old age is not an excuse for bigotry and nastiness

[MountainHeights]

Dh's grandpa is 86, he is very healthy, active and intelligent. However he is a nasty, mean old man who I have real trouble tolerating and I'm fed up of being told, 'oh well, thats just grandpa'. In the past I've been told I'm an unsuitable wife/ mother as I work and don't obey my husband, I've listened to him be extremely racist, sexist and down right rude. However today took the biscuit. We were talking about big things which happened in the world when he interjected with the following about the terrorist attack on the twin towers, he said it made his day when that happened and shame they didn't kill more people, he didn't like americans and though he hates muslims as well he is glad a few of them died and thinks if they die whilst killing americans its killing two birds with one stone. He then laughed when I pointed out in shock that thousand of innocent people died, to which he said the planet is over populated and he hopes muslims have more success soon. Dh, mil and fil just say 'oh thats grandpa, I wouldn't pay any attention', however he really thinks everyone believes as he does as no one ever challenges him. Today I challenged him and dh just hushed me! I get the views of different generations etc, b6t it makes me furious that these comments and attitudes are supposed to go unchallenged, especially when my children are present. What sort of lesson does that teach them? Aibu?

Yes, this definitely goes some way beyond older people seeing things differently and use of language which was used to be acceptable but isn't now.

My late grandpa was a right-wing Tory and held some rather forthright opinions on a variety of subjects, but he'd never have come out with anything so hateful.

happy The only thing I would say about challenging someone who is bigoted (which I agree, they shouldn't be allowed to get away with their outrageousness) is that you end up being on a 'hiding to nothing' - you will just end up even more wound up the fact they are so fixed in their opinion.

Isn't it better to not give them the oxygen of attention i.e. completely ignore and disregard them and not rise to their bait?

Bigots are invariably lonely, joyless people - let's face it, who wants to be around nasty, bitter people who make massive generalisations (and tend to be ignorant).

OMG - it'd be like having dinner with someone from the BNP

YANBU. I would challenge. My Pil are in their 60s and racist. I challenge them and they try and excuse it by saying it is how they've always talked. It is not okay and I will not tolerate it around my dcs.

There's an enormous difference between someone older who uses a vocabulary which sounds odd now (but was 'correct' for formative years in their life) and someone who is just plain nasty.

What OP describes is what I'd see as nastiness, and unless dementia is suspected, inexcusable.

I think you were right to challenge him, those views are extreme and not something I would want my children to listen to.

I can sympathise though, my Inlaws are a nightmare and I'm fed up of hearing people say they are old you won't change them. I do challenge it now and each time because if I don't I feel like I'm letting them believe what they say is right, when its not.

There's a big difference between an outdated opinion, and what he has said. That is completely inexcusable. And berry what a load of twaddle.

Even in his youth wishing a thousand innocent people dead would not have been acceptable, so no, it's not just age!

When I work with elderly patients a few do show their age and ignorance by saying things like 'n----r brown in colour' or 'that chinky one', this I excuse to an extent because I know it's just what they are used to and they haven't been able to realise it's not on and not acceptable anymore.

The father in law has made very strong opinions on a quite recent tragic event - nothing to do with his age. Just a nasty opinion from a seemingly nasty person.

Daisy - I came to that conclusion two weeks ago. I now ignore...but it's perfectly acceptable for him and his wife to start having a go at me when I haven't even said anything - I fact I can't even open my mouth to ask about their health without it immediately becoming a tirade about how badly done by they are because of immigrants/single mothers/people on benefits (all of whom must be criminals of some sort). I have to go down there tomorrow morning - I shan't be staying more than 20 minutes.

A few years ago my grandmother came out with a gem over the televising of "coloured children" in a segment of the Queen's speech - I didn't mind the descriptive phrase so much because different phrasing was used back then and it can be an easy mistake to make if you don't really see the world past your own front door, it was the sneer on her face and the comment: "If I didn't know better you'd think this country belonged to these people." Utterly boorish and ignorant and downright horrible.

