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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to turn down dps proposal?

67 replies

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 15:36

Dp sort of proposed last night. He said by this time next year he wants us to be living together, engaged and to have set a date for our wedding. These are things I've wanted for years but now I'm not so sure.

Backstory: We've been together for 4.5 years. He dragged his feet with sorting out divorce, debts and child contact but I've stood by him - even helping to support him financially so he could sort out his debts, caring for his children etc. I work part time and am studying full time for a degree which I've almost completed and am predicted a first. I then planned to do my PGCE as I've always wanted to teach. I have a 5 year old and we have a one year old together. We were living together when I fell pregnant but his debts meant it was only for a few months and the children and I got our own place while he moved in with his mum.

I have done everything for our one year old alone as well as working and studying. The children and I are happy and settled. They love dp when he visits too. He has a job which involves long hours/odd shifts and so cannot be relied upon to help with the children and childcare. Therefore he has suggested that I become a SAHM when I move in as my teachers salary wouldn't be much after paying for childcare as his salary is too high for tax credits. He thinks I can do my PGCE in 5/6 years when our child is settled at school but by then I'll be 38 which I think is late to start. Plus I've studied hard recently and don't want to waste it.

Another point that makes me reticent is that he said he wouldn't tell his ex we were living together and engaged, nor inform her of the wedding - he'd let their children tell her after the event. He has a history of pandering to her and I don't want to feel like a dirty secret.

I spoke to him about my reservations about moving in and my career and suggested we live separately for another 4/5 year's so I can get established enough to then have the option to work part time. He said he wants to move in asap even though we could easily save enough for a house deposit and wedding in that time. Moving in asap means me being a SAHM without us having any spare money and me having no career.

AIBU to say no now what I want(ed) is on offer? He's incredulous that I'm not jumping at the offer.

OP posts:

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/12/2013 17:03

Because you don't make him step up. If you have to do everything because he won't then why are you wasting your time with him?

Sometimes working for not much money is worth it if it gives you a personal bonus and goes towards a future career development as your children won't need childcare forever.

WilsonFrickett · 25/12/2013 17:05

You know what, my DP works a regular 60 hour week with lots of travel - which was much worse actually when DS was pre-school - but DS job doesnt dictate that everything to do with DS is my problem. Quite the opposite in fact - DP realises that because he's not physically present a lot of the time he has to do more when he's here, work harder to establish a relationship when DS was tiny and generally be an amazing cheerleader for my own career and aspirations. Sorry if that sounds smug. But that's how he makes it work for us.

EdithWeston · 25/12/2013 17:06

Do not give up your career for this man.

A way can always be found to deal with childcare etc. You need to get qualified, get a couple o years under your belt and then consider a career break, because the impact on you and your independent future would be much less that way round.

If you cannot afford to cohabit, then don't. As you say, the amount of time he sees his DC will be much the same.

Original poster

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 17:11

Toffee it isn't that he won't do anything. Ideally I'd like to be a lecturer but the distance to the nearest uni means childcare near home wouldn't be available for our dc. He finishes at 7 at the earliest and doesn't have to even consider childcare as it just falls to me. If it was just the children and I we could move

OP posts:

RedLondonBus · 25/12/2013 17:19

How were you managing to live together previously? What stopped working?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/12/2013 17:20

But what does he bring to your life?

He is asking his kids to lie, disrespecting you and your relationship, doesn't want you to better yourself and does fuck all with the kids.

Original poster

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 22:29

He has many great qualities or else I wouldn't still be in the relationship. It isn't that he doesn't want me to better myself - he's happy for me to work if I want to. He plays with the kids whenever not working he just isn't around for much practical stuff because of his hours and shifts. I just don't think living together, when it'll mean we are less well off but don't see anymore of each other than usual, is worth compromising my career and future earning potential over. We have 5 dc between us - that's a lot of expense when it comes to their teens/uni etc.

OP posts:

softlysoftly · 25/12/2013 23:13

The deceit would be a huge worry for me. You are basically giving up all semblance of independence of you become a SAHM which is fine if you can be absolutely convinced that your "position" is secure and equal.

You can't.

He lies to his ex (wonder why she's an ex)

He wants you to deceive the DC

He clearly got into debt (so you can't trust him 10p% financially)

He avoided being clear about that debt.

You had to organise his divorce, debt and access.

In cold hard truth there is no possibility you can accept, you would be a fool to put your and dcs safety in this man's control.

PresidentServalan · 25/12/2013 23:53

But presumably you have known what he is like for a while - why are you still with him? You don't like how he makes you feel so what is the point!

MyNameIsKenAdams · 26/12/2013 00:00

So, say you did live together, you an NQT, will he be contributing to the childcare?

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 00:06

I haven't said I don't like how he makes me feel. I said I wouldn't be prepared for living together/engagement/wedding to be a secret. Him contributing to childcare is irrelevant as household income would be shared

OP posts:

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 26/12/2013 07:38

He's got it made really hasn't he? You do everything, he works and is therefore excused from doing anything.

If you moved in together he'd still do nothing, you'd do everything AND you'd be giving up - on current proposal - any chance of that ever changing.

Seriously, if you want to live together, do, but don't give up your future prospects.

rabbitlady · 26/12/2013 08:34

you seem to be managing just fine without him. what would you gain by doing what he wants?

Meerka · 26/12/2013 12:30

being financially independent is important to me and I hate his apparent school of thought that he's doing me a favour by working and 'letting' me stay home

you are very right to be concerned about this.

Perhaps this is over suspicious, but when people have this attitude, its not a far step, after an argument, to say "I support you and you owe me for it" ... conveniently ignoring the fact you gave up your career and independence. Someone who thinks they are doing you a favour by supporting you is not treating this as an equal partnership.

In addition to the debts and his attitude to his ex-wife, plus that you've waited for him but he won't wait for you (and that he is "incredulous" that you aren't jumping it - that really worries me too) ... I think you are very right indeed to be wary.

You and he need some conversatoins about expectations and assumptions. And you need time to see if he can loose this attitude.

RedLondonBus · 26/12/2013 13:45

so whats happening now op?

Oldraver · 26/12/2013 19:53

So he earns too much to claim TC if you were living together but only pays £80 toward your DC's ? Thats not a man paying his way. Would he stop paying even this meagre amount if you moved in ?

If you lived together it wouldn't be worth your while as YOUR salary would be eaten up by childcare ? why would YOU be solely responsible for childcare, it should come out of joint salary.

Your living with him would also put a stop any possibility of childminding before you even start on him thinking you could give up on your hard earned potential career.

He gets to paly happy families after you ahve done all the hard work. He has it all sussed doedn't he ?

MeMySonAndI · 26/12/2013 20:13

Ok, you are doing well on your own, and considering what you say about his debts problems, and his wonderful ideas for you to adapt to his needs and become fully dependant on him... i would say that you are not unreasonable at all to decline the proposal, which in turn is not a proposal, but just a lets get engaged in the future chat.

I think however, that you are being very unreasonable to suggest staying in a relationship with him but living apart for 5 years. What a waste of time, let this looser go and eventually the right person will come along, you already know he is not the "one" for you.

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