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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ILs to stay?

30 replies

lovelilies · 23/12/2013 21:59

Dp's parents are intending to come and stay 'some time in the new year'. Our first baby together is due on 12th Jan (ie any time now). I've only met them once, we all went out for dinner. nice polite conversation.
Don't know if it's particularly relevant but dp's parents are Indian, and from what I can gather they are not what you'd call liberal, dp's brother who is in his mid thirties still doesn't dare tell them he lives with his Caucasian girlfriend of 7 years Hmm
Anyway, I said to dp that I probably won't want them to stay when the baby is brand new, as I'll be tired, sore, can't imagine bfing in front of FIL... so he just goes off on one saying their hos parents they can stay whenever they like, and saying how he doesn't want my mum dictating to him how to bring up our baby Shock I know they don't see eye to eye on a lot if things however my mum is close by and helps a lot with my dd (8) so really it's quite different. Plus I've always agreed with him that we'll do what we want regarding baby.
WIBU to say something about his parents staying? They're practically strangers, and dd hasn't even met them....

OP posts:
Upcycled · 23/12/2013 22:03

Do you have enough space to will it be crowded? Will you struggle with money to put them up? Are they independent?

Bowlersarm · 23/12/2013 22:07

They might be practically strangers to you, but they are your DP's parents, and will be grandparents to your baby!

I'm not great with houseguests personally, but I think you need to find some kind of compromise.

PoppySeed2014 · 23/12/2013 22:08

No. No no no.

I had a similar situation when my mil insisted on staying (only for 1 night ) when my baby was a few days old. It was hideous. I still struggle with her now because of that invasion of privacy. I was so tired, so overwhelmed... And I had specifically told her that a day visit was fine but staying the night wasn't. She insisted she wanted to come to help. ( help , pft....)

Please say no. Yanbu.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 23/12/2013 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 23/12/2013 22:10

YANBU to not want to have total strangers descend on you when you have just given birth - or will DP be doing all the cooking and cleaning? Even then, its not really fair on your 8yo IMO. That said, they are your baby's GPs just as much as your side of the family are, and you DO need to invest some quality time in all getting to know each other better. Your MIL might be lovely and become a good friend to you and a great influence in your childs life. How far away do they live, that you have only met them once? I think its sad that (so it seems from this forum) many people try to block out "the inlaws" from their cosy little family unit TBH.

Original poster
lovelilies · 23/12/2013 22:10

They are independent and they will stay in the spare room. Money wise should be ok... I just feel like I won't be up to 'hosting' ie cooking for them, making sure place isn't a complete bombsite etc.

OP posts:
PoppySeed2014 · 23/12/2013 22:11

I do think it 'a a cultural thing though. My mil is also Indian and the normal thing for her was to come and stay. But what's normal for her felt veeeery uncomfortable for me.

WhoNickedMyName · 23/12/2013 22:12

I'd save the argument until they actually set a date to come and stay. It might never happen.

And if your DH wants his parents to stay that's fine. He's perfectly entitled to want that.
As long as he understands you'll probably be tired, sore, busy with your new baby, and he will have to do all the preparation, shopping, cleaning, cooking, entertaining them, etc?

Original poster
lovelilies · 23/12/2013 22:16

I have tried to organize more 'get togethers' but dp seems to keep them at arms length, they live 300 miles away. Don't get me wrong, I'd love for us all to be one big happy family, but the fact is they are strangers to me and dd, and having just given birth, I don't think is the best time for them to be immersed into our lives Sad
I was quite happy for them to come boxing day as was the original plan and if baby came early we'd just roll with it, but now new year is more suitable for them Hmm
Plus theres a big language barrier, dp only speaks to them in Punjabi, FIL speaks good English (but doesn't speak much) and MIL who did make an effort at the one meeting, doesn't speak too much English.

OP posts:
BsshBossh · 23/12/2013 22:16

I think it's cultural too. I'm Indian and it's very common for the grandmother to want to come and stay when a baby is born. More common, however, for the mother of the mother and not the MIL though.

