AIBU to be miffed at last minute change of plans? (ILs, sorry!)

[LadyCelia]

We're off to the ILs this weekend, 3 hr drive after work including M25 (aggh, hell) to see them for Christmas. The original plan was to go Friday, have their family Christmas do on Saturday night & come home Sunday lunchtime.

We've just found out that they have moved the family Christmas do to Sunday afternoon, which means that we won't get home til silly o'clock on Sunday night, and as I have to work Monday & Tuesday, bang goes my only time to do the washing, wrap a few presents, tidy up etc. Also then we can't relax & have a drink as one of us will have to drive.

SIL now has parties to go to on Friday & Saturday nights, hence the change of plan - but the day was originally agreed months ago with all the family. And we only found out about the change due to DH noticing something on her FB wall (bloody FB), ILs haven't thought to let us know.

AIBU to point out to the ILs that a bit of notice would have been nice? Or shall I just smile sweetly & fume silently?
Perhaps then we could have arranged to go Saturday morning to give me Friday evening to do things, but apparently it's too late to change our arrival day now as they've catered for us! DH says just suck it up, & don't fuss, I can do the washing & wrapping on Christmas Eve after work....

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I wouldn't go at all with a lazy, cranky bollocks like him.

[LtEveDallas]

"OK DH, but seeing as I will now be very busy on Xmas Eve, I will be the one having a drink on Sunday, and YOU will be the one driving home. Don't worry, I'm sure you can have a drink with mummy and daddy on Friday night when we get there - mind you, they are predicting that this Friday will be the busiest travelling day of the Xmas period, so we may well not get to your mums until after midnight. Oh well"

[LadyFlumpalot]

Another vote for sending your DH on his own. I do this quite often when I want a quiet day.

[ViviPru]

Nothing really constructive to add, OP other than my full support for you at this difficult time

I too am having to travel to the ILs this weekend, also braving the M25 on Friday afternoon and each of the events over the weekend has been meticulously scheduled to ensure we can see everyone we need to in DH's hometown and get home in time for a decent evening on Sunday where I can get shit done. I would FUCKING FREAK OUT if any of the plans/timings were altered at this late stage.

Although now I'm getting twitchy that we're talking about the same family and plans have been changed without my prior knowledge/sanction how very dare they - I am the puppet master

[Junebugjr]

Have you got children OP?
You should not be spending your limited time on Christmas, keeping your DH family happy by fitting in with them while he lazes around. I wouldn't go bonkers on him, just calmly inform him your not going and say he hope he enjoys his time with his family. If you don't have kids yet but plan too, I would set this in motion now, otherwise you'll have a nightmare decade trying to keep everyone happy over Christmas.
DH used to disappear whenever MIL popped in unannounced (which was literally every other day). Despite her coming over 'to see the girls', she would give them a swift hug, then follow me in the kitchen to maliciously gossip about people for an hour. After a good while of this and numerous arguments with DH. If she now pops in, I call DH your mothers here, and go upstairs to clean, until she leaves. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, if the words are coming out of your mouth - you won't put up with this etc etc, but your actions don't back them up, men will happily go along with what suits them.

[LadyCelia]

Ha ha ha, LtEve I've just sent him an email saying almost exactly that!! And I'm going to take all their presents down unwrapped, & lock myself in the bedroom on Saturday afternoon with gin and wrap them up then, one less thing to do tonight.

ViviPru - I feel your pain. You're not my other SIL are you?

Honestly, who invented Christmas? Not a woman, surely Goodwill, bah humbug. More like 3 weeks of stress.

Anyway, I have now emailed him a list of everything that has to be done as apparently he's not a mind reader (really??) so if I don't tell him, how does he know what needs doing? I am so going to bring DS up differently, he's going to be a lovely husband when I've finished with him!

[MissScatterbrain]

Yes but with your DH as his role model, bringing DS up to be different will be extremely difficult.

Stop enabling this lazy manchild.

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

He can't force you to get in the car on Friday so he either waits for you and you go together on the Saturday or he goes alone on the Friday.

What's all this he won't help out? He should be pulling his weight and even more so seeing as it's his family who have changed the arrangements without even having the good manners to let you know.

