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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's a bit late to drop out of Christmas dinner

54 replies

happydazed · 23/12/2013 01:44

Sorry, another Christmas thread. Got a text before to say sil won't be coming over at Christmas, she's ddecided to go out with friends instead, I invited her months ago and she always said she was coming, we see her quite regularly.,only last week she talked about what time she was getting here

I have already bought food, presents, sorted sleeping arrangements, all to include her. There will be 11 people so I know really one less won't make much difference but still, it just seems rude to me to drop out this late.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 10:31

Sorry, I can see that you clearly say in your OP that she is going out friends.
It's not great on her part, but likewise, I don't think it'll make much of a difference to you.
Just forget about it and have a happy christmas.

ViviPru · 23/12/2013 10:34

I'd just see it as an opportunity to show her how magnanimous and flexible I am while privately feeling superior as I would never be so rude and annoyed as I am a control freak and like things to be just so

You say her family being upset will make things awkward, but that is entirely separate from you. As DamnBamboo says, unless you can honestly genuinely say you will really miss her company on the day, then really, she's doing you a favour....

WitchWay · 23/12/2013 10:38

Rude to take the "better" offer, however 11 down to 10 is not like 4 down to 3 for example. Don't invite her next year & see what happens...

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 10:41

I am baffled it has to be said. So she changed her mind, so what? If I was hosting, I wouldn't care and wouldn't refrain from inviting her next year to make a point either.

Christmas does encourage some bizarre behaviour.

delilahlilah · 23/12/2013 10:43

Maybe there is a man on the scene rather than friends, and she isn't ready to tell you all yet. It is quite short notice, but as others have said, 11 down to 10 sounds like a favour!

limitedperiodonly · 23/12/2013 10:44

I guess she has got a better offer but I wouldn't mind under the circumstances.

She's single and in her thirties, perhaps she's met someone or is in with a chance of meeting someone and doesn't want to lose it.

I'd be quite pleased if she started the new year with a new relationship.

I don't expect the rest of you will even notice her absence.

wonkylegs · 23/12/2013 10:49

One year my sister didn't tell me she'd changed her mind until I phoned to ask what time I needed to meet her train. She didn't answer the phone, so I left a msg and immediately she texted to say that she'd spent the money I'd sent her for a ticket and couldn't afford to come after all, she hadn't answered the phone in case I was " unreasonable about it"
I was furious - it wasn't about the food or beds but the fact that I had to break it to a small child who was extremely excited to see Auntie and she'd fleeced me of over £100.
We didn't talk for a while after that one.

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 10:54

Wonky that's awful

Did she pay you back, or at least apologise?

Sunshinenow · 23/12/2013 11:03

I' be much more sympathetic. Xmas can be excruciating for singles. Being surrounded by happy families can be awful

Giving her the benefit of doubt how do you know this hasn't being playing on her mind for months.

I have been in that situation. By whole family regard me as 'flaky' and 'rude'. They have absolutely no idea of how hard Christmas can be for some people.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 23/12/2013 11:05

I dont get the infantalising on this thread. She is in her mid-30s, a grown up not a teenage girl. She is free to change her mind at short notice but the consequence is that hosts may not be as welcoming in future. No one has to invite ill-mannered guests a second time.

Squitten · 23/12/2013 11:08

She's being rude for sure but one missing person in eleven won't be disruptive to your plans.

I wouldn't invite her again though

BoJolly · 23/12/2013 11:15

I would prefer that she ring to cancel than turn up and be sat there wishing she was somewhere else.

MadeOfStarDust · 23/12/2013 11:52

Go with the flow - it's Christmas...

still don't know here if BIL will be coming Christmas day (he is always broke and tends to try and pick up an extra shift if he can - sometimes last minute) - does it matter - nope.. there will be food and drink and he can doss on the sofa if he wants to..

some folks seem to be a weeee bit control freaky on this board - do you really have to have everything planned down to the last roastie... (it's mine!! cook's privilege)

Freddiefrog · 23/12/2013 11:56

I think it's rude to accept an invitation, then blow it out at the last minute because you've got a better offer.

But 1 less for Christmas dinner isn't a huge faff so I'd just go with the flow

2rebecca · 23/12/2013 12:09

I think it's rude and as she is mid 30s would have told her that it's rude to change her mind with just 2 days notice because she got a better offer, although would probably have only said that to my own sister not my husband's (and suspect my MIL would have given her a flea in the ear about it anyway). If she was under 25 I'd have cut her more slack.
I wouldn't invite her again in a hurry.

Christelle2207 · 23/12/2013 12:13

More food and space in the lounge for the rest of you I guess. Don't let it ruin your day but she's definitely rude.

ABitterPIL · 23/12/2013 12:17

Yanbu. But then i cant do my food shopping right now because bil hasnt decided if he sil and 3 children are coming to us or going elsewhere......and people wonder about my nn

R2G · 23/12/2013 12:20

Think it's a little rude to drop a text rather than call. She doesn't need to grovel or anything but could have called and thanked you for all your effort but...

wonkylegs · 23/12/2013 12:23

She didn't pay me back, my dad was mortified and tried to give me the money on her behalf which I declined as I knew he couldn't afford it but he did manage to finally shame her into an apology.
I now never tell anybody if she says she's coming, so there's no disappointment (except from me) when she's a no show.
I stopped buying her Birthday/Christmas presents after that as I figured she'd had them in advance in cash.
Most of my family except my dad are absolutely shite at visiting but apparently it's my fault as I moved up north 17yrs ago, despite the fact we still manage to go see them after they moved to far more expensive places to visit (London) where we have to fork out for hotels & travel, they only need to do travel here.
Can you tell I'm not bitter

Original poster

happydazed · 23/12/2013 12:51

Thanks for opinions, quite a split and I kind of agree with both sides. We have just talked to her, and turns out there's is some issues with extended family and she wasn't feeling very welcome, we have reassured her and helped iron out issues and now she's coming.Turns out i was being unreasonable! Someone made a good point about how the people who don't tend to host themselves are often the unreliable ones, I think they just don't get the time effort and money that goes into Christmas, I know one less won't actually make any difference but it's not really the point, anyway I'm glad I didn't let her know I was upset, probably would have pushed her away more. Hope you have a good Christmas and all your unreliable relatives sort themselves out too!

OP posts:

BoJolly · 23/12/2013 13:44

Ah, a happy ending

It proves that it is good to talk.

warriorwoman · 23/12/2013 14:17

I just wanted to add that asking people over for Christmas dinner months in advance doesn't leave people much room to consider other options. We can sometimes create too much stress for ourselves, when we don't really need to.
I'm glad it has turned out well.

whois · 23/12/2013 15:08

Yay happy ending!

Jenny70 · 23/12/2013 15:51

I can sympathise, my -lazy- nephew and his mother couldn't decide until yesterday what they were up to - and they've decided (when I rang them) that they'd prefer to stay home, just the two of them doing nothing special. Grrrr. The kids were all excited to see him, but alas he lets them down again. Just as well they will be thrilled to see the other visitors when they come! :)

HissymasJumper · 23/12/2013 16:43

I wondered if this had something to do with the family...

Glad you have offered the support she needs to attend!

Families are/can be crap.

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