To have paid money for Dh's family not to stay with us over Christmas

[Upcycled]

Dh, Dd and I live in a small 2 bedroom flat and PIL live in a small 2 bedroom house two hours driving away. Every year Dh's two siblings come over from Scotland too. We can't go spend Christmas with PIL since I work Christmas eve and Dh and I works on Boxing day and we don't drive so it is easier if they come here. Specially because Dh is the cook and he prefers to cook in our kitchen.

Anyway, this year I had the crazy idea to rent out my neighbours 2 bedroom flat for the two nights the family will sleep over (since she is away for the season) just so PIL, BIL and SIL could sleep in proper beds and have some privacy. Also an extra bathroom will be handy.

When I told them about the plans yesterday, MIL said: oh exactly the same thing you have to do when we all spent Christmas at SIL's in Scotland. I had to bite my tongue because in my head I wanted to say: No MIL, actually when we were invited to spend Christmas with SIL in Scotland we had to stay with baby Dd in a rough B&B (which had no one responsible to and we could't get new bed covers after Dd vomited), up a steep heel, sharing a bathroom and kitchen with strangers, putting our food in a communal fridge (yes we had to buy some food) and we paid ourselves for the privilege therefore getting in debt because we were skint at the time. Whereas you and FIL stayed in SIL's spare room, not having to climb up and down the hill with a baby under the snow

Now, I am not expecting they to pay me anything and won't ask but should I take it if they offer, (I think they won't)?

I guess that I am ranting because we all went to pantomime and lunch the other day and PIL wanted to go to lunch afterwards and picked Weatherspoon because FIL was going to pay for lunch. As PIL had organised the pantomime tickets, I thought it would be unfair for them to pay for lunch as well so I ordered and payed whit out expecting BIL and SIL to chip in which they didn't anyway...fine.

But now I see on FB that the four of them went to a posh very restaurant for dinner tonight and we were not included...nice.

Oh and they always plan something to do on Boxing day and never include us. And that is why now we just go to work and that is it.

Sorry looooong.

Just wanted to rant.

[ilovesooty]

If you rent the flat in future and ask your in laws to contribute are you planning to tell them money changed hands this year?

[Upcycled]

I did not use the word rent because I did not want they to feel that they should contribute because this was not the original arrangement. I thought I would be rude if I specified I rented. However if she asked directly out of curiosity, I would not lie and if she wanted to contribute, I would accept it. I am not swimming in money.

I am from a culture where people tend to very much direct and straight to the point. This doesn't seems to go down very well here, or at least with Dh's family or even with Dh tbh.

My spoken English isn't that great either, so now I am trying to learn how to use the right words and the right expressions and the right way to say things as it caused problems before.

BTW, Dh knows everything nut he is so laid back, he does not mind...he will always bend backwards to please his family which is nice but to me sometimes I think it is unfair.

However he did think that we should have given SiL's spare bedroom when we went to spend Christmas with her and PIL should have gone to the B&B.

[Upcycled]

And yes, if they ask if money exchanged hands this year, of course I am not going to lie.

[CaptainTripps]

My head is now confused as to whether or not you secretly do want the money despite what you say.

Good idea to lay all the cards on the table for next year.

[lisianthus]

Whether the neighbour offered her place or not, all your MiL know was that she allowed MiL to stay there. You concealed the fact that you paid for it, even though it could have been mentioned perfectly naturally in conversation while making it clear that you wanted to pay for it as part of hosting MiL.

Therefore, it was perfectly reasonable and understandable for MiL to believe no money changed hands and the neighbour was being kind. MiL was thus being polite by wanting to send the neighbour flowers and not you, because as far as she knew from the inforation you had permitted her to have, her neighbour, not you, had done her a kindness. Most people would feel uncomfortable staying in someone else's home for free without sending them flowers at the very least, hence your MiL pushing the issue. You had a very easy way of resolving it at that point by telling MiL that you had paid for the flat, but you chose not to use it. Next time, just tell her.

If you plan to do it again, you may want to tell her now under the explanation of "clearing up the misunderstanding", because if MiL is told next time that the flat cost money, she may well feel embarrassed that she unwittingly did the "wrong" thing this time, and presumably you will not want to put her in an embarrassing position.

[ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas]

You don't have to have them come every year you know. Even a year off might make them more tolerable!
I don't understand adults who think a two bed house is big enough for 6 adults to sleep in. You're not students. If they aren't completely broke they should stay in a hotel. Guests are more welcome when not there 24 hours a day anyway.

[Junebugjr]

Just have Christmas on your own with your own little family in future.
If its not this that pisses you off it'll be something else another year. I'm not sure why so many insist on spending Christmas with nightmare relatives, when all that's needed is 'we'll be spending the day as a family thanks' and see them sometime before the new year. You do need to start speaking more frankly to them though, although they do sound rude not inviting you out on boxing days.
The first and last time we had MIL over for Christmas she attempted to reorganise the chrismas dinner and wanted a full on Starters/dinner/desert/cheeseboard/coffee and mints silver service sit down meal, which wasn't possible with a 8 month old and 2 yr old. She won't be invited again. You just have to stick with what makes your own family the happiest.

[Upcycled]

Dh insist in having them over Christmas. I don't mind that much and I am learning more with the years to accept our differences. I am also more mature of course than I was before so Christmas is getting better. The lack of space really gets to me and stress me out. The amount of work in the kitchen used to stress me out too, but now I find it quite therapeutic tbh, I hate sit down for hours watching TV with other people and being uncomfortable while doing so.

There are no hotels or b&b nearby enough. walking distance, over here or over there where they live. We don't drive and PIL won't drive because they want to drink.

Also they want to wake up in the morning and see Dd's opening her presents, so they must sleep over on the 24th. I know I could put my foot down and insist they come on the 25th but I will be against everyone, and be perceived as an unreasonable bitch.
Dd is the only grandchild they have, so I let them have their way sometimes.

Christmas for me is not a big deal as it is for them, so I try and go with the flow.

[LongWayRound]

OP, it sounds to me as though in trying to find a way of not being as direct as your home culture, you are not being direct enough. It's difficult knowing how to say things tactfully in a foreign language, and the fact that you seem to speak very good English (judging from your written English) may actually be an obstacle. When you speak a foreign language very well, native speakers assume that you know the social expectations as well as you know the language, which may not be true: so they may think that the foreigner is being deliberately rude or awkward. Equally, your interpretation of other people's actions may be mistaken (eg assuming that MIL was avoiding the subject because she didn't want to talk about money). If you get on with your in-laws well enough to enjoy seeing them over Christmas, I'm sure you'll find a way to negotiate the question of accommodation more satisfactorily next year.

[Upcycled]

You are spot on LongWayRound .

Will definitely work on learn more about the cultural aspect of the language as well as vocabulary.

[BackforGood]

I'm with Cabrinha too - you are being cryptic with them and then upset when they don't know what you mean. tbh, if a neighbour had said you could use her flat as she was away, I - presumably like your MiL - would have thought 'how kind' and wanted to leave flowers as a thank you. It wouldn't cross my mind for a minute that you were renting the place off them. If you chose to do this - without offering PiL the choice of what they were happy with, kipping on the floor, or paying out £100 to sleep in neighbour's flat, then it seems unreasonable to be seething that they haven't then given you the money for it.

[Upcycled]

When did I say I was seething because they haven't given me money for it?

I am just thinking I MUST be crazy to spend £100 like this just to avoid me being squashed in my own house for a few hours before and after bed time.

I was squashed all the same during the day anyway.

I did not offer them a choice, no, I made the choice on their behalf because it would be very stressful for me to have 4 extra adults with all their stuff in my small flat. It was for my convenience as well as theirs. I would still have me own bedroom and bed though so it was more for their convenience, as I would not die of stress only for 2 days.

[Chippednailvarnish]

So stop bloody moaning then...

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Fucking hell these people just cant win with you OP!

[givemeaclue]

It was entirely your choice to spend the £100.they don't even know about it, I can't see any cause to be cross with them.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Are you lot the in laws?

[Upcycled]

Hahaha I will bloody moan as much as I want and you are not required to take part.

[Upcycled]

I think the point went missing. WIBU to spend this money or should I have saved and embrace the sotuation (4 extra adults for 2 days in my small flat) ? I know I shouldn't have mentioned all the other stuff but if you cant use MN to moan and rant, somebody else in RL pays the price.....

[givemeaclue]

It is done. Move on.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

"Are you lot the in laws?"

Thank fuck, no

[HelloBoys]

OP I read your thread re drinks and I think you are a piece of work and expect A LOT!

Oh ANC you're Christian too so obviously better than your non Christian wordly greedy inlaws.

Thank heavens you're not related to me by marriage!

[StealthPolarBear]

Were you being unreasonable to spemd the money? Only you can answer that - was it worth it?

[Upcycled]

Oh yes it was worth it.
They were happy and slept very well and I was happy too!!!

Maybe I am unreasonable and hard work, who knows? Maybe they are too. But we manage to get on regardless. We try to accept and understand each other and never had a fall out.

I don't know why people keeping drag religion to my threads, since when religious people are perfect?

Anyway, we have had a lovely and comfortable Christmas this year despite my annoyance that they have NO IDEA about, so we are all happy!

Happy New Year every one!

[Chippednailvarnish]

Maybe the lack of drinks, offers of help and what you consider to be generally unacceptable behaviour by your Ils is all because they aren't mind readers?

Or they are doing it on purpose just to piss you off, because its a case of you reaping what you sow.

[StealthPolarBear]

If you get on well then what is the issue? If it was worth it why do you think you were being unreasonable?