Upcycled · 23/12/2013 22:19

TBH OP, if you have spare room, spare money and they are independent I see no reason why they can't stay. I am sure they won't be bothered about you being to busy and tired to be a perfect host. They might even be very helpful.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2013 22:20

I don't understand your DP at all.

Whenever you've tried to organise a get together, he's kept them at arm's length.

Yet when you (quite understandably) don't want them in your home at this particular time, he throws a wobbly? Confused

CuriosityCola · 23/12/2013 22:20

I don't think you are being unreasonably to be uncomfortable with this. I'm guessing your mum isn't staying either? Having a house guest and a newborn is most people's idea of hell.

I would take more positive action now. Say you are looking forward to seeing them and suggest a date that suits you (and your dp). From personal experience after the 6-8 week mark is better for house guests. Breast feeding is more established. You will be feeling more healed etc. Of course if they want to visit their new grandchild before then they can stay in a b&b.

Otherwise, set a predetermined length of time on their visit. How far is it for them to come?

I think it is important to have grandparents from both sides of the family involved. I'm especially aware of this as I have two sons!

You and your partner will need to chat about it again and come to a solution. It sounds like it has got heated as it is a touchy subject.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/12/2013 22:21

Ask your DP to take time off when they visit so he can cater to their needs and let you get on with healing and bonding with baby/establish breastfeeding etc

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2013 22:21

Oh and make sure your DP does all the 'hosting'...seeing as he won't have just given birth.

CuriosityCola · 23/12/2013 22:23

Epic cross post. Smile Your partner sounds like he is being very irrational. Is this less to do with his parents and more to do with his relationship with your mum? If he is worried about parenting choices he might be trying to have people who back him. I have worded that terribly, but hopefully it makes sense.

DontmindifIdo · 23/12/2013 22:27

Is your mum near by? How long would the PIL be planning for staying for? It might be useful for you to say of course they are welcome but you won't be able to host, cook, clean etc, will he be doing it or will he be expecting you to, because you don't want the house to be a mess and no food when you have guests.

Alternatively, would your mum put them up when they stay?

Original poster
lovelilies · 23/12/2013 22:28

my mum won't be staying over, daytime visits only. I'll just make sure it's when he's on paternity leave so he can look after them. I may be overreacting, and they'll be helpful and not be bothered about me slobbing around in milk covered clothes Confused
May just have to see what happens. Not relishing the idea though Sad

OP posts:
Jengnr · 23/12/2013 22:29

Sounds like you have an issue with your partner if he's saying that about your Mum out of nowhere.

Zipadeedoodah · 23/12/2013 22:32

I don't see how the parents in laws' heritage has really got anything to do with this, conservative and liberal parents come from all races. Surely you knew that they only spoke Punjabi when you got married? Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but fair enough if you don't want them to stay but to hold them at arms length with your fingers pinching your nose because they are different does not bode well for the future...how are you going to integrate with them? They are your child's grandparents after all. I am in a mixed marriage and have been for nearly two decades, and really work to try and make sure that both sides get to feel included. I started from a point of viewing each family as individuals not people from a certain race. I am sure I don't get it right but at least I didn't start with a roll of the eyes when explaining your pils are Punjabis. Just because one marries someone from a minority doesn't mean that they can't be guilty of casual racism.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/12/2013 22:32

OP have you disucssed who will be playing host whilst his parents come over?

If he thinks you will be dancing attendance to them what are your views?

Zipadeedoodah · 23/12/2013 22:35

By the way with all my children I made sure that never had overnight guests but that was because I didn't want anything to take the attention away from that particular baby...nothing to do with race! Signing off for the night and maybe longer as am a little offended by the inference of the OP...

birdybear · 23/12/2013 22:43

You sound unhinged! How can she be racist if she has an Indian partner!?!

Original poster
lovelilies · 23/12/2013 22:43

Zipa I'm sorry you feel offended by the fact I'm not looking forward to having people in my house who can all speak (some) English but will converse quite happily between themselves, thereby excluding me and dd.
They are the ones with the problem regarding race, as explained by their reaction to dp's brothers partner.
I mention the race as I believe it to be part of the background info to my situation.
And we're not married btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelilies · 23/12/2013 22:44

Thanks birdy. I was a bit Shock to be called racist!!!

OP posts: