To ask for some assertive, not rude, responses to M&Sil's likely comments tomorrow?

[lecce]

I am rubbish at this sort of thing and end up mumbling something and then feeling resentful, something I would like to avoid.

Likely isssues are:

• commenting throughout the day that the dc have far too many presents and being sulky when the dc play rather than making small-talk (they are 4 &6 and very polite, just likely to spend more time playing than chatting.)

• ignoring the way the table has been laid and pushing decorations and settings aside to make way for the carrier bags of crackers, humous, etc that sil tends to bring.

• giving the dc their present while I am in the kitchen, so I don't get to see it opened, or know exactly who has given what etc

• Mil walking around the house and garden and commenting on everything that needs doing, how expensive it will be, how the house will fall down if it's not done immediately, how we may have taken on too much etc etc

I know they are all minor issues, but, added together, they grate on me, especially since dh always bangs on and on about his family didn't really care about Christmas, commercialised rubbish, blah blah, but then they have to come to us each year and, imo, get a bit sneery about the way we do things. I just want to stand up for myself without causing offense, but, as I said, I'm crap at it .

I'd just say "Let's have one day of the year without negativity and rudeness, shall we?" and repeat until they get the picture.

My advice would be start drinking now. Don't stop till boxing day

'If you give the kids toys then they will play with them - that's what they do'.

Ask if there is anything else to go on the table, take it off them and place it yourself.

'No presents in the kitchen - please take them through to the front room and we will open them before/after lunch/at a certain time'

'Yes and we are looking forward to doing all the work in good time - are you volunteering to do it for us?'

Tell your DH to sort his family out?

I feel your pain.
My only advice is to be proactive. My instinct is to retreat into my cave around people like this, they sense it and fill the gap with PA comments. Greet them cheerily, take anything like crackers off them and/ or get them to put them out then, not when you're sitting down to eat and ignore the comments about children playing .
I get the pointing out what needs to be done and just say, 'that's rude!' And stare.
Unnerves the shit out of Mil who's on her way now- eeek. A fence has blown down and she will come in clucking about that.

1. Tell her that "in this house ppl have to sit on the naughty step for sulking"

1. Almost certainly requires a slapping of the hand moving things around.

Or move all outside wares to MIL's space, removing her glass, cracker, cutlery. You could hand- sweep it all into a waiting bin liner.

1. tough one.

Oh, when she arrives give her sticky labels with "from granny" written on them and ask her to put them directly on the opened gifts so you can thank her for the appropriate gift. Do this in front of everyone.

1. Drink gin.

Happy Christmas.

ACtually, a better one for 4 would be to agree that it will be expensive and tell her you're just waiting for an inheritance. Then wink and hand her a drink.

Re the kids, id just say 'its Xmas day, leave them alone'

Table - just remove it all and don't say anything.

Presents - pre-empt and ask them to call you in for presents as you want to watch them open them.

Comments about house - it will be fine MIL, don't let it worry you.

Oh, but funkyboldribena's are probably best.
Please come to mine next time my own DM is visiting Funky

"Isn't it lovely seeing them so engrossed in their games"

"Let me just take that from you and put it in the kitchen"

"Can you open the box of crackers and perhaps DC can put one at each place"

"We have decided to have all our presents at one time this year so we can all see the DCs open everything, shall I put your gifts with all of the others now?"

"Yes, there is a lot to do. However, we only have a certain amount of time and a certain amount of money and I do feel that family is important... "

And tell DH that you aren't having them next year as they are so fucking rude.
And drink.

When my MIL responded to the news that I'd be home schooling the kid's with "What! They need to learn to read and write you know!" I just nodded my head seriously and said "You're right, but I thought I'd just pimp the girl out for now and take the calls while I was watching Jezza - I'm not sure how I'll fit it in..." Half in jest, wholly in earnest and all that.

But jokes and subtle comments never make me feel better afterwards. The only thing that would make me feel better is saying "Honest to God, you are a massive prick. Fuck off!" no help here

Olwina I will take that advice. Tar!

I will never understand why people constantly take the high road when they are being made to feel like crap in their own house by guests during the holidays.

Fuck not offending.

Just say what you want to say. It's sure to shut them up once and for all.

Yy. There's politeness and all but sometimes I think people my MIL need to see your teeth. Just so they know they're there y'know?

So just a little growl - maybe along the lines suggested by pps, might go a long way. And I second that DH needs to sort them too.

Turn that frown upside down

in high pitched cheery voice

repeated at every negative comment she says.

I fucking hate it when people say this to me

Please come to mine next time my own DM is visiting Funky

You have to manage them, don't let them manage you. If you know what is coming, have strategies to sort it before it comes.

What does your DH say/do to all of this? It's hard to say stuff to your in-laws and I get that you don't want to offend them, but if he isn't helping or supporting you, then why?

commenting throughout the day that the dc have far too many presents and being sulky when the dc play rather than making small-talk (they are 4 &6 and very polite, just likely to spend more time playing than chatting.)

"Yes, they've been very lucky this year, haven't they? DC1 has been wanting that xxx for ages, it's lovely to see how he/she is enjoying it, and don't the DC play together well? Now, can I get you another drink? Is there anything you'd like to watch on the TV - there's a great film on soon/the Queen/horse-racing (whatever!)."

ignoring the way the table has been laid and pushing decorations and settings aside to make way for the carrier bags of crackers, humous, etc that sil tends to bring.

I'm not sure I'd be that bothered about this - at least they are bringing you things - but as it bothers you, I think I'd just collect it all up and put it on the side/in the kitchen/out of the way without saying anything. If they comment, you can say something like "I need the room on the table to serve the food/put out the wine glasses" I can't really see the problem with crackers though - do they really spoil your table/decorations?

giving the dc their present while I am in the kitchen, so I don't get to see it opened, or know exactly who has given what

This is awful! I think I'd be insisting that all presents go under the tree, from when they arrive. And then present-giving all takes place at the same time, for everyone. I'd be pre-empting this, by saying "OK, this is what we're going to do tomorrow. The DC will have their stockings first (if this is what you do of course!), then we'll come down for breakfast and after that, we'll open all our presents" Or whatever your preferred routine is - but you spell it out and make it absolutely clear when presents are being given/opened. And then you get your DH to object very loudly if they try and do any of this when you're not there.

Mil walking around the house and garden and commenting on everything that needs doing, how expensive it will be, how the house will fall down if it's not done immediately, how we may have taken on too much etc etc

Nothing you can really do here but agree There's no conversation to be had. Just ignore her.

Oh, and gin. Lots of gin. (For you, that is.)

1. something along the lines of " Children playing with toy, who'd have thought it? Anyone would think it was Xmas!, etc.

2. you know she will do this so pre-empt her. " is there any special food you've brought that you'd like me to add to the table?"

3. same as above, " any presents to go under the tree/ be opened at ( a time place of your choosing)"

4. you don't need to reply. Her, The shed is falling down!, etc", you, " Could you give me a hand with these sprouts/ moving chairs"

HTH

Just look at her with a sympathetic face and say 'Aw is something wrong? You seem so negative and miserable today. Normally you're a lot more cheerful'
Confuse her into being nicer.

I've found the ignoring/ deflection of snidey comments very, very helpful. The hard part used to be that I didn't know what to say at the moment it happened. Now I actually prepare a couple of responses in my head before they arrive and it's made a massive difference. Remember, these comments are made to get a reaction from you.

My FIL constantly makes inappropriate or racist remarks. Dh and MIL would laugh in an "ooh isn't he awful!" way and expect me to join in. I would just look at them and stay silent. Strange thing is they've now started staying silent too. FIL now refuses to stay overnight in my house. Result! Any long visits MIL comes on her own, FIL only comes for short visits.

IME ignoring is by far the most effective way of cutting someone's behaviour off.

When the DDs were yponnger and I didn't want them to pick up on my hatred for MIL I used to smile and walk past her wispering fuck you or fuck off. I am a bad person though.
She could never say anything about it because DH would have immediately asked her what she had done/said. He always backs me up because he knows what she's like.

Thankfully she's only allowed to come up for an hour tomorrow.

Thank you for all these lovely and funny responses. I was confused about why people kept mentioning crackers, as in the kind you pull. This isn't what they bring. They bring a half-eaten packet of Tesco basics edible crackers, or something, to spread the hummus on! Nothing wrong with the brand of crackers, but I don't want the scrappy-looking packet on my beautiful table . I wish they would bring the pulling variety, but that is the type of frivolous, capitalist-monstrosity of an item they would never bring - though they are quite happy to partake of anything along those lines that we have provided and paid for

Some of these suggestions I would love to use, but wouldn't dare, and they are dh's family, so I will stick to some of the more conservative ones and just have a snigger remembering some of the funny ones. That will help me get through, that and gin, of course .

Dh doesn't see a problem with most of it, doesn't notice some of it, and is irratated by some, but would never say anything. Not to trivialise his issues, but he has had a rocky relationship with his mother the years and has never really felt secure about her love for him, so he will never really stand up to her. However, since becoming a parent, he has taken her off the pedestal he had her on, and will have a moan to me about some of her more OTT comments and actions. i don't want to make things worse for him, but don't want to sit there like a twat taking it all either.

Thanks again for the suggestions.