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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expensive monetary gift - WWYD/AIBU?

44 replies

ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 10:01

DP went out last night with a very old, close friend of ours. He hasn't seen us really in a year as he's been working abroad. He earns a lot of money (this is relevant). Friend said he would love to buy our 2yo a Christmas present, what would she like? Put on the spot DP couldn't immediately think of anything so friend said he would transfer over some money and we should buy DD something from him. He has no DC or DNs so said he was clueless on what to buy a toddler, he'd rather we chose something she would like.

DP has checked his account this morning and friend has transferred over a large sum of money. I know this is a normal sum for him, from what he has bought other friends for birthdays etc, but it is a lot of money to us and more than any of our friends or family would spend on DD in years.

I think that people decide how much they want to spend and we should accept graciously, buy DD a present and put the rest in her bank account. DP thinks that we should refuse graciously and transfer all the money back. I think that's a bit rude to our friend, but I do see his point.

Genuinely don't know what to do - I don't want to be rude, but also don't want to be grabby. Can I ask what other people would do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 10:57

It was several hundred pounds. You're right, baubles, it probably is to him like me spending £10 on a present, if not less.

Great ideas, thank you. I will buy her a present for the day but we've recently enrolled her in football classes, so I will probably use the money for that (friend is a huge football fan so he will definitely approve). I will also get her to make him a fantastic thank you card, could always get one made with her in her football kit?

I know why everyone is saying it's not weird but it kind of is when there is such a difference in incomes, every now and again it feels a little uncomfortable!

Is it weird he has bank details? We've gone on holidays, bought joint presents etc, people just transfer money between each other. I have most of my friends bank details over the years as I've had to give them money before. Is that unusual? Confused

OP posts:
mumofweeboys · 22/12/2013 10:57

Buy something fabulous for your dd and out the rest in the bank. Give friend a nice card with a photo of dd with her pressie

MalcolmTuckersMistress · 22/12/2013 10:59

What a wonderful friend! Sounds like someone who really cares for his loved ones. I agree wholeheartedly with what others say. Get a token gift for them and invest the rest of it. Lovely!

CaptainHammer · 22/12/2013 11:14

I have close friends bank details from previous transfers, it's just automatically saved in my account so it can be transferred easily, not weird imo!

The football idea is brilliant!

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 22/12/2013 11:17

What a lovely friend you have! I would accept the gift in the spirit with which it was given and do as you suggested, buying your DD a gift to open on Christmas Day and football lessons.

As he has no DCs himself it probably means a lot to him, and you can show him something tangible that he bought her.

IceNoSlice · 22/12/2013 11:32

I agree with everyone else. I have single, childless friends who work very hard and earn a lot of money who think nothing of spending loads on meals out and gifts (think mulberry handbags, montblanc pens). You weren't grabby at all - he probably values your friendship and spending time with your family (something he hasn't got) more than you realise.

I also have loads of friends bank details from previous transfers to pay for holidays, hen dos, joint gifts etc. Not weird at all. Internet banking saves them automatically.

rootypig · 22/12/2013 11:37

Not strange at all, I have most of my family and close friend's bank details for the same reason OP. Football sounds great.

monkeyfacegrace · 22/12/2013 11:39

Id use it to buy a years worth of good swimming lessons. And tell him how excited she is to get to go swimming every week.

badtime · 22/12/2013 11:39

Just as you wouldn't think someone on a low income was being tight if they gave a present of low monetary value, you should accept that a large amount of money from a very well-off person is not excessive.

It would seem very odd if you gave it back - if I was the friend, I would be very insulted if my gift was returned.

badtime · 22/12/2013 11:41

Oh and the bank details thing is normal - I don't carry much cash, so I often have to transfer money to friends (yeah, I know...)

HermioneWeasley · 22/12/2013 11:47

Football idea is brilliant

Not weird to have friends' bank details

Is there something you can do for him? I get the impression he may be single? Would he enjoy some family meals at your house? Or some home baking?

thegreylady · 22/12/2013 11:50

Accept graciously. I think the football idea is perfect and also put some in her account for later. I agree that having him round or inviting him to see dd play football would be perfect.

Original poster
ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 12:45

That's a great idea about inviting him to watch a class, I will definitely arrange that, then Sunday lunch afterwards.

It's also a good point that if I wouldn't think twice if a friend on a very low income gave DD a chocolate bar. Everything is relative. This just felt a bit awkward but clearly it's not. I'll tell DP he's wrong!

OP posts:
whois · 22/12/2013 13:03

Is it weird he has bank details? We've gone on holidays, bought joint presents etc, people just transfer money between each other. I have most of my friends bank details over the years as I've had to give them money before. Is that unusual?

No. I have most of my close friends bank details and they have mine. As you say, joint holidays, meals out, buying tickets for stuff - always transferring money to friends or they are transferring it to me.

verytellytubby · 22/12/2013 13:06

He sounds lovely. Accept it with grace.

I wish I had a rich childless friend in my kids life Wink

dontcallmemam · 22/12/2013 13:08

I think you should accept a lovely generous gift with good grace.
A football card with DD featuring in the kit is a lovely idea.
He'll get so much pleasure knowing how appreciative you are.

Original poster
ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 13:18

Yes, tellytubby, he is a bit of a walking cliché in that sense!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 14:28

The football lessons and card sound like a great idea.

As for having friends bank details, I have a couple. They asked me to transfer money in to their accounts to cover direct debits for a couple of days, then paid me back.

EssexGurl · 22/12/2013 16:44

We usually put cash presents for DCS into their savings accounts. Older relatives find it easier to give cash and the kids have more than enough stuff already. If your little one wants something in particular then buy it and save the rest.

After my mum died my dad took over the present buying. He just does cheques with a nominal gift we suggest. Phew has no clue on amounts and first year was overly generous. DS v excited to have such a large cheque for his birthday and gleefully told PIL who are very stingy even tho they have lots of money. Cue much larger cheque appearing from them. Good!!

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