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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of and stressed by DS2's shyness holding him back?

34 replies

gertrudetrain · 19/12/2013 18:27

I have just been completely and by Ds2's worries and shyness.

DS1 (10yrs) attends an activity once a week-its outdoors in a big shed IYSWIM and DS2(6yrs) has wanted to go for the last 18 months but had to wait until he was 6. DS1 was allowed to invite a friend/family member this week to try it out for free. DS1 wanted to invite one of his mates but ds2 said he wanted to go and as he's been v.keen I kind of pulled rank and said he was to go, try it out and can go (paid) next term.

We get there and DS2 runs off. I bring him back and he refuses to stay, saying he's too scared, its too high, the other kids look mean, its cold etc etc. Take him back to the car and he starts screaming to go back but DD(2 yrs) and I had been outside in the snow and wind for 20 mins by this point and I refused.

He's come home and is upset because he has mussed out. Every party, school performance, new activity, new situation and he just can not cope. At school his teacher says he is very shy and quiet to the point of being mute. His behaviour at school is excellent. He makes friends reluctantly but once he's friends with someone he's fine. I could cry tbh because he really wanted to do this activity but his emotions are stopping him . I am really worried that he'll spend his life being shy and or scared and not making the most of opportunities. AIBU? I know he's v.v.young should I put my worries aside?

This is the 4th activity he has refused to engage in- we've tried swimming, drama club, singing club and football but it always ends up with him crying and me taking him home. Sigh.

OP posts:

PennyroyalTea · 19/12/2013 21:23

I assume he's getting more than one chance at these things? I'm just thinking, even as an adult I often feel intimidated, fearful or unhappy when I do something for the first time, it's often tempting to run away; he's only expressing this type of reaction in his own, six year old, way.

He is v young and I wouldn't be too worried if he's a little more introvert than his siblings, it's probably a good idea to talk to him about how he feels about it after, and gently suggest you both go together for another visit when he feels like it (if it's practical to do so) - it's important not to tell him he's being silly/stupid/a baby/etc but at the same time don't make too much of it, if that makes sense.

You have a sensitive little boy, they almost always make the best kind of adults

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 21:25

He's six and you're sick of his shyness?

It's not a choice!

I'm sure there must be books and advice out there you can get so you can help him, but I'd start with being a little more understanding.

Whatnamenext · 19/12/2013 21:28

My DD was like this she'd get to the point of vomiting. We just didn't really react. Stayed with her or calmly took her home. She grew out of it. Strange.

Maybe he's anticipating the drama awaiting him?

NoisyDay · 19/12/2013 21:29

Shyness is not a choice.Please,please do not show your annoyance at him being shy.it will make him
100 times worse,he will feel like a failure as we'll.work with him to improve his confidence and emotional resilience,there are some super books out there on this.It is not his fault.how do you think he felt tonight?!you said yourself he really wanted to do the activity-he must be so sad.poor boy.

Backtobedlam · 19/12/2013 21:37

Could you try taking him along and sitting and watching with him not having to do anything? Difficult in this instance as you also had dd with you but maybe another time. My youngest dc went through a really clingy phase and it helped just sitting and watching, no pressure to join in and just take it slowly.

Original poster

gertrudetrain · 19/12/2013 21:57

I know its terrible that I'm sick of it and I know its not a choice but its so draining. It stresses us both (me & Ds) out and our reactions then come out wrong.

He's still awake now, he's been up & down for the last 2 hours so its obviously got to him. Any idea what books I could read?

OP posts:

PennyroyalTea · 19/12/2013 22:01

This sounds sensible

MrsDavidBowie · 19/12/2013 22:09

Dd was a very clingy shy child and I felt like you at one point...I just wanted her to enjoy activities! I couldn't understand why she wasn't like other children.
Then I realised she wasn't being naughty...she had anxiety issues.
She never did Brownies etc but at 7 she went to a drama club..and found her vocation.
She is so confident now, as a teenager.
Hope it all works out for you.

Borka · 19/12/2013 22:12

The Highly Sensitive Child is really good.

Amandine29 · 19/12/2013 22:20

Although I agree that he can't help being shy and that his situation sounds somewhat severe, I do think you need to be careful that your ds1 does not grow to resent his brother. If I were him I would be annoyed that such an opportunity had been wasted when someone else could have benefitted (and he would probably much rather have taken a friend). I'm not saying this is the most sensitive reaction but it is quite natural.

ContentedSidewinder · 19/12/2013 22:28

I can second The Highly Sensitive Child book, I was that child and even when Ds1 was that child I didn't know how to deal with it.

It is very hurtful to grow up knowing that you are not the child your parents want you to be, trust me. Especially when you have an older, more confident sibling also of the same gender. I am the adult I am today despite my childhood.

You need to reassure him that it is normal to feel anxious about new situations. My lovely ds1 has only just started an after school activity in year 6! He has never had a birthday party with a load of friends. But he is kind, and sweet and empathic, and teachers love him to bits.

Yes, he isn't exactly how you expect him to be, but we don't choose our children, they are who they are and you should be boosting him up not putting him down. Ganging up on him with his older brother, which is what you are doing, is just cruel.

BerryChristmas · 19/12/2013 22:38

I do think you need to be careful that your ds1 does not grow to resent his brother.

So are you saying that the brother's activities should be curtailed because of the younger child's shyness? That's hardly right, is it?

fairisleknitter · 19/12/2013 22:41

He can grow out of this stage. I certainly did and I can see one of my children doing the same. (I went to Brownies once and never went back; for years I felt guilt that there was an unused uniform there waiting for me!)

