To ask for some assertive, not rude, responses to M&Sil's likely comments tomorrow?

[lecce]

I am rubbish at this sort of thing and end up mumbling something and then feeling resentful, something I would like to avoid.

Likely isssues are:

• commenting throughout the day that the dc have far too many presents and being sulky when the dc play rather than making small-talk (they are 4 &6 and very polite, just likely to spend more time playing than chatting.)

• ignoring the way the table has been laid and pushing decorations and settings aside to make way for the carrier bags of crackers, humous, etc that sil tends to bring.

• giving the dc their present while I am in the kitchen, so I don't get to see it opened, or know exactly who has given what etc

• Mil walking around the house and garden and commenting on everything that needs doing, how expensive it will be, how the house will fall down if it's not done immediately, how we may have taken on too much etc etc

I know they are all minor issues, but, added together, they grate on me, especially since dh always bangs on and on about his family didn't really care about Christmas, commercialised rubbish, blah blah, but then they have to come to us each year and, imo, get a bit sneery about the way we do things. I just want to stand up for myself without causing offense, but, as I said, I'm crap at it .

Oh I've just noticed the not rude bit of your op .
Fuck that actually, be as rude as you like. You don't have to put up with other people's rudeness in your own home.

Xpost!

For the table dumping and presents you need to get DH on board and greet them at the door whisking away any bags/presents under the pretence of helping them get their coats off and settled. Then you control where everything goes and can dictate the present opening.

Kids conversation? Knobbers - anyway, go a bit stateside and get the kids to put on a bit of a show and belt out a couple of carols at them. I'll put money on them being happy enough to let them carry on playing if they're loud enough.

For the house comments, practice your tinklest laugh and say "fingers crossed it'll stay standing till we've finished dinner eh?" then tinkle laugh at every comment and try to deflect to DH while you remove yourself from the conversation.

Please please tell her you are waiting for an inheritance as suggested by AmandaClarke, followed by tinkly laughter and accidental dropping of crappy humous....

Fuck off said repeatedly covers all the above

Mil walked through the door and said, 'oh help what a jolly christmas jumper, oh how funny!'
It's grey, with hearts and was from Whistles, not Primark.
fuckofffuckifffuckoff

Can't believe no one's asked yet but....They have hummus on crackers at Christmas dinner??

Are they addicted, or is it all they eat, like Freaky Eaters?

'Fuck off' is a full sentence

Re the comments on the house, I tend to play a game of agreeing, and then topping their original statement. So they say, 'you've taken on too much here' and I say, deadpan, 'oh, much too much, we're totally overwhelmed, we'll be lucky if we don't have a serious injury with it all', etc etc. This is actually huge fun and can keep going for ages, especially if you alternate with enormous positivity, e.g. 'The entire roof needs replacing and the joists are totally rotten - but least said, soonest mended, eh?'

haha just like my ex MIL. I dont drink at all, but on Christmas day had to drink just to get through the day and to be able to smile inanely at the "don't they have such a lot of things at Christmas" type comments. to put it into perspective, we were quite hard up and they never had lots, very modest presents. I also struggled with having to listen to racist remarks.
This was the same MIL who as I said on another thread used to give us a £20 cheque for Christmas to share between 5 of us. She was very comfortably off.
This was also the MIL who used to continually tell us she had a tiny appetite and didn't eat/buy much food, but whenever she came to us for tea would eat everything in sight. Including grabbing the best cake off the plate first.
Looking back I was far too obliging, polite, respectful of my elders etc and should have been brave enough to assert myself in my own home.
I have learned everything I know about how not to be a MIL from her.
Fortunately I have been described recently as "dead normal" by one of my DIL's!

HelpYourself be sure to compliment her on her lovely "novelty" earrings/necklace/whatever tomorrow then when she says "Oh, no dear, these were my 50th anniversary present from FIL"just simper and say "Well, they certainly are JOLLY, they look like they popped straight out of a cracker". The bitch.

Hello all of you, this is my first time post and I am very excited and have had 3 Baileys so no pain, here we go !

Decide what makes you, DH and DCs happy and stick to the plan. Plan to give your DC's their presents at a separate time, then when the MIL etc arrive, the focus is on them giving the presents to their DGs.

My late MIL was an invalid for the last decade before she popped her clogs - not too soon as far as I was concerned. Anyway, she lived overseas and we had to go there every Xmas armed with suitcases of presents. Before her illness she had loads of ghastly relations to dinner with a huge 25 lb turkey which of course had to cook! When she got sick, she still ordered the same size bird for just 6 of us including 2 DCs, enough turkey for the whole island evey night for a week. After 8 years of this, I said to my exH, it was time for my DM to have Xmas with us. He said, what about my family? I told him he could go and cook for them but I was staying put with the DC. Of course he did not go - too much work and wouldnt you know the poor old dear expired 6 weeks after Xmas, my fault of course even tho she had been sick and was 82 years old.

Open all the presents before they get there. Smile and say, oh i didn't think you'd mind, you don't normally wait.

The inheritance one, excellent.

Get her to spread the hummus on the crackers and hand it round.

I'm not the best at assertiveness but what you should do is be honest but polite. For example with kids playing not chatting " we think it is more fun and age appropriate for them to play" or " Please don't put anything on the table, I've spent some time decorating it, but thanks for the lovely nibbles lets put them in the kitchen for snacking on later"
Don't be rude but don't worry about hurting their feelings, as they clearly have the hide of a rhinoceros not to realise they are being a bit rude and insensitive.

Another great MN strategy is to pretend that anything negative must be positive - e.g. 'they're being very noisy', 'yes, isn't it wonderful how exuberant they are? . Works a treat with my MIL and confuses the hell out of her because she is so bloody stupid

41 posts and no one has yet suggested the classic?

Allow me...

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

I'd pick up my side plate and say "Gonna put some humous on a cracker for me ta!"

I wouldn't make the table at all.
wait until they get there.

put all the mats and cutlery etc on the sideboard and make them do it when they arrive. just put a white base cloth onnand say "oh, I've run out of time, woyld you please help by laying the table? here's a bowl for your shitty crackers :) "

Re:- house.

"Ooh I know. We're thinking of introducing a visitor tax. One DIY job per meal provided. Do you fancy paintiing or plastering?" tinkly laugh. "Just kidding!"

ATruth - I was going to say that very thing!

Just confuse them with politeness & totally show the pair of them up.

Or go with what AmandaClarke & BeastOfBurden said.

Can you text them now and say as a family you have planned for all to open gifts together. Tell the kids before so they know. When they arrive tell them where to leave gifts bags etc and clear a space beforehand.

if they are rude perhaps say, it's Christmas let's try to be reasonable. Repeat as needed. Make sure your DP backs you up!

Suggest they play WITH the kids.

And tell them presents will all be opened together.

For the house - "Isn't it nice to put your own stamp on a home though. I can't wait."

I love this thread more than anything ever.
I am almost looking forward to seeing my vile homophobic old bat of a mil at some point next year just to say some of these replies to her.
Idyllic.

NotGood - welcome to MN, but I'm failing to understand your post! Why did you dislike your mil so much? She must've done something worse than being an invalid for you to dislike her so much you looked forward to her dying!