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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give a gift to someone I am no longer friends with?

95 replies

WeAreEternal · 19/12/2013 20:45

I have cut contact with a friend after what I consider to be some unforgivable behaviour. I have no interest in ever being friends again.

We have mutual friends and I have actually gone as far as to stop attending our weekly coffee meet ups just to avoid the ex friend, so as a result I'm not really seeing my other friends now either.

I bought them all gifts quite a while ago, they all know about them as we were together when u bought them.
I have made arrangements to meet the mutual friends after school tomorrow to exchange gifts.

I was chatting with one of the mutual friends earlier and she said that she is happy to "pass on [exfriends] gift if you are still ignoring her"
I told her that I'm not giving ex friend a gift, and she said, "but you bought it for her, she knows you bought it, you are just being silly not to give it to her"
I explained that I genuinely have no interest in reconciling the friendship so I have no intention of giving a gift that cost £40 to someone I don't like.
But she didn't understand and just thought I was being petty and unreasonable.

So MN AIBU?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 19/12/2013 22:43

I dont know if you are bu or not until you have told us what she did.....

flumperoo · 19/12/2013 22:44

I'm just wondering, could it be that your friends think you are being silly for falling out with this one particular friend, as in they don't agree with you?
That could explain their thinking.

ToysRLuv · 19/12/2013 22:47

I'm only a little bit confused about what to do, as ex-friend's reception-age DD is my goddaughter. She does, however, have other godparents, as well, so does not depend on me (or even know me that well for various reasons). If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have even sent a card, so YANBU OP.

lougle · 19/12/2013 22:51

It is indeed impossible to say whether YABU, as we don't know whether you WBU to to break off the friendship.

Perhaps if you told us a brief summary of that, we could decide if YABU to withhold the gift.

juneybean · 19/12/2013 22:54

ooo I was in this situation, I've managed to re-distribute the presents to people I actually I want to be friends with.

RenterNomad · 19/12/2013 23:12

I agree with DorothyBastard; the other person wants to snaffle it!

No way should you give that gift, to either of them!

BadgersNadgers · 19/12/2013 23:15

What did she do?

Xmasbaby11 · 19/12/2013 23:15

No reason to give the gift. Don't do it.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 19/12/2013 23:49

It's long story but basically she had some kind of a grudge against my DS, who is 7.
For some reason she decided that she didn't like him and did some very strange and nasty things, including making up malicious stories about my DS.

All of the stories she told made my DS look like a horrible, delinquent bully, which he is not.
She twisted things that happened to make my DS look like he had been behaving horribly, such as the time when her DD fell off her scooter and almost landed in the road, she told people that my DS pushed her DD off her scooter and into the road on purpose and that she was sure he was intending for her to get hit by a car, DS hadn't even been near her at the time.

I had no idea she was doing this until I got a call from another mum at school who told me what exfriend had been saying.

When I confronted her she said that she had been meaning to talk to me about DS's behaviour for a while, but knew that it would upset me so had been putting it off.
She genuinely believes DS is a horrible boy.

The other friends do think I should forgive her though.

OP posts:
MrsGrasshead · 19/12/2013 23:52

No, don't give her the gift. Even if by some remote chance your ds had done it, which I doubt, she didn't need to go blabbing about it. Your friends just want an easy life.

ToysRLuv · 19/12/2013 23:54

The other friends might only want you to make up to save them from any awkwardness. They might also think that the friend has probably got a point about your DS.. So, they don't know who to believe and just want everything to be nice and rosy again.

DameFanny · 19/12/2013 23:57

Id be looking carefully at all the other friends tbh, if they think that's forgivable...

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 19/12/2013 23:59

There were about a dozen stories that she had twisted like that, some had other witnesses, even the other mutual friends, who know the stories are rubbish.
Nobody can

OP posts:
Original poster
WeAreEternal · 20/12/2013 00:01

Understand why she did it.

She did other things as well, things that she intended to upset my DS or make him look bad.
There was no explanation for any of it, she just said that she was trying to show people what DS is like.

OP posts:
FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 20/12/2013 00:07

You are well shot of her. Unless you are going to follow the advice upthread (turd in a naice bag) don't give her a gift. I would seriously be evaluating your friendships with the others if they think what she did was okay.

happytalk13 · 20/12/2013 00:08

Honestly? I'd be re-considering my friendship with these other friends - especially the ones who KNOW for a fact she was waging a smear campaign on a 7-year-old-boy.

Lilacroses · 20/12/2013 00:08

Of course yanbu in not giving the gift. How odd that other friends think you are. If you have no desire to be friends in the future that would be very confusing behaviour.

ToysRLuv · 20/12/2013 00:19

Yes, re-evaluate your relationships with these people now.

BeCool · 20/12/2013 00:21

YANBU.
Give her the turd or nothing!

Life is too short for fake friendships.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 20/12/2013 00:51

She is quite a manipulative convincing person, I think it's entirely possible that she has managed to convince the others that her actions were in some way justified.
Her DDs are both in DS's year, where as all but one of the other friends all have much younger DCs. her DDs have much more interaction with DS, she had clearly used this to her advantage.

I have tried to tell my side to the friends, but they have all said that they don't want to get involved in our fall out so are just staying clear of it.
But I do know that they are probably talking about me daily, which is why I am fine with distancing myself from all of their meet ups.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 20/12/2013 01:11

Why would you give her a gift if you're no longer friends with her? The friend who says you 'should' do so clearly has her own agenda, if she's that bothered let her by said woman an extra gift then but dont bend your ear about it, or try to tell you what you must or must not do. Honestly...those who have an over-invested interest in stirring & trying to create 'people-pleasers' need to get a life. Its your own business who and whether you give a gift to, or not.

blahe · 20/12/2013 03:35

If they bring it up again it might be worth telling them that now your ds is "out of the picture" she may choose her next "target"....Just hope it's not their child....

AdoraBell · 20/12/2013 04:20

YANBU in the léast OP

If someone has ofended or insulted/hurt you enough for you To cut contact that is not you being silly.

Tikkamasala · 20/12/2013 04:28

She sounds a bitch, don't you give her jack shit

BohemianGirl · 20/12/2013 06:38

Im just amazed you spend £40 on individual gifts for school gate mums Shock

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