Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've never not spent Christmas with my parents"

77 replies

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 11:57

AIBU to be angry at DH? He won't even consider spending one Christmas away from his parents. I just want to spend it at home, where I can stay in my pyjamas all day and watch whatever I want on tv. The simple compromise would be for him to take DS there and leave me to it, but apparently that's out of the question.

He says I'm being all bah humbug, but I just don't want to deal with lots of people over Christmas. Plus he expects me to clean the house before they show up to collect us (It's fairly clean, but their standards are higher than mine.) I can't help thinking that he should have done it, if he cares so much, instead of expecting me to.

Maybe I'm just low because my SAD has been really bad this week, but I don't think I'm being completely unreasonable here. I just want a quiet Christmas at home!

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/12/2013 13:58

YANBU.
I simply could not bear to stay with another person's family (or mine tbh) over Christmas. It seems he thinks his DP's Christmas is the only valid one. Isn't it nice to make your own magic for your DS?

And always with his parents? Does he think his mum is the only one wh can cook roast potatoes properly? That's the kind of view I'm getting. Sorry.
He is being outrageously unreasonable. I'm not surprised you feel miserable.
but it is good IMHO to make a big thing of Christmas.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry · 24/12/2013 14:18

I'm a bit sad for you, OP. You should still be in your honeymoon euphoria, not feeling like a skivvy Sad

Was he like this before you got married? What would he say if you told him you feel like a skivvy, taken for granted?

FestiveYoni · 24/12/2013 14:23

totally and utterly selfish, of course you should be able to have ONE christmas without your in laws of course!

how awful adn horrible, this isnt about him seeing or not seeing his dp! they and he can live with one day without seeing them and defering to his dear....wife.

Xmas Angry
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/12/2013 14:36

I'm spending Christmas day just me, DH and DS and it will be lovely. We'll see family afterwards and I see nothing wrong with this. They live 100++ miles away and I'm not spending Christmas Day in the car (DH Is working so we can't go anywhere anyway).

If your DH wants the house clean, tell him to get on with it. Also, you may be a sahm but if your DH is home he should be looking after your DS too! Where is your time off? Tell him to man up and start helping out with his child at your in laws. Why are you doing everything?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/12/2013 14:37

Wtf is wrong with not wanting one year at home??

YoungBritishPissArtist · 24/12/2013 14:40

I can see your POV tbh, my ideal Christmas is spent in my own home, pyjamas on all day, no cooking or cleaning and TV/DVDs Grin
HATE going to other people's houses

I would normally say you should compromise i.e. suck it up and go to ILs for a bit, but considering what you've said about feeling like a skivvy and him telling you to clean I'm not sure?

Maybe you need to have a talk with him about what's fair and his unreasonable expectations?

Ladyglamalot · 24/12/2013 14:47

Yadnbu op and your dh needs to stop being such a selfish twat!! I was in a very similar situation up until last year-dh wanted to spend every xmas with his parents and bil because that's what they have always doneHmm

I tried to discuss it reasonably with dh last year but he would not budge so I pre-empted him by telling the inlaws in july that we would not be coming for xmas!! There was a lot of mutterings behind my back but I stuck to my guns!

This year dh wanted to invite inlaws for xmas dinner as it was our "turn"-bil had them last year. I pointed out that "turns" are for children and that I had done my "turn" by having sunday dinner with them every sunday for 20 years!!

Tell dh you are staying at home with your family-you and ds-and he is welcome to join you. You will kick yourselves years down the line if you lie down and let them wipe their feet on you

kerstina · 24/12/2013 14:56

I am an only child and always wanted to spend at least some time on Christmas day with my parents, we usually try to fit his side of the family in too. It has caused a bit of friction especially as xmas day is also DP's birthday to he feels he should get to do what he wants. Last year he had flu and was not well enough to go to my mum and dads for lunch he gave me a hard time afterwards about leaving him although he had said he did not mind. Anyway my point is I am so glad I got to spend nearly every Christmas with them as we lost my dad two weeks ago and the memories are precious. You can spend any day of the week in your pyjamas and watch crap tv sometimes it is worth making a bot of an effort.

ouryve · 24/12/2013 15:01

Does he not get the thing that you are a family, now, which means you get to establish your own Christmas routines and traditions?

Was he such a man-child before you married, or does he feel like he doesn't have to try any more.

It's definitely time for A Talk. Once about expectations and give and take and pulling fingers out.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/12/2013 15:03

What about your parents? If they are still around, point out the failure in logic here: why does his childhood tradition get to continue unbroken and not yours?

Tbh, he sounds like an entitled arse.

maddy68 · 24/12/2013 15:06

Tbf, if you just stay at home by yourselves irs just like any to her day. What makes Christmas special is having family around ( they won't last forever)

I would hate being just us at home. Yes it's stressful but that's all part of it.
I think yabu

Preciousbane · 24/12/2013 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 24/12/2013 15:22

Hi Husband. you will be aware that:
a - this is my Christmas too and
b - by your son spending the day with HIS parents, he is emulating exactly what you did when you were a child.

You are a dad now and need to start making memories for your kids. Not pretending you are still 10 years old.

This marriage isn't going to last long if you are not prepared to compromise.

WitchWay · 24/12/2013 16:14

We have tried to different things at Christmas over the years so as not to set a precedent - the first year we were married we didn't see anyone! Now Mum is by herself she's putting pressure on to see us every year which I can understand, but she's bloody hard work & next year we'd like to go away - she could see my brother & his lot who are just round the corner but she won't, she'll humph & grump about & wallow in misery on her own, trying to make me feel guilty - aargh

NuggetofPurestGreen · 24/12/2013 16:33

YANBU. Hate when adults behave like children re Christmas. And just because other posters would hate to sit round in pyjamas at home doesn't mean you have to go to your inlaws Hmm. Also it sounds like you have offered him plenty of alternatives and he is the one who won't compromise so why should you have to 'suck it up'??!

Also sorry that you feel like a skivvy Sad

BigBaubledBertha · 24/12/2013 16:35

Whilst I don't think YABU for not wanting to go to your in-laws every year and I know how hard it is to keep smiling in the face of unrelenting family time, I do think you have shot yourself in the foot a bit by insisting that you want a pjs and telly day. You are asking him to give up what is effectively a bit of a party and get together to have a day that is even less special than a normal day off.

I think if you want to sell the Christmas at home thing you need to make more effort at home to make it a special day. We are having Christmas at home but we will be wearing nice-ish clothes, doing things as a family that we don't normally do together, without the pressure of time, play games, go for walks etc) and making a bit of an effort. That might make your way sound a little bit more appealing. It doesn't have to be slobby to be a quiet Christmas at home.

I agree with whoever said, just get this Christmas out the way and sometime in the second have of next year, before plans are fixed, tell your DH and the PIL what you want to do and stick to it. I know compromise and negotiation are the ideal but it doesn't sound like you are going to manage that.

Just as a matter of interest, just how far away are the PIL? Could you go for a couple of hours in the afternoon or for Boxing Day?

NuggetofPurestGreen · 24/12/2013 16:52

Bertha OP has suggested those options and he's having none of it.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 24/12/2013 16:53

Sorry I mean your last suggestions of Boxing Day or a few hours, not the other suggestions you made! Smile

BigBaubledBertha · 24/12/2013 16:57

Yes but are they not options because it is too far and unrealistic or because he just doesn't want to do it that way? It sounds like the latter to me but I just wondered if mileage was a problem. I would for example, go about 50 miles for an afternoon visit but some people might say that is too much on a day like Christmas.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 24/12/2013 17:00

I just assumed the latter from OP's wording of he won't have it.

Original poster
DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 17:13

Distance isn't an issue, it's a less than half hour drive to theirs.

I don't want to sell Christmas at home as a special event, with all the trimmings, because I'd just end up doing it all. And since we don't spend much time together as a family due to DHs shifts at work, just all being in the same house for a day would be lovely.

In an ideal world, we'd have the tree, cook dinner together, open the presents in the morning then spend the day playing and reading. Bliss!

My parents aren't in the picture, went no contact with both of them because of their toxic behaviour, so maybe he thinks seeing his parents makes up for that? But honestly, Christmas was always so stressful with them, it was a relief to not have to see them!

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 24/12/2013 18:36

YANBU to want Christmas at yours, or at least some variation, and your DH is being very intransigent about insisting on going to his parents'. But TBH your ideal Christmas sounds pretty boring and anticlimactic to me - where's the special meal? Where's the fun and sense of occasion? If your DH is used to Christmas being a big deal I don't entirely blame him for insisting on going to his parents' where they will make a fuss.

Can the two of you have a proper conversation about future Christmases and agree (for example) that you'll have Christmas at yours but make it more of an occasion, with everyone pitching in to help?

SleepPleaseSleep · 24/12/2013 19:15

Have you tried the 'this is our first Xmas since marriage, I want it to be our first Xmas as a proper family angle'?
Definitely tell him where to go re cleaning. Re childcare, it's his child too. And you're holiday from being a lone sahm all day every day. If you're potty training child is fairly old and talking - does he not ask for daddy sometimes?
Why are so many men like this? 'My way is the only way'. Not met any who aren't't that way a little. How can we avoid it, raising boys...but I guess that's another thread!

Allthingsprettyreturns · 25/12/2013 04:53

Ynbu

You have a right to a nice Christmas as much as he does. Maybe consider alternative plans for next year.

HissymasJumper · 25/12/2013 10:47

Most people understand that when you get married, you alternate, so it becomes every other year.

OK so your family are hideous and you don't want anything to do with them (join the club) but that doesn't mean that you have to do what you would prefer not to do every year, just because it's what has always been done for him in the past.

What do you think you would like to do, and is there a way of including his family on your terms, so that they don't run the whole show?

You are going to have to concede on something, so work out what you are prepared to give on and see if you can find a middle ground, but be clear, that it's NOT going to be his parents all christmas forever.

Swipe left for the next trending thread