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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I don't want to fecking come!

35 replies

Thegrinchishere · 23/12/2013 23:45

Myself and dp all ways went out for a meal on Xmas Eve . He wants to carry the tradition on now that ds is here. Ds is 9m.

I don't really like going out at night with ds as he is such a bad sleeper. I didn't fancy it.

I didn't actually say " I don't want to go " just thought he wouldn't actually organise a thing and I could 'forget' .

He has know invited the whole bloody family. They are really late eaters so I did my best to get them agree to a six 0 clock meet up. Which is actually bang in the middle of ds bath time. He is then put to bed at half six and will nod off.

Most of the family are disorganised - loads of kids so a 6.30-7pm meet up is more likely going to happen.

Then the meal will last a couple of hours then it's 45 min journey back.

Ds will not sleep at all if there is a tiny bit of stimulation and I won't even be able to eat my meal as he will be tired/ confused .

I will literatly be spending three whole days over Xmas with dp family and now this is over kill.

AIBU? If so what can I do? If not what can I say to get out of it.

OP posts:

AwfulMaureen · 23/12/2013 23:49

Pass him round the table. I see your frustration but looking back at this time with my own children, I see that I was always so controlling re, naps and I KNOW it's because you dont want the bother of him upset but it's christmas and you sometimes have to give over a bit.

givemeaboost · 23/12/2013 23:55

I agree, go but take his pram to put him in when he gets too tired. Im all for having LOs in routines, mine have been in a routine since about 2/3months old but sometimes they have to fit around you, otherwise you end up missing out. Honestly sometimes the thought of something is far worse than the reality!

usualsuspect · 23/12/2013 23:57

It's one night.

He will cope. Son will you.

Go have fun.

usualsuspect · 23/12/2013 23:57

So not son

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 23/12/2013 23:58

there is a bad sickness bug going round...

i would hate an extra day with the inlaws.

AuntySib · 24/12/2013 00:00

Actually, I think it's waste of time and money taking babies/small children to restaurants, particularly in the evening. They don't enjoy it ( well mine certainly didn't), so you can't enjoy it; might as well stay at home in the warm!

HavantGuard · 24/12/2013 00:00

That's lovely. Tomorrow afternoon your DS is going to 'be a bit off colour' and need to stay home. With you. Your DH can go and enjoy himself.

PansOnFire · 24/12/2013 00:13

Hmm, I agree with you Thegrinchishere. However, like the others have pointed out it's one night and it's Xmas. You should go, take the pram and just be able to leave if things really get difficult. My DS is 1 and this sort of situation has been one of my issues since he was born, at first I'd always say no because the thought of dealing with him in front of everyone whilst my meal goes cold was not my idea of fun. Experience has taught me that it's never as bad as you think, my DS loves these things where he's passed round the table and although my meal always ends up cold and not eaten it's actually fun watching family with DS.

If you really can't face it then be honest with them and tell them it's in the middle of bath time and you've been struggling with sleep. Don't lie, they won't believe you and then might think it's personal, leading to more problems. It might be worth giving it a try though.

Thants · 24/12/2013 00:31

Go to meal and let dp deal with the baby all night. Why should it be you?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 24/12/2013 02:28

There is a rule. You don't get to bitch about things you don't ask for. If DH suggested it and you didn't want to do it, you should have said no. That was the time. Now, seeing as you didn't say no, he has organised it. Absolutely let DH deal with DS but nest time, tell him what you want.

Kafri · 24/12/2013 03:46

I can see exactly where you're coming from OP.

DS turns into demon child once tired and to this day (1y) will not sleep on his back so pram is out of the question.

I refuse to keep him up late as it completely spoils whatever we're staying up late for us and for everyone else there.

My sisters baby on the other hand is generally quite placid and can be comforted a little more when he's tired so she does tend to keep him up later on occasions.

I just think it's not me missing out, it's me doing what he needs for the time being and it won't be forever.

I've had the 'don't let him rule you, he should fit in with your life' speech and I listen and nod before doing what I want with my done anyway.

I agree you should really have spoken up earlier and said no but I don't think you should feel pushed I to going if you know it'll cause bother for DS and therefore you.

To be fair, I'm all for a simple life and will go with whatever makes my life easier so maybe not listen to me

Twattyzombiebollocks · 24/12/2013 07:15

I think you know your son best. With my eldest I wouldn't have attempted it, he was cranky when tired, wouldn't be held by anyone else and wouldn't sleep if we were out. My middle daughter was a party animal and despite being massively over tired would have loved it and been life and soul of the party (and then had a screaming strop when we went home) I would have taken her knowing full well I would enjoy the meal as would she. My youngest I would also take knowing full well that she is a placid happy little soul who will be happy being passed around family so she can play with their necklaces and pull glasses off/play I see with napkins, and when tired will happily nod off in her pushchair.
If you think he won't cope, then by all means invent a sickness bug for yourself, and ill bet my bottom dollar your other half won't take baby on his own

DontmindifIdo · 24/12/2013 07:27

For me, the deciding factor would be what he will be like on Christmas Day. At this age, if ds was kept up late, he'd be a screaming nightmare and then be screaming nightmare the next day too. At the next day is Christmas, there's no need to spoil that just to try to do tradition.

