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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how your DH acts when he's stressed

67 replies

womblesofwestminster · 21/12/2013 14:40

My DH is a cunt when he's stressed. Be it work, money or whatever, he turns into an argumentative manchild. Constant PMS-style emotional outbursts, picking arguments about insignificant things, defensive, paranoid, sulking, flouncing.

Fortunately, it doesn't happen often. But when it does (like at the moment), I'm walking on eggshells and being around him is a tense experience.

What's your bloke like when he's under stress? Does he bring it home?

OP posts:

whereisshe · 21/12/2013 15:37

DH and I are both very childish when we argue - storming off and sulking. After a bit of sulking we can usually manage a semi-adult reconciliation conversation! If DH is cross about something else (ie not arguing with me) he's just silent and brooding. Easy to ignore ...

MacaYoniandCheese · 21/12/2013 15:38

He goes quiet and does the 'number elevens face'. I find it intensely irritating.

TwllBach · 21/12/2013 15:41

He is unbearable when stressed. Like another poster mentioned, I moderated my own behaviour to compensate, which I eventually realised was ridiculous. We had a big chat about it and he apologised... at one point he looked shocked and said "you sound like an abused wife" and I stayed silent, because it had been pointed out to me by others - the similarities.

He has now modified his behaviour, taken up cycling and generally become a happier person.

If he returned to his previous behaviour, he knows I would leave.

lollilou · 21/12/2013 15:41

What's the number elevens face.?

Original poster

womblesofwestminster · 21/12/2013 15:42

We have some monumental rows and I do find that he can be really arsey

Can you elaborate on the arseyness?

Mummytotwox what did he do when he realised he'd been locked out? Mine would have hit the roof and caused a scene.

looks for things to poke at me about, rather than address the actual cause of the stress

This x 1000000. Why do they do it?? What do they get out of it?? Any theories ladies?

What's the best way to tackle these men when they're in manchild mode? My approach (i.e. give as good as I get) just escalates things further. Would being cool, calm and collected be a better approach? Maybe it would make him see that he can't get a raise out of me, and then he would feel guilty. It would also be good role modelling in front of the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

womblesofwestminster · 21/12/2013 15:43

does the 'number elevens face'.

ooooh, what's that?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 21/12/2013 15:45

You really was to know what a stressed man looks like?

I'll just go get my phone and send you a video shall I?

Don't get too excited though, because it will be very boring - grumpy face, uncommunicative and a few episodes of general tetchiness thrown in for good measure. In his defence he does have good reasons for the stress, so I'm not being too hard on him just yet.

ExcuseTypos · 21/12/2013 15:48

My DH used to be a prick when stressed. It's how his family are, so he grew up thinking it was ok.

I eventually got fed up with walking on eggshells whenever he was in this kind of mood and he realised he had to do something.
He went to see a therapist and talked about a lot of childhood things. He now reacts in a very different way to stress.

They can change if they want to.

Mummytotwox · 21/12/2013 15:51

That's what's up with dh. His dad was a complete arsehole growing up, and still is!

He just kept knocking on the window, when I answered the door he was tying not to smile.

MacaYoniandCheese · 21/12/2013 15:55

'Number Elevens Face' is when you scowl or frown and get those two little vertical lines between your brows. Like so:

                   l  l

He doesn't realize he's doing it.

SashaOfSiberia · 21/12/2013 15:57

I did elaborate further on in the sentence.

JinglingRexManningDay · 21/12/2013 15:57

I wouldn't be walking on eggshells in my own house,I also wouldn't put up with someone taking their stress out on me,I'm no ones emotional punch bag anymore.

If we are stressed we say that we are stressed and need some time alone.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 21/12/2013 16:03

My theory is that they're feeling impotent about whatever is stressing them, so they feel the need to "exert some kind of authority" over someone/something they can have some control over (I'm not talking about abusive levels of control here, btw) and then feel like they're "achieving" something.

Kind of like when they're feeling guilty about treating someone badly/doing something wrong, they'll turn it around and make it the other person's fault so they don't have to accept the guilty feeling.

My DH is an absolute classic for this - any time I take him to task over something that's annoying the hell out of me, he'll turn it around with teen-style responses along the lines of "well you do it too", "you did it first", "you're not exactly perfect yourself" instead of just manning up and taking responsibility for the problem he's created in the first place!

I do point it out. It makes little difference and it is a problem. :(

Original poster

womblesofwestminster · 21/12/2013 16:42

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Are you a therapist? You seem to understand projection down to a tee.

I love this thread. It's great reading that you guys put up with exactly the same shit as me.

So, what's the best way to tackle this behaviour?

OP posts:

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 16:47

Greasy hair, sallow looking, crabby about spilt milk and other unimportant things, lacking in humour, quiet, slow to talk about stress, less patient with the kids,

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 16:49

Your DH needs to go for a walk or run to make him feel better

SirChenjin · 21/12/2013 16:50

He's snappy, shouty and belligerent - but he will snap out of it fairly quickly. I don't modify my behaviour - I just tell him to stop being so rude. It's always down to his work - his rude clients, stupid colleagues (to be fair, there are a couple who are just ), his idiot boss...he'd actually be better going out on his own, but he's a terrible worrier and he would be terrified at not having a pay cheque at the end of the month. I wish he would either put up or shut up - or find another bloody job, but oh no, that's far too sensible.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 21/12/2013 16:53

If he's got a problem, he goes quiet and normally goes to the pub and gets pissed. He won't talk about what's bothering him although he's fine with me and the kids I can tell something is on his mind and then a few days or a week or more later, he'll tell me all about it, including what solutions he's come up with.

It bugs the life out of me. Maybe I would have some suggestions! It's like he thinks I am either incapable of thinking or am too delicate to cope with problems

He says he "needs to understand a situation before he can talk about it"

nomorecrumbs · 21/12/2013 16:55

He goes GRRR, flaps his hands about and stomps a bit. it's quite funny

Only once in 3 years has he had a full-on temper tantrum, roared, slammed the door and walked out, before coming back 30 seconds later when he realised he was locked out

Usually these tantrums are borne out of frustration and feelings of inadequacy.

bakingaddict · 21/12/2013 17:02

The only thing he gets stressed about is work pressures and I know when this happens because his insomnia gets bad.

It's not in his nature to shout, scream, lose his temper or be an arse so on that score life remains pretty much normal. When he is stressed I try to cut him some slack so will do things like the washing up which is normally his job although he would probably prefer more sex!

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 17:18

OP asked What would time out involve, and for how long?

Depends really, one of us just suggests the other takes the rubbish out or goes for a bath or goes to sit on the bottom step (you know, depending on the age of whoever is taking their mood out on everyone else).

I think what I've described there is when one of us is in a foul mood. If it's stress we tend to get quiet/weepy and are getting quite good at talking about what help we need before the stress kicks in.

lljkk · 21/12/2013 17:54

Turns into a control freak about stupid things, very irrational.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 22/12/2013 11:49

Wombles, yes I am although possibly not the type you're thinking of.

Solution? No idea. Being straight with mine just doesn't work - he lives in a sublime self-belief bubble that doesn't allow for my negative feedback at all - I haven't managed to find anything that penetrates this!

MadameLeBean · 22/12/2013 12:30

Hmmm mine slams doors and occasionally throws stuff which can be scary but has agreed to get therapy for anger management.
It escalates if I try to reason with him so now I just leave the room but don't like doing it as feels like I'm condoning the behaviour or adapting my own behaviour

trashcanjunkie · 22/12/2013 12:50

I feel so sad for you ladies! I'm very very lucky I think. When dp is stressed he never ever takes it out on me or my kids. He does do odd things, like listing stuff repeatedly - what he's doing/where he's going etc, and he CANNOT SIT STILL. Twitchy footed bastard! He also tells me that he loves me a lot more if he's stressed.

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