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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re DP giving gift to undeserving colleagues

31 replies

affenberg · 20/12/2013 23:31

DP works in high pressure environment and has consistently received above average grades in performance reviews for the last few years.

However this year the feedback from their team has been less than favourable which had led to a reduced grade and bonus.

I don't know any of their team personally, but over the last few months my DP has been telling me about a troublemaker in the team that has been causing issues within the team. I suspect that this person may have been turning the team against my DP, although I have no evidence of this. However the fact is that many of them have provided negative feedback to DP's boss.

I have told DP they are playing up, but DP has a history of downplaying things and naively seeing only good in people.

DP wants to buy a gift for the team e.g. Box of chocs. I think that DP should not buy them anything, as they are being disloyal. Even if DP has failed somehow (and I doubt it as v. Hardworking and conciencious) they don't deserve a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 20/12/2013 23:33

If he normally gives them gifts, to not do so this year may cause further resentment amongst the team.

HarrietSchulenberg · 20/12/2013 23:33

Just get them a very small, inexpensive, identical gift each. Spirit of Christmas observed but rewarding gestures avoided.

Ruffcat · 20/12/2013 23:34

I think that your dp should be able to thank his staff how he feel appropriate. Sometimes a small thankyou goes a long way

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 23:35

Well you both sound delightful.

Original poster
affenberg · 20/12/2013 23:40

Maybe you're right that a small gift would show the spirit
Seasicksal: not sure why you think we both "sound delightful". My DP is lovely (everyone agrees that knows) and unfortunately they work with a bunch of sharks. Just want to avoid us being taken for mugs.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 20/12/2013 23:41

So your DP has done nothing to deserve any bad feedback at all? really?

If so, and he is the perfect boss, then being petty and vindictive will simply reinforce the troublemaker's point.

Original poster
affenberg · 20/12/2013 23:45

Not saying DP is perfect boss. Just saying that team have provided negative feedback which seems to go against the grain. DP has no bad bone in body. I think they are undeserving of gift, not him.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 20/12/2013 23:51

Just because he's a nice guy, doesn't mean he's great to work for. Why do you think someone is stirring? What would they gain - are they after his job, do you think?

PeriodFeatures · 20/12/2013 23:52

Well you both sound delightful

Tis the season to be jolly.....unless of course you are a miserable scroogy git.

BeCool · 20/12/2013 23:55

Is your DP your boss?

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 23:56

If his entire team are giving him negative feedback then he might like to think about treating them nicely all year round rather than just buying them a box of choclates at Christmas.

If he's been getting negative feedback then not 'everyone' agrees he is lovely.

If he's been getting negative feedback he needs to think about how to work getting on better with his team and improverelationships, not getting into petty vindictive spats like this. The fact that both of you have responded to this negative feedback by presuming he has done nothing wrong and blaming it on his team speaks volumes.

It's very unconstructive and a very immature response.

BeCool · 20/12/2013 23:56

A box of chocs at this time of year is pretty small fry as far as gifts go. I would stay out of it.

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 23:57

Like the OP and her husband PeriodFeatures?

Original poster
affenberg · 20/12/2013 23:58

Patricia. They may well be after DPs job.

The point is , I would only buy my team a gift if they had supported me over the last year. Why would I get a gift for people who were not supportive ? To me it looks weak to do that. Maybe I am just a miserable old git indeed

OP posts:
PeriodFeatures · 20/12/2013 23:59

I don't know what is going on with the world. Someone begrudging their DH buying box of chocolates for colleagues and someone on another spread berating a women in Aldi for spreading germs after she was sick.

Mean-spirited.

It's fucking Christmas for god sake.

PeriodFeatures · 21/12/2013 00:00

Yes seasicksal I imagine a cats-bum mouth.

Original poster
affenberg · 21/12/2013 00:02

Ha Period you made me laugh. Ok maybe IABU. Happy Xmas you old witches !

OP posts:
PeriodFeatures · 21/12/2013 00:03

sorry OP. Cross post. Yes you are being a bit miserable. Withdrawing being pleasant and generous doesn't make anyone any nicer, it tends to make them worse.

Perhaps it's a bit of an opportunity to move a bit of negativity at work on. Not add more negativity to the situation if that makes sense.

SeaSickSal · 21/12/2013 00:03

If I was the OPs husband I would start by give a card to the team and maybe bring in a packet of biscuits.

Then in the new year I would be trying to think constructively about ways to improve my relationship with my team.

If you get criticized like this when you're a manager you really have to respond positively and try to find ways to improve the situation rather than crying 'poor me'.

PeriodFeatures · 21/12/2013 00:04

Happy xmas too affen

EBearhug · 21/12/2013 00:12

If he usually gives a gift, then it would not be a good thing not to bother this year.

Just because your DP doesn't have a bad bone in his body, that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't do anything negative - my manager doesn't have a bad bone in his body either, but in some ways, that makes him weak, and he gives in to some things/people too easily IMO. If he was less nice to everyone, in some ways, he'd be a better manager.

TheFuzz · 21/12/2013 00:34

A Christmas gift won't fix poor feedback.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 21/12/2013 11:27

Some of the nicest people make the crappest bosses

he should give the small gifts as usual. Otherwise it looks like childish tit-for-tat.

AnUnearthlyChild · 21/12/2013 11:36

I have had bosses without a bad bone in em. Really, really nice people.

Trouble is they don't always make good managers. And the niceness can cause ishoos in itself.

BillyBanter · 21/12/2013 11:44

Whether it is one person stirring and manipulating the others to criticise a bad boss and the others being sheep or genuinely felt fair criticism then responding by not getting them some sort of gift when he normally would will most likely just increase any bad feeling. It certainly won't help his standing with them. It will make him look petty.

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