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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people that say, let me know if you need anything. are not actually offering any real help at all

64 replies

Anyfuckerisnotguilty · 20/12/2013 22:33

That saying really gets on my nerves

people say it to make themselves feel good and helpful

wben really its just an empty offer

if your going to offer help. Make it a real offer

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 23:15

YABU

Most people who say it, mean it ime.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 20/12/2013 23:15

I say it.
I mean it , but I also know there are things that I could offer that may be no help at all.
I say things like do you want e to do school pick up? can I make you some dinner?
do you need some washing doing/
or I can say - please le me know if there is anything I can do

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/12/2013 23:16

I mean it when I say it and have in the past picked up the phone to friends who have offered and they've been around to help asap.

gordyslovesheep · 20/12/2013 23:16

yabu I say it - I mean it and I have followed it through

wannabedomesticgoddess · 20/12/2013 23:18

I say this and mean it, but am never taken up on it. My one very close friend has had a rough year and I tell her this all the time but she never takes me up on it. I think that she thinks because I have 2 kids I am super busy, but I am not really.

Similarly, when I was having a shit year I didn't ask anyone for help, even though I knew they would, I felt embarrassed and ashamed and I didn't want pity.

I do wish she would ask me for help though, I want to be there but not sure how.

HyvaPaiva · 20/12/2013 23:20

I say it and only when I literally mean it: if you need anything. I say it unconditionally to those closest to me, the people for whom I'll do anything. I don't specify or put limits on it. What they need, I'll do. YABU to assume that a lack of specification means it's empty. Actually, it's full of promise.

Damnautocorrect · 20/12/2013 23:20

I say it and mean it.

--now I'm going to think people think

PacificDingbat · 20/12/2013 23:20

YABU - if you don't mean it, don't say it Xmas Wink

I think people, myself included, say it when they would like to help but don't know how to. I am delighted if that vague offer is followed by the other person saying what it is I can do for them and I'll gladly do it.

Better than uninvited 'help' IMO...

Damnautocorrect · 20/12/2013 23:21

Woops
now I'm going to think people think I'm being shit

cory · 20/12/2013 23:21

When I have said it it has been meant (and taken) as an invitation to suggest something really helpful. On one occasion I ended up cooking for a struggling family once a week, on another occasion doing regular baby-sitting. Both things that I was happy to do and which were genuinely useful.

When I am going through rough times myself I would hate it if somebody just decided what would be useful for me, particularly if it involved intruding into my home and trying to take over there.

Wolfiefan · 20/12/2013 23:23

I have said it. I would use it when I have a real desire to offer help/support but zero wish to stick my nose in where it wasn't wanted. (Come to mine for dinner, let's do a play date can = let me push into your life in a way you are not comfortable with.) I will offer specific help (lift to hospital) if appropriate.
I'm sure some people just say it to be polite. I'm not like that!

LynetteScavo · 20/12/2013 23:24

I held back from saying it this week. I did say to their child in front "When ever you want to come round to play for the day you are very welcome. Just phone us."

Sometimes people just don't know what to do to help. Letting someone know they can ask for help is basically saying "I'm your friend. I'm thinking of you, and I will be here for you, if you turn to me for help."

Backtobedlam · 20/12/2013 23:24

I often say this but only ever if I genuinely mean it. I've offered this kind of help to friends with newborns as everyone is different...some people would rather spend time with baby and have someone else do ironing/cleaning/cooking where as another friend asked me to take baby out for a walk so she could shower in peace. We're not all mind readers to know the type of help others want and I'm always wary of offending.

SinisterSal · 20/12/2013 23:28

Yeah but what else can you say? You can't tell them what you are prepared to do. they have to tell you what they need.

It can sound fake, sure. But so can hello how are you.

Minshu · 20/12/2013 23:28

How would this sentiment be better phrased, OP? When I say this, I mean this, but don't actually know what to say or do Hmm

sixpencesings · 20/12/2013 23:29

OP have you ever tried to take anyone up on such an offer?

Like so many have already posted, I say it and I mean it. I have had others who have said it to me too and have taken them up on their offer when it really is a help even though I've worried about being a nusiance.

So OP if you haven't tried taking them up on the offer - give it a go.

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 23:47

I say it and I mean it too. I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it. I will try and help without being asked if poss too. For example if someone is bereaved I will try and take them a casserole or lasagne or something to heat up so they have something good to eat.

Morloth · 21/12/2013 00:02

Um no.

I say this, mean it and follow through when asked.

Not an empty offer.

Truffkin · 21/12/2013 00:03

I think YABU to suggest it is not saiid with genuine intention, but agree with other posters that it is often not taken up by the person to whom the offer is made. I would imagine that this is because that person is experiencing some sort of trauma / hard time / stress / bereavement etc otherwise why would you be offering?

I also think that just foisting your own view of 'helpful' onto a person is not actually helpful at all, as you have no way of knowing whether they will appreciate it or whether you will just make the situation worse!

I find that asking a more direct question can avoid this, so I try to remember to ask 'what can I do to help?' So an answer is required. I also try to back up that I mean it, as I have also been guilty of not accepting help offered in the past when I could probably have benefitted from it?

BadRoly · 21/12/2013 00:08

I do say it and mean it but now follow up with suggestions, so "just say if there's anything I can do to help - school runs, shopping trip, taking the kids to the park or just turning up with gin..."

BackforGood · 21/12/2013 00:24

YABU - I say it, and mean it, and have been taken up on it. I have also taken others up on it when I've needed the help they have offered. It's said when people don't know specifically what help you might need, but are willing to do what they can and want you to know they would want you to ask them if there is something you can think of that they could do.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry · 21/12/2013 00:25

People are saying this to me a lot at the moment (new baby) and they might as well hold their breath. I am as incapable of judging how reasonable a request is as they feel they are of making suggestions. I daren't ask in case I've overstepped.

The offers I have taken up in late pgy and since DC3 arrived were the very specific "which day can we have DC1 to play after school so you don't have to do the school run?" type. The extent of the favour is very clearly defined so I feel I'm entitled to ask for/expect that much help.

Actually I've realised that the friend who I've leaned on most, the one who always makes very specific offers, is the one who relies on others' help to a degree (has a DC with multiple additional needs and hospital appointments, etc). She doesn't keep a tally of favours given/taken, but she does know what help is helpful. Not having to be in eight places at once is very helpful!

TheArticFunky · 21/12/2013 00:26

YANBU.

My Mil says this all the time but if you say "thanks I could do with help with X" excuses are quickly made.

TheRaniOfYawn · 21/12/2013 06:24

I say it and mean it and am always a bit sad ioffer isn't taken up. I like the suggestion of asking "what can I do to help" instead, so I might try that.

I do super of see why it might look as though people might be insincere. If I am very close to someone I will probably know what actually be helpful, so it does tend to be a par I use with people who I would like to help but don't know quote well enough to go barging into their lives uninvited so I suppose they ate likely to feel more awkward about actually asking me for help.

PlainBrownEnvelope · 21/12/2013 06:25

I find it easier if people specify what they're prepared to do such as taking ds down to the school bus when I broke my foot. However, sometimes it's not clear what the other person needs and if I say it, I do mean it, within reason of course.

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