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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expensive monetary gift - WWYD/AIBU?

44 replies

ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 10:01

DP went out last night with a very old, close friend of ours. He hasn't seen us really in a year as he's been working abroad. He earns a lot of money (this is relevant). Friend said he would love to buy our 2yo a Christmas present, what would she like? Put on the spot DP couldn't immediately think of anything so friend said he would transfer over some money and we should buy DD something from him. He has no DC or DNs so said he was clueless on what to buy a toddler, he'd rather we chose something she would like.

DP has checked his account this morning and friend has transferred over a large sum of money. I know this is a normal sum for him, from what he has bought other friends for birthdays etc, but it is a lot of money to us and more than any of our friends or family would spend on DD in years.

I think that people decide how much they want to spend and we should accept graciously, buy DD a present and put the rest in her bank account. DP thinks that we should refuse graciously and transfer all the money back. I think that's a bit rude to our friend, but I do see his point.

Genuinely don't know what to do - I don't want to be rude, but also don't want to be grabby. Can I ask what other people would do?

OP posts:

bumbleymummy · 22/12/2013 10:03

Say thank you, that was a very generous gift, buy your DD something she would like and put the rest in her account as you said. :)

superram · 22/12/2013 10:04

If he didn't want you to have it he wouldn't have given it. I would be hurt if you gave it back. I would buy a present (quite a big one, dolls house, bike) then save he rest and tell him what you have done in the fabulous thank you card you will no doubt send.

sooperdooper · 22/12/2013 10:05

If your friend is happy to give it and can easily afford it I think you should say thankyou, get you toddler to do him a picture maybe from her as she's too young to write a thank you? And then transfer it into a bank account for her :)

HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies · 22/12/2013 10:06

I don't think it's grabby, you didn't ask for the gift and it sounds more than affordable for your friend and something he wants to do. I'd also buy a small gift and bank the rest for her.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 22/12/2013 10:07

I think he'd be hurt if you gave it back.

Use some for a gift and the rest in bank account, and mention what you have done when you thank him.

Saurus72 · 22/12/2013 10:07

Like others have said, buy your child a present, save the rest and send a thank you note, possibly including a photo of your daughter playing with the present.

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 10:07

So sad that your husband can't accept the gift graciously :(

By his logic, should I be returning gifts of small value because think that proportionately that's too much money for my friends and family on low income to be spending?

By returning the money, he'd be effectively saying that person doesn't have the intelligence to make their own decisions!

I'd buy your child something nice with it and add the rest to their saving account for when they are older.

Bowlersarm · 22/12/2013 10:09

It would be so hurtful to your friend to give it back. Don't do that. He would be embarrassed and yes, hurt.

Agree with others, buy a present, bank the rest, and send a lovely thank you with a photo.

funnyvalentine · 22/12/2013 10:10

Exactly what bumble said!

It's not grabby to keep money that an old close friend has given as a gift to your child.

If he earns a lot, I'm sure he was trying to be generous rather than make you feel awkward and in his debt.

Original poster

ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 10:10

DP is just worried about this as this particular friend can go OTT with money - for example, they'll go out for a few drinks after work and end up eating in a really expensive restaurant at friend's insistence and shout. He worries that it seems grabby, not that his friend can't make his own decisions.

We had this 'debate' before when friend bought DD a pushchair after she was born (when chatting I mentioned we were going shopping for a new pushchair as our loaned pram was a beast, and he insisted on paying)

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 22/12/2013 10:12

why would you want to refuse it? Friend wanted to transfer the money and decided himself how much.

Jinty64 · 22/12/2013 10:12

Yes, accept it in the spirit in which it was given.

Original poster

ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 10:19

DP is just concerned that it is so much money. It's much more than we're used to as a present so I think he feels a bit awkward, that's all.

OP posts:

funnyvalentine · 22/12/2013 10:22

The thing is, when you have enough money not to worry, spending on other people can make you feel good! Money really doesn't seem as important as making someone else happy :)

sooperdooper · 22/12/2013 10:23

It can't be grabby if you haven't requested it, and the gift is for your dd, not you or your husband so accept it gratefully and be glad you have such a generous lovely friend

sooperdooper · 22/12/2013 10:25

And why shouldn't he go OTT with his own money if he can afford it? :)

DameDeepRedBetty · 22/12/2013 10:28

We're so conditioned to give rather than to receive. A very kind MNetter who is considerably better off than we are has sent dtds a lovely, expensive gift this Christmas, and we are accepting it in the spirit in which it is meant. It's not been a great year, and this has made the difference between a scrimped Christmas and a not-too-bad one for us.
A lovely doll's house or similar and the rest into her savings account sounds like the way ahead to me too, and I love the idea of a photo of her playing with it in the thank you letter.

Whatevertheweather · 22/12/2013 10:28

How much are you talking? £50 £100 £1000? Is he the sort of person who would like a day out with your dd if so could you use it to pay for a nice day out all together?

ClaudiusMaximus · 22/12/2013 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aldwick · 22/12/2013 10:38

Honestly - be grateful that your daughter has someone so kind and generous in her life. It would be awkward and more than a bit rude to send back what is in effect a gift. The man is a grown up who is enjoying the chance to spoil a little girl so let him! If he was on the breadline I could see your DH's point but he is not. Merry Christmas to your DD. what about a small present and an annual pass to a local attraction then you could take your friend next time he is back?

HazleNutt · 22/12/2013 10:41

it might be more than you're used to, but it's what he normally spends on presents, as you say. I really don't see why you should sent it back. I often give quite expensive presents and would not want to have them returned - it's like hinting that I might not be all there and didn't realise how much money I spent, and need the gift-receiver to look after my best interest.

purplebaubles · 22/12/2013 10:44

Lovely gesture. Accept and send a fabulous thank you card (with some personalisation/art work) from your daughter.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/12/2013 10:45

I'm usually all for accepting with grace but given he bought you a pram after you mentioned needing one i'd not be comfortable accepting another large gift from somebody who i rarely see. Different if a close relative that lives a distance away.

I'd buy a lovey gift for your DD and send huge thanks to your friend but return the balance saying you had change after shopping for the ideal item.

Tbh, its a little weird he has your bank details to simply transfer cash to, none of my friends would have mine. Your DP could have simply said a book, jigsaw or voucher for x if put on the spot rather than opt for a cash transfer.

purplebaubles · 22/12/2013 10:46

ps. I once got a £200 Dualit toaster as a moving in present off a rich friend. Everyone else had bought us a card or a bunch of flowers!

I felt the same as you initially but when my mum pointed out that £200 to my friend was like £10 to me, I felt a lot better about it!

rootypig · 22/12/2013 10:48

Yes to fabulous thank you card, fab idea baubles

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