which takes priority, my child my rules, or my house my rules?

[elfsmamma]

I am in the midst of a family get together at my parents house, it's jolly most of the time but there are certain issues that me and my mum don't see eye to eye about.

The first is stairs, my ds is not yet 1 but has been walking since 10 months, he can crawl up and down stairs but ideally I'd prefer him not to think stairs are a fun play area. He understands not to go near things that are dangerous, for example he doesn't touch the Christmas tree because we have told him not to, I think we should also tell him not to go on the stairs. My mum thinks that babies should be allowed to fall down the stairs to help them learn how to use them safely. My parents house is a split level house over 5 floors with a very open plan lay out, so shutting the door and avoiding stairs isn't really an option.

The other issue is germs, my mum isn't worried about germs but I am, I actually really struggle with anxiety surrounding my dc's health. A member of the family had a tummy bug, I thought it would be sensible if I kept ds In a different room when possible to the person with a tummy bug ( vomiting child so in my opinion a fairly big infection risk) I appreciate the risk of catching the bug is fairly high when living in the same house but I'd at least like to attempt to avoid it. As it happens no one else seems to have gone down with the bug (so far) I think it was possibly excitement or a reaction to food as the child had no diarrhea or fever.

Me and my mum get on great most of the time, but in these cases who decides? I don't expect my mum to care for my dc, she wants to, when she does aibu to expect her to respect my rules? Aibu to expect her respect that it's my baby my rules and if I want to keep him away from ill people ( not expecting anyone else to change their plans, quite happy to hang out in our room or the 2nd living room or go out) and not let him play on stairs then it is my choices to make?

Your child, your rules. Always.

well if he falls down the stairs and has brain damage, and you are explaining why you let your son do it to people and then living with yourself after...I guess there lies your ansa.
I wouldn't really like to risk death or brain injury because its someone else's stairs.
David Nivens wife died from falling down stairs.

Yes re the stairs, no re the bugs. Germs are everywhere.

Your child your rules as long as its not rude.

I think you are overestimating the capabilities of a child not yet 1 if you think they 'understand' danger to an extent that you can rely on.

The solution is to supervise you DC yourself constantly, even if hostess thinks you are bats. If hostess prevents you supervising, do not visit again until your DC can genuinely be relied on to understand risk and follow instructions without major departures from word or intent (probably 7+.

A bit of both.

With things that only effect you/your child - then your child your rules. So if you want to keep your baby quarantined or stop them climbing the stairs then fair enough so long as you aren't expecting everyone else to do the same.

With things that effect other people, then my house my rules. So you can't expect everyone to be silent during nap times, or if the rule is no eating on the sofa, then you can't expect an exception to be made just for your kid.

TBH I wouldn't trust an under 1 year old on the stairs, but I certainly wouldn't trust them to understand to stay away from anything they are way to young to have that level of understanding.

If your in the house and mixing with people who have been in contact with the bug your not going to avoid it by alienating the person who is ill.

I suppose the problem is that my mum thinks it is rude that I don't trust her style of parenting ( the let your kids fall down the stairs and share all your germs style of parenting).

I really love my mum and I have fond memories of my childhood but in hindsight I was given far to much freedom, thank goodness I was an extremely cautious child.

I think it's your responsibility to police your own child's use of the stairs even if it means following them everywhere.

I think the germ thing may be a little ott but you admit that yourself.

I would say it's your child your rules in both those cases.

Nobody would get a say over whether my 1 YO was able to 'play' on the stairs but me and DH, and we wouldn't do that, or accept it was inevitable they were going to fall down the stairs.

We still tell 4 YO DD not to play on the stairs even now, I'd try and avoid even adults falling down them let alone a baby.

I've had similar issues with my mum as well, one memorable time round at hers when DDs dummy had fallen on the floor and I rinsed it under the tap and she insisted it should have boiling water over it. Given she was crawling around eating random bits off the floor I knew it'd be OK.

It wasn't about the dummy at all, it was about her trying to exert her authority over me and ultimately parent my DD.

She was always doing it, and I wasn't having it this time.

It didn't go down well.

You sound a little over protective. The thought of avoiding someone you're under the same roof as seams extraordinary. It must be very hard for this other young child to comprehend your reaction or understand the invisible barrier you wish to build around your DS. Can you imagine what it would be like for your DS in a year or twos time if he just wanted to play with another child and every time he approached they were snatched away?

If you want to avoid the bug you shouldn't be there. Alternatively logically practice extra good hygiene. Wash hands properly with soap before eating etc.

I don't like playing on stairs. They're for going up and down sensibly. I'm firm with the DC about this. At granny's, when I'm not there, they play going down on their bottoms. Her house, her rules. But when i'm present if its not offensive its my rules.

It's your child so surely you will be supervising so can just steer them away from the stairs and play in the other room if necessary. No need for rules in any form.

your mum is unreasonable. while it is probably the case that it helps children to learn how not to fall down the stairs by doing it once, there's absolutely no reason to go seeking that shit out. dd1 fell down the stairs when she was about two, scaring the bejaysus out of both me and her, she hasn't done it since, still waiting for dd2's tumble (she's 2). at one, neither of them went on the stairs without a parent.

it is completely reasonable for you to want to avoid your tiny child getting a digestive illness for christmas. quite apart from the fact that tiny children dehydrate very fast, being up all night with a vomiting child is no way to spend the festive season.

and it's always up to you (and other parent) when it comes to a child.