It won't necessarily hold him back, I never went to Brownies but I grew up and travelled the world. Read the recommended books here and develop some strategies to keep you sane along the way!

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 22:41

You just have to relax and let him do it in his own time. It isn't something that can be forced.

Pancakeflipper · 19/12/2013 23:01

Reading with interest as I have a shy child and think he's developing anxiety. Yet he'll want to have a go at everything and I need to know how to help him.

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 23:02

I was a shy child, the worst thing was drawing attention to it. Don't force into things and don't shield from doing things.

fairisleknitter · 19/12/2013 23:14

Do give him second and third chances. Or rather chances to express what he doesn't like about things. I remember telling my Mum that I didn't like going to a sport's club with a friend and her Mum. My Mum (who was very busy and stressed) said that was enough and I was no longer going. All I really meant was that I felt a bit awkward going with the other girl's Mum, I actually was getting to like the activity. I don't blame my Mum as I was a moaner, but a bit of listening, accepting my feelings and then encouraging further commitment would have helped.

claraschu · 19/12/2013 23:18

Is there a way you can set him up to succeed at trying something? I think this kind of negative scenario can almost become a habit, and the more often it happens, the more likely those feelings are to come back in a similar situation the next time. Can you find an activity led by a familiar adult? Can he arrive a minute early and have a specific role to play? Can he try a group where he will be one of the older children? Could he walk in with his best friend to the first session of a newly formed group? Can you downplay the importance of the group and not make it a big deal or something very exciting? Can you find a daytime activity in a familiar place?

I would avoid situations where he is very likely to repeat the failure, and the activity you tried today sounds like it was likely to be difficult: an established group; something he has a lot of emotional attachment to already; brother wanted to take someone else; he is at the youngest end of the age spectrum. Maybe he just isn't ready to join in all these activities, and the best thing for him would be to forget about all of them for a while until he is more confident in other easier social situations.

LeepyTime · 19/12/2013 23:28

I hid under my mums big (70s) swishy skirts - literally and stayed there, when visitors called or anything. She was always shouting at me as she was always standing on me as I would be attached to her legs. I was excruciatingly shy. I don't know what changed but I ended up singing in a band and am a very confident and happy person now. Just take it easy and let him always know you are his refuge from where he can explore the world/new activities, and he will slowly start to creep out from under his shell and join in fun things if they look fun enough! I think it is a good idea to go to something, to just 'watch', with no pressure or expectation of joining in. All the best, I'm sure it will all turn out ok in the end :-)

ilovemountains · 19/12/2013 23:36

I tell my dd that she has to try things (like rainbows, afterschool clubs etc) three times, and then if she still doesn't like it she doesn't have to go anymore. This works for her - she gets time to sit back and observe for a while, doesn't feel so pressured. Perhaps worth a try?

LeepyTime · 19/12/2013 23:41

Also that was a good point about arriving early. I always wanted to be the first one in my class in the morning so that I didn't have to walk in in front of everyone. Maybe if you are doing something with him, try to get there first/early, so that he can be doing the activity/starting to feel relaxed in the new location even before the others start to arrive?

LeepyTime · 19/12/2013 23:43

Oh, I have just noticed that you are baby's gertrude - hello there!

ICanTotallyDance · 20/12/2013 03:08

How annoying for everyone, and how upsetting too. I bet your DS was kicking himself.

Perhaps try a club which is very small or only his age group?

I remember being quite young and "graduating" from a junior martial arts class to the main class (7+) and I went from loving it to hating, faking sick every wednesday night, crying, etc. Being the baby of the class meant I just hated the whole thing, it was so intimidating. Probably your DS will outgrow this but if it has happened with four clubs (five now?) it is a problem.

I am not a psychologist, so I don't know the long term ramifications of this, but when we were children my aunt was fed up with my cousin being the same way. She dropped him off at an "introduction to rugby" session for 8 years olds, got in her car, turned off her new mobile phone and took her daughter (my other cousin) shopping for two hours. Well, it worked but I don't know if I would recommend it!

I would look into the books etc. listed on this thread and be patient. It's annoying for you but more so for your children, I would say.

Could you send him to an activity with his friends? Maybe a private swimming lesson with friends? Or a 1-on-1 activity (like violin) that can gradually lead to a group activity (orchestra). Or singing to choir etc.

Amandine29 · 20/12/2013 07:14

BerryChristmas So are you saying that the brother's activities should be curtailed because of the younger child's shyness? That's hardly right, is it?

You have misunderstood, that is the complete opposite of what I was saying. My point was that the mother should make sure that the younger brother's shyness does not curtail the older brother's activities.

EllaMenopy · 20/12/2013 09:30

That was me as a kid. I'd start activities, sometimes after begging my parents to take me along, and then I'd get all weird and shy and anxious and want to leave, and my parents would take me home. Often people would try to convince me to stay, and the fuss was embarrassing and made it all worse. I absolutely hated the way I was behaving, but it was as though once I started to get shy and panicky, I didn't have the emotional or social skills to figure out how to go on participating. I could feel it start to happen, I just didn't know how to stop myself.

I have always wished my parents made me stick it out- I still find it hard to follow through with a new activity or social situation once the butterflies start.

My eldest (6 year old boy) seemed to be going the same way, but we've decided if we sign him up for an activity he will go along every time for an agreed period (usually one term or one year) and he doesn't have to participate, he can just sit there, but he can't leave and we won't make a fuss (or have anyone else make a fuss). He knows the score before he starts something. Initially we had a few wasted classes, but now he seems to have got over it. I don't know if this would have worked on me as a child, but I know that being allowed to quit over and over again didn't help me.

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