to think this is just plain rude

[formerbabe]

My Christmas guests have just left. I spent hundreds of pounds on food and drink and hours cooking it! I host every single year so its not like we take it in turns. My in laws didn't bring a single thing....not a bottle of wine/soft drink/chocolates/flowers. Literally empty handed and not a single offer of help with cooking/cleaning up.....

F. U. M. I. N. G.

OP... Just stop, really. It's not relaxing for you and I doubt that it's enjoyable for other people or appreciated either because martyrism is really obvious and very annoying.

My mum does this; wants absolute control, wants to host everything, doesn't let anybody help - and absolutely relishes her role as the rusher-around-doing-this-doing-that and really enjoying a moan at the end of it all. Maybe it's a generational thing but if you don't enjoy hosting and have expectations of help/items but can't or won't tell people what you need, you really shouldn't do it.

I'm glad you've spoken to your husband about it but why is it a question of your money and his? Don't you have joint money? Your husband should also be helping - perhaps taking over the hosting when it's his family being guests?

Totally agree with every word Lying says, and reiterate her questions. I don't think you're intentionally playing the martyr, but that IS what's happening here. I don't think your husband should be the one to shoulder all the work either - that'd be him feeling just as put upon as you do now.

You need to strive towards a fair, balanced way of gathering the family where everyone shares the workload and expense.

Next year book a hotel Christmas lunch, send them the menu with a note saying that you have booked & paid for yourself but they are welcome to join you if they pay for themselves.

YANBU

They sound awfully rude, perhaps they think their Christmas presents to you all are for the hospitality as well?

Next year ask everyone to bring something if they want to come, and get your dh to help a bit, or is he just playing host?

My dh family showed up at our housewarming empty handed, sit down dinner for 40 people plus wine - embarrassing as even the builders invited brought us lovely house gifts:) dh refused to say anything, but has agreed with me no more, as we were at his db housewarming two weeks later and he got a present.

Although mil helpfully removed all my new curtains and replaced them with ones she chose as a surprise for me when I was out of the house a few weeks later and db lent her a key to do so ( he has our spare key) They were horrible. She cried when I put mine back up. I am not popular at the moment as I upset mil:(

I actually love to cook and host but its more the fact that our generosity/hospitality is never reciprocated. My sil especially comes over at least once a month, and if I haven't cooked will ask me outright if I can make her and her kids some food! Like I say in ten years, all I have had at hers is a glass of tap water. I put my party face on when they are over hence I think my dh thought I was enjoying it...he now knows the truth after this morning! He won't ever say a word against his family and is very protective of them.

Do you know in advance when sil is coming over? If so, get rid of all food in the house and, when she asks you to make food, tell her it's impossible and suggest she gets a take-away.

YABBU
And I would tell DH straight, either he speakers to his family or You will. If he mutters say fine, but if nothing is sorted he is cooking and make him do it. (DHs can do Christmas dinner, mine does)

Honestly I wouldn't issue a Christmas invite unless they provide either the meat (which is what my parents do, having a real country butcher) or drink.

She once said she was coming over and I suggested a take away...when she reached my house, no take away, apparently she had forgotten and could my dh pop out for it instead?! Tight arse!

At the buffet as they walk through the door say to them 'Right i did everything on Christmas day without a break, I've put food out, decide between yourselves who'll be putting the left overs in the fridge, who's washing, drying and putting away and get your own drinks, this is my day off. And don't be afraid of issuing orders' or wrap up a tea towel for each of them as an 'i forgot to give you this' present

And if anyone says anything, ask them when the last time was they even went to the chippy for you?!

formerbabe... You and your husband are behaving like doormats. With the takeaway, you should have said "No, SIL. Leave the kids here whilst you pop along and get one. We'll have xxxxx and you can see what you and the kids want when you get there. Thanks". Do not hand over any money.

Please don't fall into the trap of doing it all and then moaning after the event. It's addictive - my mum is an addict of this behaviour and it's now making her miserable as she has no sympathy.

if you lay yourself out like a doormat, don't be surprised if people wipe their feet on you

This year pils brought a tin of nuts as a contribution for a 5 night stay. They have done nothing except move from sofa to dining table and back again. They even cheekily went out for a walk yesterday at the height of manic food prep saying " we'll just get out of your way".They never go out for walks usually. No thanks or appreciation is ever expressed for the lovely food. They even had breakfast this morning knowing dh was cooking some scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for brunch half an hour later. And mucked up my recording of a film last night by switching everything off despite being told not to just 10 minutes earlier.

Ahhh that's better.,.needed to vent a bit!