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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give a gift to someone I am no longer friends with?

95 replies

WeAreEternal · 19/12/2013 20:45

I have cut contact with a friend after what I consider to be some unforgivable behaviour. I have no interest in ever being friends again.

We have mutual friends and I have actually gone as far as to stop attending our weekly coffee meet ups just to avoid the ex friend, so as a result I'm not really seeing my other friends now either.

I bought them all gifts quite a while ago, they all know about them as we were together when u bought them.
I have made arrangements to meet the mutual friends after school tomorrow to exchange gifts.

I was chatting with one of the mutual friends earlier and she said that she is happy to "pass on [exfriends] gift if you are still ignoring her"
I told her that I'm not giving ex friend a gift, and she said, "but you bought it for her, she knows you bought it, you are just being silly not to give it to her"
I explained that I genuinely have no interest in reconciling the friendship so I have no intention of giving a gift that cost £40 to someone I don't like.
But she didn't understand and just thought I was being petty and unreasonable.

So MN AIBU?

OP posts:
Avienus · 20/12/2013 06:49

You said that all the friends including ex-friend were there when you bought presents....Was the gift part of a reciprocal arrangement? In that you all had an agreement that you would each spend £40 - £10 per present for 4 people - and then exchange gifts, so that you all gave £40 worth of presents and received in return £40 of presents?

In which case is it that your ex-friend feels that the deal should still stand as she has shelled out forty quid but will only get £30 worth of presents back?

BohemianGirl · 20/12/2013 06:54

Well thats not true is it because both the OP and her ex friend will not be swapping a present but retaining them so they sill have the same value of gifts.

Whole thing is bizarre

AmandaCooper · 20/12/2013 06:56

I was wondering about the gift - if it's something unique that could only be purchased at the time which the friend would have paid for herself had you not bought it for her as a gift, then maybe it is unreasonable not to give it to her now - particularly if there was some reciprocal arrangement. Otherwise you don't seem to be being unreasonable.

AmandaCooper · 20/12/2013 06:59

Bohemian I suppose it could be something that only has value to the recipient like a caricature drawing of each of them.

daisychain01 · 20/12/2013 07:05

I think any calculation about the value of gifts is missing the point and creating complexity.

eternal you have done exactly the right thing, distance yourself from this Coven of Witches, leave them to it, and find friends who deserve you

Another vote for not giving Jack Shit plus a bonus turd in a (Christmas) gift bag.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 20/12/2013 07:10

You've made the right decision and stick with it, also drop those other women like a lead balloon if they side with her.

Keep the gift.

MrsLouisTheroux · 20/12/2013 07:10

I can't believe I had to scroll so far down before someone mentioned £40!! Bohemian I don't spend £40 on individual family members let alone school gate Mums!

FirConesAtXmas · 20/12/2013 07:13

It seems an odd reaction of your friends to say they don't want to be part of it / take sides given that your ex-friend has been telling very malicious lies about your DS. In that situation I would have expected they would side with you, instead they've basically told you to stop being silly.

If you are no longer friends, then don't give the present. But I would also look hard at what was said, and why your other friends are siding with her.

bleedingheart · 20/12/2013 07:15

They want you to STFU so they can pretend it hasn't happened but unlike your friends, you have integrity!

Either they think what ex-friend has said is true but haven't the guts to out and out agree with her or they've got no concept of loyalty and I pity their children when it becomes their turn (which it will!).

I think people don't realise how malicious others can be so assume she must be acting out of concern or truth. Sadly, she seems to be a Queen Bee type who isn't used to being challenged.

I can't believe your uninvolved work colleagues say give it to her -unless it is a caricature that shows her with a massive nose with a wart on the end!

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 20/12/2013 11:10

To answer some points.

There aren't school gate mum friend, they were genuine friends, three of whom happen to have DCs at DS's school, we all met up as a group for coffee twice a week and drinks one weekend a month.

I bought the gifts for all of the friends when we all went to London for a weekend a couple of months ago, there was no gift exchanging arrangement, I just bought my friends gifts that they said they liked, I also bought a lot of other gifts that weekend, I'm organised, I like to get my Christmas shopping done early.