If you can't talk to DH about it and agree you won't go, I'd acquire a migraine around 5pm. Best you sleep and keep ds at home, he can go and hopefully you'll be better for the morning.

DontmindifIdo · 24/12/2013 07:29

Or be honest with DH, ds can't go, can you call round babysitters, you'll stay at home and settle him, leave with anyone you can find to sit and you'll join the party late.

Patilla · 24/12/2013 07:38

Honestly I can see your point. DD is a similar age and it would just spoil the next day as she sleeps atrociously after going to bed overtired and it's me that would bear the brunt f it.

You didn't put your foot down but your DH doesn't seem
To have listened either. It's water under the bridge anyway.

I think I'd be all cheerful about it during the say and then manufacturing a temperature in your DS or symptoma in yourself round about mid to late afternoon. Not exactly honest but best for everyone in the long run from
The Sounds of it.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 24/12/2013 07:39

Some good advice here op....stop being so rigid with your babies schedule. You need to relax and stop being so controlling. Your son is clearly picking up those vibes from you and becoming highly strung. At 9 months he can be passed around the table and get tuckered out and be asleep by 8 or 9. Make sure you take a pram with a hood so you can block out the light and he should be fine. I have 3 kids and even my autistic daughter was easy to settle when out in the evenings. Enjoy the meal.

MincedMuffPies · 24/12/2013 08:02

Just go, you can always leave if you have to.

Bubblegoose · 24/12/2013 08:14

If you don't think it'll work, don't go.

I always love the suggestions to "just pop him in his pram and let him nod off when he gets tired." Wish I'd had a baby like that. Well, DC2 is a bit like that but DC1 ... whenever we stayed somewhere new DC1 would be up until midnight screeching. A dinner scenario like this would've been my idea of hell.

BohemianGirl · 24/12/2013 08:16

Children are supposed to fit in with your life, your life isnt supposed to stop and you revolve round children.

But you do what you think fit, just dont expect your partner to stay in with you though.

VeniseAndMe · 24/12/2013 08:26

Well from the outside, I know I used to look like someone with extreme control over when my dcs slept when they were that age.
Except that the reason I was so uptight was because I had learnt the hard way that not doing so meant a very difficult time (grumpy, overtired baby who wouldn't settle at all and then a very bad night of sleep and a not so nice evening spent jiggling a baby, being worried he was annoying everyone with his cries etc etc).

The first thing that is coming to my mind is: why, knowing how hard it can be to deal with your dc when he is tired, does he want to go out with a baby in the evening? Has he ever been left handling the bay in hat sort of circumstances?

My point to him would be:
I would really love to spend that time with your parents. That sounds a lovely idea but I know that he will be overtired and grumpy, hence me saying 'NO I don't want to go'.
As this is clearly something very important to you, I will be delighted to come as long as you also take full responsibility and care for your baby for the evening.'

And then leave him to it.

He won't do it again.

Coldlightofday · 24/12/2013 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdithWeston · 24/12/2013 08:35

YY to handing DS to DH to deal with.

I think you should attend. If you really did not want to go, you should have said so loud and clear at the outset. Or should have been involved in making the plans, rather than leaving it to him in the hope he'll "forget". It is very unfair to try to impose your will (no matter how important to you and your perception of domestic need) at 11th hour when you did not care enough to do so at the planning stage.

I think, in the future, you need to be far, far clearer about what you want at the appropriate times. This situation was entirely avoidable if you and DH had negotiated properly before any invitations were actually made.

During DS's childhood you can expect many times when you and DH will not see eye to eye. Unless you get the communication between the two of you sorted out, it will be much harder than it need be. And that is course for your DS than one night out at Christmas.

FacebookWanker · 24/12/2013 08:38

OP, you know your baby best and what works for some babies won't necessarily work for others. You're not being controlling...just doing the best for your baby.

If you're unable to get out of it, maybe hand the baby over to DH. When he sees how much it disrupts his meal he may think again next time.

I don't see the point in doing something that you know will result in a grumpy, over-tired baby. It's not fair on him.

Cathycat · 24/12/2013 08:39

Agree with Veniseandme here! Could you also take anything that will enable your son to sit comfortably for a while?

EdithWeston · 24/12/2013 08:42

"maybe the OP doesn't want to make her baby miserable for a couple of hours?"

That isn't OP's strongly held view though, is it? As she says at outset, she never said "I don't want to go". Complaining on the very day of an event that you didn't actually care enough about to discuss properly when mooted just isn't fair and is hostile to good communication between spouses.

This is a communication problem at heart, not a baby care one for a few hours at Christmas. I think OP needs to look at why she was, in this instance, so unfair to her DH (who is presumably not a mind reader) and what she will do to fix it in future (or is he going to have to become one?)

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