My grandfather was not racist, and would challenge those who held racist views.

My nonagenarian great auntie thinks that civil partnerships are a wonderful idea. Until recently, she also did "dating", and thinks that living together before committing to marriage is a very sensible idea.

Not all elderly folks are bigoted or behind with the times. Auntie even says that she's seen so much change, and so many things happen in her lifetime, that nothing particularly surprises or shocks her any more.

yanbu my grand parents, sadly passed, would have torn a strip off him and they would be in their 90's. both where ardently anti fascism and racism having being involved in WW2

Yanbu, people can be nasty no matter what the age unfortunetly!
Becoming an elderly person doesn't automatically make for sweet & frail.

I work with The Great British Punlic (mainly older people some 100+ yo)

They can come out with a huge pile of shite and 99.99% of the time it's not worth my time and energy to correct ( IMO if they've always held these views then they always will).

I don't respond and change the subject. It's not worth having a complaint made against me for being difficult or arguementative

This is a tough issue. My dad is 86 and has always been a bit of a 'cheeky chappie' with the gift of the gab. However as he is ageing his wit is no longer with him, and what used to be a bit of clever teasing now just appears rude.

He will come across as being racist at times, but I know he is not. He is just too intelligent for that.

The worst times are when he chats with some of his old mates, then I find I have to ignore the conversation pretty much entirely.

He has been diagnosed with cancer that they do not think can be treated at his age and general heath. There is no way I am going to challenge him on what he says and expect a rational discussion, this will probably be his last Christmas.

an elderly relative of mine calls Mongol (shedoesnt have downs bt is disabled).

is a rascist (yet one of siblings has a black partner ad they have 4 kids together)

ishomophobic-(another sibling gay).

no amount ofcorrection changes them.

ANDwe live ina very Indian heavy community and told we stink of curry because of it.

YANBU.

It's not OK in any which way, no matter how old someone is.

Bigotry and racism is a problem no matter how old someone is. I think that people say 'It's not their fault, it was just the way it was then' are very accommodating to keeping things the way they once 'were'.

I can't hit my kids and say it's just the way it used to be, things don't work that way.

YANBU

My 88 year old Grandpa is certainly not a bigot or behind on how society works. He is fabulous.

My DGM OTOH is a whole other thread...

this thread demonstrates prejudice against the aged. many young people are obnoxious and hold strong and unjustifiable opinions.

Your kids don't need 'protecting' from his views, you need to tell them it's not nice and you don't want them to repeat anything like that and explain why. Ds has two grandads that would both give Alf Garnet a run for his money but knows better than to repeat any of their rantings, in fact he's challenged them himself on a number of occasions. You can't control other people's views and opinions although I agree that he sounds like he enjoys getting a rise out of you.

I agree rabbit, age has nothing to do with it.

How does this thread demonstrate prejudice against old people rabbit?

It would be utterly exhausting challenging all the time, we go down the rolling eyes and changing subject route.

I dont agree rabbitlady you have missed the point spectacularly!

People have given real examples of actual people they have to put up with saying vile generalisations and lazy stereotypes that went out with the Ark. That isnt being prejudice, it is, like it or not, part and parcel of the older generation.

Start a separate thread about "young people", fine, yes you will find examples of racism and bigotry but the frustration with the older generation is that young people's opinions can be strongly influenced by adults, when the adults should know better to be teaching them by good example.

Often they just spout these obscenities when they should keep their mouths shut to protect young innocent minds.

I dont agree rabbitlady you have missed the point spectacularly!
don't think so. maybe your point wasn't clearly made?

Don't think age has got anything to do with it. He would have been a biggot when young and has quite simply remained an unpleasant biggot.
Just like there are some really utterly unpleasant people who are in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc.
By the a same token there were really inspirational people from his generation who have remained open minded and inspirational for the whole of their lives.