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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reporting family to police.

50 replies

trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:02

A member of my family has expressed their disappointment that I reported a family member to the police for physically manhandling me out of another family members house.
I was not asked to leave beforehand by the householder or the person who manhandled me out, lifting me off of my feet in the process and barging past my DC.
Apparently, being lifted and literally thrown out of a house is not enough to warrant calling the police and reporting for assault if the perpetrator is a member of the family.
Obviously the family member is now very angry with me, and some other family members, although careful not to take sides, have told me that I was unreasonable to involve the police.
I was left with substantial bruising btw.

I see family members as people, and I believe if I would call the police on a neighbour or stranger doing the same thing, then I will report family to police too.

All of the people I am referring to in this post are adults btw, except the DC I mentioned.

Where is the line drawn?

Would you report a family member to the police for something you would have no hesitation reporting someone who wasn't family for?

Should allowances be made simply because the perpetrator is family?

Your thoughts please?

OP posts:
youarewinning · 23/12/2013 20:04

Why did they remove you physically from the room?

I'd like to think in principle have have the guys to do what you did.

BohemianGirl · 23/12/2013 20:04

What did you do to require man-handing?

AgentProvocateur · 23/12/2013 20:05

Depends what had led up to the incident, I suppose. If I was being a drunken arse in a pub and the bouncers lifted me out, I wouldn't report to the police. Same if I was being a drunken arse in a relative's house. What were the circumstances?

Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:05

Would it be helpful if I mentioned that a number of episodes, by different family members have been brushed under the carpet previously and minimised, so calling police is not done by myself lightly. In fact, this was the very first time, and was because I was very frightened at the time, as well as being very angry that this person did this.

OP posts:
friday16 · 23/12/2013 20:07

www.itv.com/jeremykyle/be-a-guest

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 23/12/2013 20:08

Why did they have to man handle you out, did they chuck your DC out to.

BohemianGirl · 23/12/2013 20:08

er, no .... what did you do that required you to be 'manhandled' out of the house???

Womnaleplus · 23/12/2013 20:11

Naughty friday

BabylonReturns · 23/12/2013 20:12

Without knowing what warranted you being tipped out, it's a bit hard to have an opinion really!

Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:12

Family member was being verbally very rude to me. I asked them to stop being rude. They shouted more abuse. I shouted back 'Stop right now'. I turned to walk away. Family member flew at me and manhandled me out of house to the complete shock of everyone there.

No alcohol involved.

Family member said to another family member afterwards that they had to remove me or they would have hit me otherwise, because I should not have spoken to them like I did. I only spoke to ask them to stop.

Same family member has previously caused another family member to feel very frightened by intimidating them and shouting at them. That was a year or so ago, and the other family member who was frightened by aggressive family member is a pensioner. Aggressive family member is a young healthy person.

Aggressive family member is not always aggressive, only when made to feel uncomfortable, or challenged to stop saying or doing something they don't want to do. Aggressive family member does not accept any form of criticism at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:16

Pensioner is now wary of this family member, but continues to associate with them regularly, just walks on eggshells, knows to retreat even when in their own home so as not to antagonise aggressive family member.
No one has ever reported this family member before, I was the first.

Apparently, I should not have reported because as well as being family, aggressive family member was also in other trouble at the time non violence related and me reporting them didn't look good for their record.

OP posts:
Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:17

Just to put things into some perspective, aggressive family member is not always angry or aggressive, only occasionally.

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 23/12/2013 20:17

Um, well no, it is entirely reasonable to report.

It sounds a bit victim-blaming to ask 'what did you do?' But equally, the circumstances would help me to advise. If you, say, pinched their newborn baby then I might see their side of it IYSWIM...

Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:19

friday16 Confused

What is your point?

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 23/12/2013 20:20

And this is why I never post.. Because I always x post. Yes, reasonable.

Do you have contact with this person regularly?

ElbowPrincess · 23/12/2013 20:20

I am guessings its your brother, and either your mum or perhaps your Gran is frightened of him :( I think you did the right thing. Is he violent to any of them?

ElbowPrincess · 23/12/2013 20:21

friday16, a bit uncalled for I think!

BohemianGirl · 23/12/2013 20:26

There is a whole back story here ..... which we arent getting.

mrstigs · 23/12/2013 20:27

I think i remember your original thread op. If im correct, then no - i dont think i would have. Not because they did the right thing, but given the whole background i wouldnt have wanted to inflame the situation between you both further.
That said, you wernt being u to do it. The relative did the wrong thing, and you had every right to report it.
Hope things are a little better between you all atm.

Theknacktoflying · 23/12/2013 20:27

Getting the police involved is just going to make a bad situation even worse. What exactly do you want the police to do?

Just because they are family doesn't exempt them from being pulled up by the police, but there is also an argument not to exacerbate things and not be clouded by what he might have said/done wrt other members of the family

Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:27

I no longer have any contact with this person, partly because I do not trust him, and partly because he is so very angry with me for reporting to police that he refuses to grace me with his presence.

Yes, this person is my brother, and the pensioner is my mum. My sister has regular contact with him as does my mother. They believe it was a one off caused by brothers anger coupled with my provocation. The provocation being me speaking up and asking him to stop being rude.
I can accept a certain amount of moodiness and rudeness but that particular occasion, he was extremely rude, and I didn't see what was wrong with asking him to stop. Clearly my family do not agree, even though they say they have only told me they do not agree with my actions, and not told my brother that they do not agree with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:31

My mum and sister do trust my brother, and although they say they accept he is manipulative and has been aggressive to my mum as well as me previously, mum does not believe he would be aggressive towards her again and my sister does not believe he would be aggressive towards her at all because she is not a doormat. Confused

I'm not sure it is wise to trust someone who has previous form for intimidating aggressive behaviour irrespective of whether they are family or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:42

Theknacktoflying I accept your point about not being clouded by what he has done to other family members. I was more interested in whether my judgement was clouded by my family or whether their judgement was.
There have been incidents where other family members have punched children and generally been violent towards children which has always been swept under the carpet because they are family.

My family are great believers in smoothing things over and sweeping things under the carpet to maintain relations at any cost, whereas I don't always agree with that, mainly because I think it gives the perpetrators carte blanche to do as they please.
Maybe people don't think like that though. Hmm

This is the very first time that anyone has reported another family member to the police.

I reported my brother because apart from being hurt and shaken up, I also wanted to convey the message that I found his behaviour unacceptable and I wouldn't be tolerating it.
I also wanted to set an example to my children.

OP posts:
randomAXEofkindness · 23/12/2013 20:42

What did you do to require man-handing? - What a shitty question. It assumes that the op did something justifying being manhandled. When somebody comes on saying their dh has just slapped them, do you ask "What did you do to make him slap you?"

YANBU. And I can see the benefit of ringing the police. This person is much less likely to lay their hands on you again. I called the police after my older brother threatened me, he was only fined, but he won't come anywhere near me now because he knows that he won't get away with it. Speaking from experience - I have an extremely violent family - calling the police works.

Original poster
trustingnoone · 23/12/2013 20:44

Interestingly, it has always been a man who is violent when there is violence, and the women sweep it under the carpet. It does not happen the other way around.
Nobody really expects the men to have to tolerate rubbish behaviour, yet it is deemed acceptable for the women. Confused

OP posts: