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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is just plain rude

65 replies

formerbabe · 25/12/2013 21:02

My Christmas guests have just left. I spent hundreds of pounds on food and drink and hours cooking it! I host every single year so its not like we take it in turns. My in laws didn't bring a single thing....not a bottle of wine/soft drink/chocolates/flowers. Literally empty handed and not a single offer of help with cooking/cleaning up.....

F. U. M. I. N. G.

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 25/12/2013 21:26

V rude and inconsiderate.

I don't think they'll change.

Next year you'll let the whole family know in plenty of time that you will be happy to welcome them in your home and suggest they organise/bring/order food and drink.

Don't put up with something that leaves you fuming.
Life's too short.

incogKNEEto · 25/12/2013 21:26

Stop. Just stop, as pp said, drop it into conversation in July time that you're having a quiet Christmas at home next year, and don't budge on it!

I am saying this as a person who has just had the best, most relaxed Christmas this year, precisely because it was 'just' DH and I and the DC this year and it was bloody lovely!

Present it as a fait accompli and what can they say?

PacificDingbat · 25/12/2013 21:28

You owe it to yourself to embrace this sentiment

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/12/2013 21:28

Why is your DH not helping? Stop being a doormat!

pigletmania · 25/12/2013 21:28

Op I would not tolerate it. I know, next year take yourself and kids away somewhere nice and let 'd'h host it! They are taking the piss, if you want the same next year, and the year after that, you know what to do!

PacificDingbat · 25/12/2013 21:29

IncogNEEto's suggestion is much better than mine Xmas Grin

ilovesooty · 25/12/2013 21:29

Cant believe:

That they would be so rude

That you would put up with it

That your husband would be so unsupportive

YouTheCat · 25/12/2013 21:30

Are they bringing anything to this buffet? I'd hazard not.

Just say no. Christmas is about everyone having a nice time, not just the kids, the relatives and your dh - it includes you.

So cut out the dinner next year and just do the buffet. No one will die because you aren't slaving away over a turkey and sprouts. The kids won't be emotionally scarred because they don't see all the extended family on Christmas day. In fact, it'll eek out the pressies.

pigletmania · 25/12/2013 21:32

Put your foot down op, grow a pair. Having a big house, or the kids like family round, dies not mean you have to be a doormat!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/12/2013 21:32

Tell everyone you aren't doing it next year. And when they say, but you always do it, say yes exactly.

Tell your DH if he wants Christmas at yours then he can cook it himself. You deserve to relax.

Original poster
formerbabe · 25/12/2013 21:33

Yes I think I should just stop! In the ten years I have known my sil, the only thing I have had to eat/drink in her house is one single glass of tap water on the hottest day of the year when I was nine months pregnant which I had to ask for!

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 25/12/2013 21:34

I hope the buffet is catered?
Or that you are getting a week away after Christmas, all paid for and organised by your DH and the in-laws?

ChristmasJumperWearer · 25/12/2013 21:39

YANBU. Really fucking rude.

We didn't host this year but I hope we were good guests. We certainly brought shed loads of booze and food with us and did our fair share of the cleaning up too. It's only fair.

YouTheCat · 25/12/2013 21:39

Seriously, get them all dipping in their pockets and bringing stuff for this buffet and then just relax.

Also, why can't your dh do the buffet as you have done Christmas dinner?

SanityClause · 25/12/2013 21:44

Yes, it's rude.

What at you going to do about it?

VelvetSpoon · 25/12/2013 21:48

Honestly some people are just fucking ignorant.

I have friends like this (and my ex-ils are similar) who a) never bring anything with them and b) do not lift one finger to tidy up whenever they visit my house.

It's a tricky one because I like having guests, and the kids enjoy people being here. BUT I have come to the conclusion that the sheer irritation of waiting on people who are ungrateful is just too great.

From now on, I won't be feeding them at any time of year, not just Xmas, I just can't be bothered. I suspect the less free food is on offer the less they'll visit (thankfully it's only the friends, the ex-ils haven't been seen since I split with XP).

What annoys me is the constant eating/drinking yet never even putting a plate in the sink, and dropping crumbs everywhere. And I really haven't got time to be telling people constantly to clear up after themselves. The other thing that winds me up is they'll help themselves to drink, without asking if it's ok to open a particular bottle. Same people that if I visited, conveniently never have alcohol, milk for a hot drink or basically anything other than tap water!!

tallwivglasses · 25/12/2013 22:10

Some people see generous households as 'houses of plenty'. They tell themselves you can afford it and enjoy being bountiful. Each year you do it re-inforces that belief.

As for the expected scivvying, well, they must just think they deserve it for some reason Xmas Confused

Very happy that it's been teamwork (and decent contributions of meat, cheese, etc) in our house today.

gamerchick · 25/12/2013 22:21

Stop doing it or don't whinge about doing it. Your choice

DontmindifIdo · 25/12/2013 22:21

at some point tomorrow say to DH "gosh, it is lovely to have everyone together at Christmas but it's so tiring for me! Do you think someone else could host next year? It would be nice to go to SIL's/PILs and not have to be the one doing the running around." repeat over and over that it's so nice for the DCs to have the whole family together but you finding it exhausting and hope someone else will host next year. "Would be so lovely to be a guest for a change." Don't complain other than you are tired and keep saying how lovely it is to have everyone together. It's not them, it's the work that's the issue... See if you can get DH on side with that now-ish then start trying to lining up someone else to host over the summer.

pigletmania · 25/12/2013 22:25

Than you have to stop doing this. They sound like freeloaders, and ungrateful ones at that. You are not their slave, I would also sort out dh as well while you are at it

Original poster
formerbabe · 26/12/2013 10:42

Thanks for all your responses and advice. I told my dh that if he wants his family over again, it is up to him to shop/cook/clean up and I wouldn't be spending a penny of my own money. He looked very shocked when I told him I found their behaviour rude but said that's fine...
Now, I am off to prepare for the last buffet ;)

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 26/12/2013 10:45

Yay, well done, formerbabe - I think you have to state out loud what you want to happen, because they have all taken for granted what you are doing and are expecting it to continue for all eternity.

Have a nice day today - hope you can enjoy yourself a bit Smile

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2013 11:03

"I have the biggest house out of everyone I'm afraid. They did say they can't wait till next year as it was so nice!!"
"That's guest's for you"

This is the problem, you all need to stop thinking if it, as you "are hosting" and think of it as "all of you as a family are deciding what to do for Christmas dinner"

We all go to my eldest DD's (sometimes my Mums), because they have the biggest houses. We all construct the shopping lists, decide who gets what and pitch in on the day. I do less whilst there, usually because I have my Mums house/tree etc to do (I am her carer), but this year I had to put up my DD's decorations as well (ongoing work crisis).

You are not hosting, IMO, if it's family coming, on a family occasion, IYSWIM, rather than privately arranging a dinner party and inviting people.

Start the conversations about you needing others to help, straight away and re-negotiate during the year, if ithers object, you don't have it at yours, it is simple.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2013 11:10

"gosh, it is lovely to have everyone togetherness, but at Christmas but it's so tiring for me! Do you think someone else could host next year? "

I'm not picking on the above statement but it isn't clear enough.

The first sentence says what it is, a family get together, but then the onus is put back to whoever house it is held in, rather than saying, no one person (who coincidently always seems to be female), should be doing the work and no-one hosts a family get together.

Main members sit tighter and decide who gets/does what.

They've (and your DH) have took the piss, letting you pay for it all.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2013 11:17

Just wanted to say I'm glad to see your update and that you've told your husband how unacceptable this is.