'mum thinks it is rude that I don't trust her style of parenting'

But she's not your DCs parent, you are, and she has to learn to defer to you in matters concerning your DC because of that.

Wouldn't you do everything possible to stop your baby being ill over Christmas MisFor?

I bloody would.

Extra misery all round? No thanks.

In my house I have certain rules that all dc who come around have to follow like eating at the table. So if you said my dc are not allowed to eat at the table that would be fine but they wouldn't be able to eat in my house iyswim?

So although in my DMs house dc have to follow her rules (very over the top) anything that would compromise their safety or worry me I would over ride.

I do supervise him constantly around the stairs, there is one glass door that shuts and closes off a living room ( also the bedrooms have doors) so I keep him in one of those rooms.

The problem is that if other family members think he is safe on the stairs, which he probably 90% of the time they will just let him play on them whilst not properly supervising, I found my mum encouraging my baby to go down the stairs alone whilst she stood a couple of steps above him, I don't think she would have been any use if he had fallen.

I don't want to have to police my family when they spend time with my baby, but I want them to keep him safe to my standards.

I've just gone cold at the image of her behind him encouraging him to go down the stairs. I'm normally fairly laid-back but I still have flashbacks to the day DS, then 2, fell right down from the top of the stairs in front of me. He was fine but he could so easily have been badly hurt.

It drives me nuts with sickness things (as opposed to respiratory things) when people imply it is inevitable that everyone will get it. YANBU to try to stop your child getting it, and if you manage things properly you can stop your child getting it, which is of course, well worth it both for you and the child's own sake. So there is no need to defeatist about this

Same for the stairs! Children can break their necks on the stairs. lots fall and don't (like me) but why be defeatist about this either?

Are you over-anxious? be honest. Wanting to try to avoid your child getting the raging shits is not in my definition of over-anxious, but... are you?

Is your mother over-controlling? Being prescriptive about dismissing someone else's small child's risks seems so, unless you genuinely being a bit of a PITA about it.

In short, keep smiling, keep doing what you think is best, do the broken record technique if necessary, and if you feel that there are deeper issues in your relationship with your mother, or about your anxiety levels, manage them separately. It is ok to decide what to do about your child and if this doesn't feel right, something is bothering you, and it might not be the work of a moment deciding what, or what to do about it

Is it possible to have a conversation with your mother about this? And make clear that, she parented her way, you and your DH are parenting your way. And you don't mean any of it as a criticism of how she did things, but this is the way that suits you, as a parent.

Don't let anyone feel you're being rude keeping an eye on, and speaking up for if necessary, your DS.

He's counting on you making sure he's OK, and that includes making judgements about how other people behave around him.

I don't mean hovering in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable and anxious but if you need to say something just use the distraction technique of saying he's having something to eat/walk outside/bath/nap etc before scooping him away, or bawling loudly across the room WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH MY SON!?? go up to talk to whoever it is and gently prise him away for a cuddle.

your child, your rules .....for anything to do with their safety/diet/general parenting technique. so your rules about what you feel is best/safest for DC trumps her ideas every time..

However, my house my rules for anything that might impose on the host in a negative way - ie not letting your DC play with scratchy toys on the best table, not having cup of juice on the best carpet or wipe sticky fingers on the curtains, not bouncing up and down on the new sofa in their outdoor shoes....these things are common courtesy and anyone who says "my child can do that cos I say they can" is just RUDE.

I really sympathise elfsmamma - I've had the same issues with both my own family and my partner's. My daughter at age of 2 fell down the stairs at her aunt's while being supervised by her teenage cousin. I was told by my sister in law that "that's how she will learn" - really? And my mum never intervened at any point in her dangerous open plan house with multiple levels when my daughter was learning to walk. It gave me nightmares at the time and I often dreaded going to "un-child-proofed homes". I agree with other posters, the only answer I'm afraid is to supervise your child yourself, at all times, and do not rely on others when they do not hold your values. Although it's exhausting, your child will get older and the issue will lessen with time.

I am an anxious person, but ironically I think alot of that is to do with the lack of rules I had as a child.

Another aspect of the tummy bug issue is we don't live in the UK so we have an international flight a couple of days after Christmas, it could possibly be more than just a rotten Christmas and sleepless nights, it could possibly be rebooking flights for us.

Ds is very physically able and I think it is easy to forget how young he is, he also has a fair few words and he understands lots but I don't think this necessarily means his danger perception is at the same level.

Ds was also very ill as a newborn, he spent a week in hospital with rs virus, before then I was fairly relaxed about his health, I feel that I need to do something to tryto prevent him getting ill, even if it is just keeping himin a separate room, we didn't follow the 24/48 hour rule, the ill child was perfectly fine the day after and they played as usual.

Your child, your rules.

And your mum is quite frankly being an idiot about the stairs. Stairs are one of the most dangerous things in a house for a small child. I can never understand how people can be so daft letting young children go up and down them unsupervised as much as I've seen people do... someone I know fell downstairs and broke her neck aged 30. There's no way I'd let a small toddler near them.

Yanbu.