To be sick of and stressed by DS2's shyness holding him back?

[gertrudetrain]

I have just been completely and by Ds2's worries and shyness.

DS1 (10yrs) attends an activity once a week-its outdoors in a big shed IYSWIM and DS2(6yrs) has wanted to go for the last 18 months but had to wait until he was 6. DS1 was allowed to invite a friend/family member this week to try it out for free. DS1 wanted to invite one of his mates but ds2 said he wanted to go and as he's been v.keen I kind of pulled rank and said he was to go, try it out and can go (paid) next term.

We get there and DS2 runs off. I bring him back and he refuses to stay, saying he's too scared, its too high, the other kids look mean, its cold etc etc. Take him back to the car and he starts screaming to go back but DD(2 yrs) and I had been outside in the snow and wind for 20 mins by this point and I refused.

He's come home and is upset because he has mussed out. Every party, school performance, new activity, new situation and he just can not cope. At school his teacher says he is very shy and quiet to the point of being mute. His behaviour at school is excellent. He makes friends reluctantly but once he's friends with someone he's fine. I could cry tbh because he really wanted to do this activity but his emotions are stopping him . I am really worried that he'll spend his life being shy and or scared and not making the most of opportunities. AIBU? I know he's v.v.young should I put my worries aside?

This is the 4th activity he has refused to engage in- we've tried swimming, drama club, singing club and football but it always ends up with him crying and me taking him home. Sigh.

I have a very shy 6yo boy too, and I understand what you're saying about reluctance to join clubs etc. My Ds has only recently joined an after school gardening club, which he loves, but that's it for now. We're considering beavers, but will take that one slowly. He gets so excited in anticipation of parties and special events, but then absolutely hates them when they happen! I used to feel quite anxious about why he was different to other kids who could just arrive at things and join in, but I have to say I adore the person that he is - I'm very proud of him and wouldn't change him for the world. It helps that he's so incredibly polite and well behaved, he's far too shy to misbehave!

I am reading this with interest after a really difficult week with DD who is three. In swimming she spent the lesson crying and clinging to the teacher (new class but has been swimming since a baby). Her Christmas concert at nursery was ruined by her hating the audience looking at her, ripping her costume off and crying loudly throughout the whole thing. Yesterday, at a Christmas party she clung to me for the first fifteen minutes and cried and cried when Santa tried to give her a present. She then pronounced it the best party ever when we left.

We were asked to leave the dance lessons because she cried every week at the end when they had to do a bow to the parents and the teacher felt it was too disruptive.

I sympathise with you OP as I find it massively frustrating and do struggle not to show her I am cross. I think this is because when she does get brave about these things, she really loves it and has a fantastic time and I don't understand what is holding her back.

I will get the books suggested to see if I can help her more.

We have this with my 4 year old. Frustrating. He is not particularly shy with strangers, so thus is something different than straight forward shyness. I have been so embarrassed, many a time..

Read this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking/dp/0141029196

You will feel so much better afterwards, really.

Why are you staying? I'd drop and then leave so that there is no option to come crying to you.

Hi leepy , waves.

Trinuty- I couldn't just drop & go because you gave to sign them in and when I was signing in he ran off.

To the poster who said back thread that ds1 & I ganging up on ds2 is cruel-well rtft! DS1 has been really supportive of ds2, he wants to teach his brother this so much. This is DS1's thing-sonething he really excels at and he wants to share it with ds2 because its exhilarating and really good for your health. I would never ever stop ds1 from doing it amandine you were spot on in your post.

I know I'm venting on here and sounding like a bitch about it but that's because im containing my frustration and feelings in front of ds2. Thanks to everyone who has put up links to books. Will defo read.

So had a calm word with ds2 this morning and agreed I'd ring the activity provider and ask them if he could sit & watch the first session next term. Thanks for that syggestion, makes sense. I've just spoken to them and they are happy for him to watch and take it slow.

I don't want to give up on it again (this would be activity number 5) as its not helping him gain confidence just removing him.

He's such a different child to me-and I need to learn how to gently support him and be positive about his quirks.

You sound much more positive and your plan sounds like a good one I hope it all works out for you and your sons.

Sounds like anxiety. He's totally overwhelmed by it all. Rather than exasperation, lots of patience, love & compassion is needed. Try taking it in baby steps. Sitting in the car outside the activity place, chatting about anything. Encourage him to look through the window/peep through the door. The next week maybe he could sit in for 5 mins towards the end etc. By breaking it down and removing the EXPECTATION that he should participate (which implies he's wrong/odd for not doing so) and allowing him to control and set the pace whilst talking through his fears, his confidence should grow. Lots of validation needed too when he acomplishes a baby step. Go easy on yourself too op. Your frustrations likely transfer to your DC which perpetuates the problem.
Good luck

Hadnt read the full thread. Seems you found your answer