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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I've never not spent Christmas with my parents"

77 replies

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 11:57

AIBU to be angry at DH? He won't even consider spending one Christmas away from his parents. I just want to spend it at home, where I can stay in my pyjamas all day and watch whatever I want on tv. The simple compromise would be for him to take DS there and leave me to it, but apparently that's out of the question.

He says I'm being all bah humbug, but I just don't want to deal with lots of people over Christmas. Plus he expects me to clean the house before they show up to collect us (It's fairly clean, but their standards are higher than mine.) I can't help thinking that he should have done it, if he cares so much, instead of expecting me to.

Maybe I'm just low because my SAD has been really bad this week, but I don't think I'm being completely unreasonable here. I just want a quiet Christmas at home!

OP posts:

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 12:56

Majestic how is wanting to stay home in my pjs unreasonable?

NoArmani I didn't just drop this on them, I've been saying for weeks now that I'd like to just stay at home. The problem is DH not listening.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 24/12/2013 12:57

Your DH is being very unreasonable to expect you to do the cleaning. If he wants the house cleaner than it is then he is free to do that himself.

I'd think someone was being a bit Scrooge like as well if they wanted to sit around in their pyjamas all day on Christmas instead of spending it with family, and it seems quiet selfish if you have a child as well who would presumably enjoy a bit more excitement.

You can sit around in your pyjamas any day of the year.

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 13:08

WooWooOwl actually no, I can't sit around in my pyjamas any day of the year. Do you know anyone who can? We all have bloody busy lives, it's hardly unreasonable to expect Christmas to be a bit more chilled!

There's plenty of excitement for DS, I still celebrate Christmas! The problem (as I've said before) is the fact that DH won't even consider my side, and insists we do what he wants.

OP posts:

lilyaldrin · 24/12/2013 13:08

Sounds like you have much deeper issues than just how you spend Christmas if he expects you to do all the childcare and cleaning too.

MajesticWhine · 24/12/2013 13:10

I just think Christmas Day is a day for getting together with the family (unless they are completely vile). You can stay in pjs another day as woowoo said.

flippinada · 24/12/2013 13:10

Yanbu at all, but you'll get it in the neck from some quarters for being un-christmassy.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 24/12/2013 13:11

NoArmani I didn't just drop this on them, I've been saying for weeks now that I'd like to just stay at home. The problem is DH not listening.

Well if they know you don't want to go then that's fine, stay home. It doesn't bled well for your marriage that you have only recently wed and are already having communication problems

pumpkinsweetie · 24/12/2013 13:13

I see where you are coming from op.
You want a relaxing Christmas, not travelling, cleaning & trying to potty train in someone elses home.

Thing is your dh is the one at fault here, expecting all of this of you.
He needs to get off his backside & clean & potty train himself if he wants you to spend 3 days with his parents.
It sounds like he is getting a rest & you are not.

Fwiw we are all having a pj/onsie day here tomorrow, a nice relaxing Christmas, opening of gifts,with games, films, big slap up dinner, cheeseboard, pudding except we will all be comfy whilst we do it. Dm is coming to us & she chips in & helps too.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 24/12/2013 13:20

I can't imagine anything more ghastly than staying pjs all day...

But each to their own, I guess. I wouldn't do it just because an OH wanted me to, but he could go on his own with his son, I suppose.

cupcake78 · 24/12/2013 13:22

Erm! He wants you to clean the house. That's the first of many things is tell him where to get off. He wants the house clean, he cleans it.

This highlights the problem of doing the same thing year in year out. When it can't or doesn't happen people don't cope.

I'm sick of travelling round after everyone else on Christmas. This year I've decided we're having Christmas at our home with our kids. Anyone who wants to come over can but we do it our way not theirs.

It's far more healthy to teach your children how to adapt from routine and still manage.

flippinada · 24/12/2013 13:23

Look, some people just don't enjoy Christmas for various reasons, and that's absolutely fine.

Not everyone wants to spend it charging around various rellies and being all festive and that's fine.

Some folk love all that stuff and that's fine too.

There's need to have a go at someone or try to make them feel bad because their choice differs from yours.

flippinada · 24/12/2013 13:25

I should have made clear that was not aimed at anyone in particular.

CynicalandSmug · 24/12/2013 13:26

Yanbu, I can't imagine anything worse than a fussy Xmas with someone else's family. Can't you have your lazy day and leave him to do what he wants? It's your time too, enjoy it your way.

lilyaldrin · 24/12/2013 13:26

I would rather spend Christmas with my mum/extended family, from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day at least.

DP would rather a quiet, relaxed day pottering around at home.

Most important thing is that we spend Christmas together as a family.

Since we can't both do exactly what we want AND be together - we compromise, and alternate. I'm surprised that isn't what every family does!

Also surprised that some posters seem genuinely horrified that the OP might not want to spend 3 days with her inlaws every single Christmas...

Andrewofgg · 24/12/2013 13:26

Reminiscence here. Remember the Hatfield train crash when the East Coast line was buggered in the weeks running up to Christmas? I had a young Scots woman working for me at the time and I went into her room to hear her say "Mummy, I'm sorry, just to get a ticket you have to queue for horus then they can't promise a seat. Not this year. We'll come at Easter. Promise." Then she put the phone down and said "YES. thank you Railtrack, we don't have to go, Cyprus and the warm for us. I wonder how many others are saying that!"

And I said, "Margaret - I wonder how many parents are saying "YES. thank you Railtrack, we don't have to have them this year!".

She had not thought of it that way but you have to wonder.

LindyHemming · 24/12/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annonynon · 24/12/2013 13:29

YANBU

But why are you letting your DH decide everything? And why are you running round after him doing cleaning and childcare while he does nothing?

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 13:36

Euphemia I might have to use that! The extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins - there's a lot of them!) get together every year either before or after Christmas. His whole life it's been him, his parents and sister on the day.

They're lovely people, I just don't want to spend three days with them!

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DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry · 24/12/2013 13:37

He wants to have his cake and eat it - waited on by mummy as has been the case for decades as the precious son, and showing off his hardworking adoring wife and child.

Whatever you end up doing, he can't keep being as lazy and demanding as this!

When they come to pick you up does the whole house need to be clean and tidy, or just the bits they'll see? My "inlaws" clean is hall, front room, kitchen, stairs, landing, bathroom and for heaven's sake keep all the other doors shut! Your DH only has half the house to do, while you potty train etc.

dozeydoris · 24/12/2013 13:39

The problems seem to be that 1) you have to clean the house - well don't, you have a life time ahead of you and it's about time they accepted your housekeeping standards, 2) you have to stop DS pooing on carpet, well maybe nappies for the visit, that's a shame but otherwise let it happen!! What's the worst result, that they ban you all from coming round for next Xmas? 3) DH does nothing to help with DS, well take a step back, feign a tummy upset, keep busy 'helping' in the kitchen or whatever so DH has to do his stuff?

I think you could subtly change things to suit you better instead of taking umbrage at it all.

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 13:42

Annonynon I'm a SAHM, so obviously I do most of it anyway. I guess he sees it as my role. Trying to change that, but it's an uphill struggle!

As for letting him decide everything, I try to put my point across, but he doesn't listen. The only way I can have any kind of compromise is to just refuse to go, which will cause more problems than it solves.

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dozeydoris · 24/12/2013 13:44

Things will change with time imo. When DS is older it would be more sensible that DS stays home for Xmas morning, to open santa's pressies etc, then you go to DILs later. So this arrangement might not be set in stone.

lilyaldrin · 24/12/2013 13:45

So basically you're his skivvy, and he gets to make all the decisions? What was it that made you marry him?

themonsteratemyspacebar · 24/12/2013 13:46

I kinda get where he is coming from as i am in this situation right now.
Its my first crimbo away from my parents but we have compromised and are going to have 'my' christmas on boxing day, and we are about to head off to his family any minute now.

It does feel weird and a bit sad, but relationships are about compromise and im looking at it to see it from anothers perspective and i know i will enjoy it once i relax.

I think he you should both compromise really. He should have crimbo day his way with all of you and maybe boxing day as a family just the 3 of you, how you want it, or vice versa. Next year switch it the other way round and do the opposite days.

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 24/12/2013 13:53

That's the thing, I've given him every option I can think of - going up for a few hours Christmas day, or spending boxing day with them - but he just won't have it. We have to do the exact same thing he's done for the last 30 bloody years.

I really do feel like I'm just a skivvy. Only been married a month

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