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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down dps proposal?

67 replies

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 15:36

Dp sort of proposed last night. He said by this time next year he wants us to be living together, engaged and to have set a date for our wedding. These are things I've wanted for years but now I'm not so sure.

Backstory: We've been together for 4.5 years. He dragged his feet with sorting out divorce, debts and child contact but I've stood by him - even helping to support him financially so he could sort out his debts, caring for his children etc. I work part time and am studying full time for a degree which I've almost completed and am predicted a first. I then planned to do my PGCE as I've always wanted to teach. I have a 5 year old and we have a one year old together. We were living together when I fell pregnant but his debts meant it was only for a few months and the children and I got our own place while he moved in with his mum.

I have done everything for our one year old alone as well as working and studying. The children and I are happy and settled. They love dp when he visits too. He has a job which involves long hours/odd shifts and so cannot be relied upon to help with the children and childcare. Therefore he has suggested that I become a SAHM when I move in as my teachers salary wouldn't be much after paying for childcare as his salary is too high for tax credits. He thinks I can do my PGCE in 5/6 years when our child is settled at school but by then I'll be 38 which I think is late to start. Plus I've studied hard recently and don't want to waste it.

Another point that makes me reticent is that he said he wouldn't tell his ex we were living together and engaged, nor inform her of the wedding - he'd let their children tell her after the event. He has a history of pandering to her and I don't want to feel like a dirty secret.

I spoke to him about my reservations about moving in and my career and suggested we live separately for another 4/5 year's so I can get established enough to then have the option to work part time. He said he wants to move in asap even though we could easily save enough for a house deposit and wedding in that time. Moving in asap means me being a SAHM without us having any spare money and me having no career.

AIBU to say no now what I want(ed) is on offer? He's incredulous that I'm not jumping at the offer.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/12/2013 16:07

OMG

Honestly, in the time I have been on here I have read about far too many idiotic, controlling, abusive me but this one is right up there.

He isn't living with you as it would cost him money.
He doesn't have enough respect for the mother of his other children to tell them he is marrying again.
He wants you to give up your ambitions as it suits him.
He wants you to lie to your children.
"Letting" you stay at home Hmm.

You must do what you want to do and not what he is trying to dictate to you.

I would be telling him exactly what you are going to do and if he can't support you in that you are happy to help him pack. What a wanker.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/12/2013 16:07

abusive men ffs. I am not abusive.

GoshAnneGorilla · 25/12/2013 16:10

No, no, no. This is all about what he wants and seems to run completely counter to what you want.

RedLondonBus · 25/12/2013 16:12

How are you affording and managing the childcare at the moment?

Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:13

Wilson - yes he is genuine and obviously remaining a bachelor would be the easier option for him. However the children would still want me to do everything and he'd get more sex so there are benefits for him for moving in too but maybe I'm being too sceptical?

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:15

I childmind and write freelance in the evenings.

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 25/12/2013 16:17

So why can't things stay the same?

Surely it's better for your child to have dad be more than a visitor?

Cheesecakefan · 25/12/2013 16:18

Will he have sorted out the debts by this time next year?

From what you say, I'd be dubious about accepting.

Cheesecakefan · 25/12/2013 16:23

On the other hand, I think RedLondonBus has a good point there.

Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:25

He wouldn't actually see them any more than he currently does RedLondon. I can't childmind from the house he's planning on moving into as the tenancy prevents it. Moving elsewhere isn't an option as he's on call several days per week. Yes the debts will be sorted by next year. Just feel like I've waited years for him but he isn't prepared to wait for me.

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 25/12/2013 16:26

I don't think he can be relied on to help you build a successful step parenting relationship. I would neither marry nor move in with him.

RedLondonBus · 25/12/2013 16:28

Step parenting? They have a child together. Wether that child 'sees more' of dad or not doesn't matter, there will be odd times when he may be around more, but it's more important for your child to know dad is there and they are a family and that he's committed, no? And not just a visitor contributing nothing!

Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:30

And if he'd been upfront and proactive about his debts and divorce our dc would never have had to live apart from him and I wouldn't have had to raise them single handedly. Moving in together once our dc is mostly done with sleepless nights, potty training, tantrums etc is a bit too convenient in my best friends opinion and I admit I'm beginning to see her point

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 25/12/2013 16:32

Oh you have more than one together? Well how long has this been going on?

He could live with you all and renegotiate his debts.

maddening · 25/12/2013 16:33

can't he move in with you where you could condoning and do pgce - followed by ta roles when youngest is able to go to preschool affordably and in line with your hours? You could also do tutoring.

Iworrymyselftosleep · 25/12/2013 16:37

Sod that.

Youre doing really well. I'd keep on doing what you're doing.

Grennie · 25/12/2013 16:37

Actually the reasons don't matter. The fact that you are asking a bunch of strangers this means yes, you should turn the proposal down. When someone proposes and it is right, you will be very happy and not have these doubts.

WilsonFrickett · 25/12/2013 16:39

What do you want op? What's your ideal situation? Letting go of the past and stuff (yes, I'm sure it would have been infinitely preferable for him to have done his share of night wakings, etc, but putting the past aside...) what's your ideal living situation? And are there compromises you are willing to make? What about DP? I think you both need to start laying things on the line to be honest. Work out if there's a way you can both be together.

But you are absolutely right that being together doesn't mean you giving up on, or postponing, your dreams. You've had your children young - now is your time to secure their (and your) future, IMO.

Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:42

I'd like us to be able to live together, be married and both have a fulfilling and financial viable career.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/12/2013 16:47

So if he moved in the kids will still want you to do everything for them? Why is that? Is he incapable of making them feel cared for and loved?

Did you read what I have previously posted?

You seem to be under the illusion you can't make a decision for yourself with out him.

WilsonFrickett · 25/12/2013 16:49

Then you have to put your big girl pants on and tell him that. Loud and clear. It's really not too much to ask after all, is it? And while your at it you should discuss how the household will work wrt to chores etc. a PGCE is nails and you will need active support to make it work. Get it all out on the table. X

RedLondonBus · 25/12/2013 16:51

Therefore he has suggested that I become a SAHM when I move in as my teachers salary wouldn't be much after paying for childcare as his salary is too high for tax credits.

So you currently claim benefits and will lose them if you lived together again?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/12/2013 16:55

So he sees no benefit in his child's mother feeling she has achieved for herself as he won't be better off financially?

You sound so lovely, OP, I wanted to say together but you aren't as you seem to be under his control. Come on! You are managing as a single parent by the sounds of things, your kids are happy with just you living in the house, why saddle yourself to a controlling prat?

Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:56

No RedLondon I don't. If we lived separately/I was single I'd get tax credits and could work. If we lived together I couldn't. Wilson his job makes the pgce and any accompanying support impossible

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglemel · 25/12/2013 16:59

Toffee - it's me that doesn't want to work if it doesn't pay. I'd rather be a SAHM if working means kids in childcare and no extra money, holidays etc anyway. He doesn't mind if I work or not. Just irks me that his job pretty much dictates that everything to do with the kids is my problem and that I have to work round them but he doesn't

OP posts: