To ask if you have an introverted dh ,and if so how do you relate

[sugar4eva]

Been with my dh many years . He is solid reliable . I am outgoing but burn myself out at times and whilst I bring spontaneity to relationship which he likes he is realy quiet and he does practical things that are kind like bring me a cuppa in bed etc.i sometimes feel a bit isolated though as he is mostly self contained and rarely starts conversations and when I do he often gives shortish answers rather than it leading to more discussion . He also doesn't really say how he is other than ok and he never plans for us to have friends round which results in me doing all the planning . When we were younger this was less apparent as we had lots of uni friends around and then when we had d c we were natuarly busy . I know that some men sometimes rely on women to organi se stuff in my experience and I accept this , but sometimes it doesn't feel very exiting to be the organiser of stuff and if I didn't we wd just drift with no plans at weekends. He does work v hard and I know he is tired , but for eg he has all of Christmas off work and has not suggested anything . I have talked to him about thus over the years and he says and means it at the time that he will make an effort but nothing happens as I guess it is his nature. So advice anyone with similar d h . I guess acceptance is the key?

I have a very similar husband, though probably a little more so than your DH. I think acceptance is the key, but you're right it is harder to keep up with friends as we get older. I've accepted now that I can have some friends but we together can't have any. So we don't ever have friends over for example. It can be lonely at times but I love DH and we make it work for us.

Hmm. I don't think that what you describe is characteristic of introversion, TBH. At least, it sounds very extreme.

We are the otherway round. Im extremely introvert, he is gregarious. I'm getting to the stage where I think "Im a grown woman I dont have to socialise any more if I dont want to" but then everyone just thinks I'm odd and antisocial so I have to pretend at the endless round of parties that I'm enjoying myself.

for eg he has all of Christmas off work and has not suggested anything

maybe he wants to just see how the hols unfold? you know, no plans.

i can relate, my job requires me to plan stuff to the nth degree most weeks, and it's sheer bliss when i get to have some time off and not have to plan anything, or have to interact with anyone. and i say that as a confirmed extrovert!

i think you're right that acceptance and comprimise is the way to go though. his nature is part of who he is, and you need to find a balance (that might even be you doing stuff without him, as long as you're both happy with the plan/setup that's all that matters)

It sounds like you're basically incompatible. Neither way is wrong but it's up to you both to decide if you can make it work together. If you can't it's fine to end it. Difficult, of course, but you are not duty bound to live your life according to your dh's wishes if doing that makes you unhappy.

Handbags : I think we have similar situations . I'm finding it a bit of a struggle to remember what I love tho unlike you as his nature feels quite hidden...if your dh is similar would you mind telling me how you ' know' and love bits about him when they are difficult to access due to introversion tendency? Thanks

I like the peacefulness. It's very relaxing.
We share some activities, but the noisy social stuff I do on my own, or with friends. The relationship suits us both, and we accept each other's strengths and flaws as ones we can live with. Neither of us gets jealous or paranoid about the other.

My Dh is all of the above & he has ASD, it runs in his family & it was and is extremely difficult to live with him sometimes but we make it work. I work for the adult conversation because he will never spontaneously start a conversation or keep it going. His whole family are like thIs, they shut down and close people off so you can spend a whole afternoon with them saying very little to you. It is difficult sometimes.

I have an introverted dh too. Much as you describe, especially when it comes to planning social activities etc. He has few friends but they sometimes invite us over via him, which I'm always very happy about, as I like to meet his friends. He chooses more wisely than I do and they are always interesting people!
I have a standing joke with mine about my 'grand romantic gesture' ie. when will he ever plan a nice weekend away for us both, sort out childcare etc. I've realised since my 40th (when he mucked in with party plans as I organised) that he just doesn't work that way. He doesn't understand when I get mightily grumpy about lack of activities at weekends but then sometimes I have to admit that 'going with the flow' can be lovely too.
Introverts are often paired with extroverts (I'm one). Opposites attract and all that. With mine I've adjusted with the realisation that this is how he is, and this is the man I fell in love with. He's my best friend, and the main things he needs are me, the kids, and time on his own to potter about. If we had a bigger garden, he'd have his own shed space.

He showed me an article about introverts recently which summed him up so well. I think he was trying to help me understand his ways a bit better!

Silver ; yes I totally agree re the peacefulness. Good point. It's not the noisy stuff I miss as I too do that with pals .its the lack of sharing views Emotions, him asking me things about myself when I ask him that makes me feel sort of lonley. He just seems to work things out in his head by himself . I find it really hard that he seems not intrested. Although I know he cares about me but doesn't seem to express it via words .

