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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy my Stepson a Christmas present

57 replies

Wilberforce2 · 20/12/2013 11:01

SS is 16 lives with us and we get on really well but last night he had a major strop and is now refusing to talk to me! We were all having dinner and were talking about Christmas presents when SS asked what I was getting him, told him he had already had his presents from us which was £300 earlier in the year towards a football season ticket and then £150 cash last week to buy clothes with (these were both things he had requested for his presents because he doesn't actually need or want anything else). Well this did not go down too well and he said that those were presents from his Dad, he has bought me a Christmas present so is therefore expecting something in return! As far as I am concerned me and his Dad are a couple and the £450 he has had was from both of us, he then started on about how our 5 year old has more presents from us which yes he does but they certainly haven't amounted to £450 in fact not even half of that! He is 5 he wants board games and ninja turtles not money for clothes!

It ended with him storming off saying that he can't believe how out of order I am not buying him anything and he is now not going to give me my present! DH in complete agreement with me and told me to ignore him but he has really made me feel a bit shit like I should have bought him a present from me but then when I think about it that just feels weird! Me and DH wouldn't get our ds separate presents so why would it be different for dss?

So AIBU? Should I go and get him something or just leave him to have his teenage strop?!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 20/12/2013 11:36

1000 each for adults???? Am clearly living in a different world here!

Salmotrutta · 20/12/2013 11:36

Sometimes teenagers are looking for reasons to vent feelings.

Those feelings could be completely unrelated to Christmas presents and could be down to raging hormones etc. or maybe something else is going on? E.g girlfriend?

Sometimes even looking at my two "the wrong way" was enough to start a sulk when they were teens

Or, he could just actually be stropping about the present

What I'm trying to say (badly) is that teens sometimes don't even know why they are stropping

BeckAndCall · 20/12/2013 11:38

I can't understand why you gave him a Christmas present in August? He's already half used it up, as the season is half way through.

Can't you just get him something to open on the day?

Punishing him for the strop by not getting him anything is mean, IMHO, give him another, non Christmas Day type punishment by all means, but why leave everyone with that memory fo Christmas Day?

Fudgeface123 · 20/12/2013 11:38

Don't get me started Squeaky...it's ridiculous what he spends on them. They are very demanding and he's very indulgent...bad mix!

bonkersLFDT20 · 20/12/2013 11:39

I think you handled the whole year wrong!
If him having his season ticket and clothes in advance meant he would not even get stocking gifts to unwrap on the day, you should have made that perfectly clear, or refused to give him all the money for clothes, explaining that you wanted to keep some back to get him gifts for the day.

He probably didn't realise having those things in advance meant nothing on the day. Unless he's an inherently greedy boy he probably just thought his luck was in!

Having said that, how rude of him to ask what you were getting him!

Rudeness aside, do you feel bad that he won't have anything on the day? If so then I think you should all sit down when you're calm and explain that even though he's had his gifts, because it wasn't clear what the implications for Xmas were you will get him some small token gifts. And YOU will choose them.

It should also be made clear to the 5yo that his older bro has had his gifts, so that he doesn't start gloating!

I have a 4 and 14 yo and even though we spend roughly the same of course the little one gets larger boxes and I think even burly teens can feel a little green, even though they had their time.

They might be all big and Lynx'ed out but they're still pretty young at 15.

OddFodd · 20/12/2013 11:43

at a 21 year old behaving like a toddler! I'd be tempted to cancel the ski trip

OP - stick to your guns but I would get him something small to open on the day - perhaps some washing powder to wash his new clothes in?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/12/2013 11:45

Both ds2 and ds3 had gym membership as their christmas presents - and that meant getting their gifts early, which they understand. However, I have bought them something to unwrap too, as I want them to have something under the tree from dh and I.

That's what I would have done in your situation, OP - but after the almighty strop he has thrown, I don't think I would go out and buy something now.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/12/2013 11:46

BTW - bonkers - I love your description of 15-year-old boys as "...all big and Lynx'ed out..." - that is a perfect description of teenage boys!

Original poster

Wilberforce2 · 20/12/2013 11:46

Bonkers he fully understood that the season ticket money was his Christmas present because he came to us and said "instead of presents for Christmas this year can I have money now for a season ticket because is getting one and we can go together". DH then felt bad last week because that money was given to him so long ago so asked him if there was anything little he wanted for Christmas and that's when he said "I don't really want anything can I just have some money for clothes this weekend because then I can go shopping with *". Dh gave him £150 and told him that was his lot now and he was fine with that.

As I said in my other post he isn't here Christmas day because he goes to his Mum's on Christmas Eve, we won't see him until Boxing Day when we go to sil's house and he will have presents there from family. I wouldn't let him sit here Christmas morning without anything to open as that would be mean, my 5 year old knows that dss has had his presents from us and he thinks Father Christmas is taking his other presents to his Mum's house.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 20/12/2013 11:53

A major question is whether he actually needed new clothes.

If the clothes were expensive fashion clothes that he doesn't actually need then it's fine to make that his Christmas present, although I wouldn't be mean enough to not get him something little to open as well.

If he actually needed the clothes, then I feel sorry for him. Clothes are a parents responsibility to provide while they are still in education, they aren't a Christmas gift.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 20/12/2013 11:55

YANBU Ignore the tantrum much as you would with a toddler one.

Original poster

Wilberforce2 · 20/12/2013 11:56

No he didn't need clothes, he has made friends with a group of older boys in 6th Form and was going to a party with them so went and bought jeans, shirt and shoes all of which he has upstairs but they weren't cool enough apparently!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wilberforce2 · 20/12/2013 11:57

He does have a present to open which my ds chose for him and he also has chocolate and an I Tunes voucher under the tree from my Dad (he knows there is a present but not what it is).

OP posts:

bonkersLFDT20 · 20/12/2013 12:00

Ah well, he sounds like a brat then!

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 20/12/2013 12:01

I think you are right not to give in to the strop.

DDis 17 and this year has asked for a couple of dresses for pre Christmas social outings, which I've bought, paid for and she has already worn one of them.

I'll still be doing a stocking for Christmas morning - but the difference to your SS is that she won't expect it, will be very grateful, and wouldn't dream of stropping about not getting anything ahead of time (not being smug here - she'll make a liar out of me at some stage I bet!)

If she stropped, everything would be going back to the shop.

I would explain to him that you would have been putting together a £5 stocking for him IF he had been well behaved, but that due to his atrocious tantrum he's getting nothing now. And I'd remind him (loudly, and several times) that he has already had £450 worth of presents, from both of you, and that as your 5 yr old has only had X worth of toys, it would be much fairer if he returned some of his clothes to you, so that you can ensure the presents are of the same value. (bet he shuts up quickly if he realises his argument about amounts of presents is going to backfire!)

sapfu · 20/12/2013 12:03

Good lord what a brat he's being!

When he next allows you to speak to him, tell him that you and his dad have had a think and under no circs will he again get Christmas presents at any other time than Christmas day. And be bloody grateful for it. So when next year he brings up the season ticket, you can remind him of the Great Christmas Huff of '13, and that he can kindly sod off.

Original poster

Wilberforce2 · 20/12/2013 12:12

I love the "Great Christmas Huff of '13" and it will forever be known as that from now on!

DH has already said he won't be getting advance presents from now on and is going to tell him tonight that he best get a job and start saving for his next season ticket!

He just came in from 6th Form ignored me and went straight up the stairs!

OP posts:

hoppingmad · 20/12/2013 12:15

Don't give in. He's had £450 spent on him and he is bound to get plenty at his mum's. he is being incredibly spoilt.

If he asks for early presents next year then just say no - tell him that you don't want a repeat of last years tantrums so he will have to wait for Christmas

I don't know whether to be shocked or impressed by his brass neck though!

hoppingmad · 20/12/2013 12:16

X post, sorry

Breadkneadslove · 20/12/2013 12:18

Sounds like a typical teenage strop and I wouldn't stress about. I think the idea of a couple of stocking filler gifts would be good so that when you have your family Christmas time he he has a little something to open.

It may also be his way of checking out your feelings towards him, he has bought you a present and in doing so is expressing that you mean something to him and maybe it would be good to separate yourself from being a couple / dad's wife to being Wilber who has her own loving caring relationship with he Dss. Does this make sense? Hope so...

Maybe a cd of music that you know he likes, so you can say I specifically chose this for you because.... I would keep the cost low so that he understands the value of the gifts he has already had and as a cheeky wee aside I would buy him a baby's dummy, from you, with a gift tag that says 'for the next time you have a strop!' Followed by a big hug...

ENormaSnob · 20/12/2013 12:19

What a brat.

Breadkneadslove · 20/12/2013 12:19

Should read 'her' DSS

hoppingmad · 20/12/2013 12:27

But why should he expect a separate present from the op? I don't know any couples who buy separate gifts for one person. At Christmas I receive a gift from my df and dsm but I buy them one each which is from all the family. That's normal surely?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 20/12/2013 12:53

He doesn't expect a separate present from OP because she's his SM and she means oh so much to him.

Separate present = extra present for him.

That's why he cracked it. I'm both disgusted and admiring his intelligence greed wise.

HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2013 13:12

YANBU

Outrageous behaviour. Of course the presents from you are joint gifts.

Your DH needs to tell him he's out of order

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