry (if they don't already). Asking for "board" money to pay their way with household bills (elec etc being higher because of them living there). Telling them to buy their own groceries OR adding board money to cover certain groceries.

My brother likes to use the line "that's not my mess". He'll realise once he moves out again and oh to be a fly on the wall when that happens!