Hair I know what you mean yr ds sounds like mine but how how do you keep in touch with a person who is inside self : I do love him but I do struggle to know what I love about him as he reveals so little about himself . In normal daily life for eg . He is massively kind and supportive tho . He will listen to me anytime !

Ps hair ; wd love to read article . I think I will google and do bit reading !

Though he has never been diagnosed, we work on the assumption that he has aspergers. We struggled with communication for a while and we bought a self help book for couples where one has aspergers . We have talked about what each of us needs and how we can meet those, often clashing, needs.
This in itself was hard because he struggles to vocalise his feelings and needs but we got there bit by bit, a few tears along the way.
We work on techniques to make social situations work, like ways for him to leave a situation if he needs it without causing offence to the others there.
We work at it because we are best friends and I love him. He shows me he loves me in his own way, is fiercely loyal and a devoted dad. I miss out on friends and a social life but have a happy little family and that's enough for me.

P p s hair! Re party yes I've had to arrange my own big birthdays were as for him I booked flights and organised small parties . It's hard as sometimes feel not cared about especially when he knows it wd delight me to have same done for me . But , as you said, he does not work that way. I think I may need to try to learn how he does work a bit more! But how not to be sad in my acceptance that he will probably never ever organise a suprise or weekend etc of his own accord? !

I have tried to engage with his interest as I think they say a lot about a person. I failed with the really heavy metal music but have got into graphic novels and some fantasy fiction thanks to him.

Do you go out for meals together and wonder what to talk about? We do! I try to get him to think about his plans and ideals etc and he really struggles to talk about that stuff. I do know when he's upset about something but can take me a while to figure it out. He often doesn't really know what it is troubling him though.

I can't remember where the article was but it said that introverts are much better at writing feelings etc. I have collection of cards from dh which convey so much more than he ever says. We met first online so he charmed me with the written word then.

It may be that they just don't need to express their emotions like we do but find outlets in other ways. DH goes through phases when he really needs to listen to music and gets immersed in that for a while. Maybe that's the same for him as when I have a good rant and a cry...

I wish my DH were more sociable. He says he doesn't like people. All he wants to do is stay at home and maybe go out with me when we get baby sitters. I want to be one of the community we live in. I want to go to the family new years eve party in the village hall, I want to go to the village firework display and mingle etc All this is his idea of hell. I know someone will say to go by myself, but I want to go as a couple and all those "Where's Mr Biscuits" questions will just be as annoying as not going.

Hair ; thanks for reply . My dh sends very eloquent cards too! He can sometimes embarrass me socially as he feels if people are offended that's their responsibility and one of my friends thinks he's a rude and arrogant person . He isn't arrogant just does not need approval of others.

We've been invited to a party at new year by a friend who I met recently so I don't know her group of friends. It's a fair distance from home and I don't really want to go alone. His idea of hell though. If he did come I'd spend the night overcompensating and talking shit...

Mine is the same. The first time he met one of my oldest friends he said nothing. I was mortified at what they thought of him. Said friends now love him to bits. He's not bothered what people think of him one bit. But the friends he does have know him and recognise he is a great bloke. Sadly he had two concert going buddies over the years who both moved away. He goes alone though if he really wants to...

Hair* I used to try to go to parties like you've just said you've been invited to. It always ended up being hard work for me and pure torture for DH so we don't go to them now. Occasionally I'll go alone but only to old, longstanding friends who understand why DH isn't there.

Yes it know what you mean re party . We compromise by he comes for a while then goes home and I'm the last one there. Went to party last night dd came ; dh went to saisnburys and instead of comming in to party chose to sit in the car in the dark with blankets listening to music for one and half hours! Could the two of you do something like go tog for while them he leave and do similar thing while you do party thing then he drive you home ? It worked for us .. Folk get used to seeing him without me at parties ..

We're both introverted, so it's fine as long as we both manage to get enough properly alone time away from each other and the children.

And I also sometimes get very lovely letters too. He sometimes emails me about something he can't talk about too. I appreciate it because I know it means he is trying to communicate and I know it is hard for him.

This is really helpful ! I've not really discussed this on r l much as friends tend to say that's what blokes are like ; it's great to discuss!

I don't know anyone else in RL that has a similar DH, it can be isolating. We're better now he understands that I need a minimum level of social contact and that there are times that I need him to interact with me. Sometimes I have to tell him I need attention, he can't tell for himself when I need a little more TLC though he is happy to meet my need once he is aware of it. Hope that makes sense to you the way I've described it.