The exfriend is very much the queen bee of the group, she is a outwardly very charming person, she seems quite lovely initially but she is really quite a manipulative person. She is one of those people that thinks she knows everything, is the best at anything she does and everyone should follow her example because she is practically perfect in every way.
I'm not the first friend she has turned on, but I am the first person who has stood up to her and refused to accept her behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeAreEternal · 20/12/2013 11:12

Oh and I did not elaborate with why we have fallen out to the colleagues, I simply asked exactly what I put in my OP, and they said yes I should give it to her because I bought it for her and she will be expecting to receive it.

OP posts:
HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 20/12/2013 11:15

Bloody hell. I don't blame you.

Sounds like your other 'friends' actually don't care all that much and would prefer you to go back to business as usual so that it's easier for them.

Why the hell should you give this woman a gift after her revolting behaviour towards your child?! Your other friends are off their rockers.

If you go back to being friends, you are basically saying that her treatment of your child is ok with you. Is that what your other 'friends' want? You to accept your child being shat upon so that their coffee and chats are more fun? Hmm I question whether they are indeed friends to you, frankly.

I'm not talking to you because you treat my child with contempt. Here, have a pressie.

Hmm
lougle · 20/12/2013 11:15

I don't think you should be giving the gift. She can expect to receive it and she may well do, but she should have behaved better if she wanted to keep your friendship.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 20/12/2013 11:17

Who gives a shit what she's expecting?

you were expecting that a friend of yours, an adult, would not bully your child and treat him with contempt.

How'd that work out for you?

Your friends and colleague are nuts. It's all about making it easier for the adults. Bugger the treatment of the child, let's make sure we can go happily to bloody starbucks together.

Farrowandbawlbauls · 20/12/2013 11:19

You are not being unreasonable and your friends really don't sound like friends.

I think it's time to move and make new friends you can trust and who will stick up for you and your kids.

TheNumberfaker · 20/12/2013 11:23

Do not give her anything.

If it was for a child who had been a bit naughty, then yes give the present. But she sounds like a devious bitch.

YouTheCat · 20/12/2013 11:26

I wouldn't be giving that bunch of sheep any gifts at all.

Eternal, do you think this woman might have had a hand in school believing your ds was on holiday when he was off sick?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/12/2013 12:22

I'd mug the lot of them off, being a shit to a child is not on and would they be so forgiving if it was there children, i dont think so.

Chippednailvarnish · 20/12/2013 13:29

You should do a Sharon Osborne, get your DS to shit in a Tiffany's box and give that to her.

But then I'm evil Grin

stubbs0412 · 20/12/2013 13:49

I would give her the gift but drop it first and hope it breaks!
No seriously I think your other friends are urging you to give the gift in hope it will reconcile things between you all. That way you don't need to avoid anyone at coffee meet ups. If you really do not want her in your life .....
ever, then giving a gift is not necessary.

NatashaBee · 20/12/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelaDaviesHair · 20/12/2013 13:54

She's a nutter and the rest are cowards. Retreat to a safe distance, leave them all to it, protect your DS. And no, you absolutely don't have to give her a present, and I wouldn't.

sixpencesings · 20/12/2013 14:02

Ditto what AngelaDaviesHair said and let that be an end to the matter for your own sake. Sorry but I also agree with NatashaBee and if you do not want to keep it for the memories it has connected to it I would donate it as a prize or something similar to the school's next summer fair/fete!

2rebecca · 20/12/2013 14:31

They all sound a bit nuts, but £40 seems alot to spend on a friend you like to me let alone one you don't like and aren't speaking to. Not sure why the other friends think who you choose to give presents to is any of their business.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 20/12/2013 14:38

Even without knowing the back story I would have said YANBU - can't understand your colleagues' attitude at all! Why on earth would you give someone you no longer want anything to do with a gift? Just bizarre! Xmas Confused

Having now seen what your ex-friend did, YA ABSOLUTELY NBU and I'd be considering dumping the rest of them as well - send ALL the gifts back and get vouchers for yourself, or something! "Don't want to get involved in your fight" - well I hope that they don't have their own turn at being picked on by the Queen Bee.

I am so sorry for your DS - what kind of hideous idiot conducts a smear campaign against a child? Just utterly foul. :(

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