[LadyCelia]

Do you know what - I wouldn't get in that car on Friday if it was about him. But MIL dotes on DS, and I would feel rotten about hurting her feelings. She's nice, but thoughtless, doesn't understand my job (whole other thread!) but she loves DS. And it's bloody Christmas, she'll have been looking forward to seeing DS for ages, as she doesn't get to see him all the time as they live so far away.
Bloody catholic guilt this is.

[ZeViteVitchofCwismas]

IF IT SOOOO important, then how come sils hangover trumps all of that?

touch fucking shit!

it cant be that important to suddenly change plans at the last min.


Your DS CANNOT mean that much to them actually,.

if they did, there is simply NO WAY they would allow sil to change plans at the last min, and certainly not without consulting you.

I am sorry but you need to stand firm on this.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Your husband can bring his own son to see his mother.

You do not need to go.

[babybythesea]

Thread hijack - but it seems there will be a number of us on the M25 on Friday. I think we need to put some identifying feature on our cars so we can at least wave and grimace in sympathy as we sit nose to tail waiting to move....

[Bowlersarm]

I don't quite understand the total upset.

All it means is that one of you can't drink at the party, as it will now be on the Sunday, and you will be leaving for home a couple of hours after you had originally planned to.

What am I missing?

And as the mother of three boys, always destined to be the wicked MIL, I think it's great that your DH wants to spend the whole weekend with his family and not cut it short.

[MumofFestiveYuck]

YANBU to be miffed at the plan change. YABU to let your DH get away with being a lazy arse though. Make him do stuff - not just now, but forever after!

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

I wouldn't have emailed the list. I'd have said "you're not a mind reader, you don't need to read my mind as you have your own perfectly good mind. Try using it".

OTOH, he probably needs a list of jobs to do when you get back on Sunday. Instructions for doing the washing, a list of presents to wrap and so on.

Take your time Friday night. Make sure you only pack your own stuff, he's responsible for everything else. Any time Saturday that he is not pulling his weight, socially, give him a kick. Take his papers away. In the mornings, kick him out of bed early - tell him he mustn't waste his precious family time.
When you've had enough, announce you are feeling sick, and go for a lie down. Or you have indigestion, and you're going for a walk. And make sure you pack your own secret supply of chocolate, alcohol, a good book, and something to connect to the internet ...

And I do hope he is cooking Christmas dinner?

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Why do you have to go if DS goes? Surely 'D'H can take him?

Frankly my love, a change of plans with the IL's would be the least of my worries in your situation. I would not tolerate all that shit from someone who is supposed to be your partner in life, not your bloody lazy arsed, whining dictator. A grown man who leaves washing in the machine for 3 days, tells you that YOU can do it all after work on Christmas Eve and does fuck all while you are away working etc... why are you putting up with it/him?

[ZeViteVitchofCwismas]

baby that's hilarious, all on your way to your painful in laws maybe someone can video too so we know who is off to who....

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

Bowlersarm - the reasons for the upset are this -

he never goes by himself to see them, he'll only go with me, and when he does get there, he falls asleep under the papers all day while I have to make small talk

and this -

he won't help with anything here at home.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

What Chipping said.

The way he treats you is not at all acceptable.

[ZeViteVitchofCwismas]

boweler

If you had GC that you rarely saw would you let your DD change all plans set in stone for months, so she could have a hangover and get up late?

Would you jeopardise seeing your GC for that because I wouldnt. I would be telling sil she can bloody well fall in or piss off but we are not changing plans becasue the GC come first on this occasion.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Do you want to see the IL's and the rest of the family? If not, don't go. Tell him to take the train as you will need the car and fuck off go up today on Friday and stay there as long as he likes. Git.

Bowlersarm - the change in plans wouldn't bother me if a) I had been asked/told, b) if I liked the people. A change of plan to make a weekend I already didn't want to take part in even worse and which I wasn't even asked/told about has all the potential to make me furious.

[diddl]

Well I'd change plans to suit my adult kids if I could.

Was husaband consulted, OP?

TBH, I'd send him with your son & catch up with them another time.

He sounds ridiculous-stop letting him get away with it!

[ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas]

I imagine the OP thought a journey back in daytime would be more pleasant than an evening trek on a busy motorway. We are spending the weekend with pil, but will absolutely be leaving in afternoon to do this. I have two boys and I don't buy into the mil stuff at all - I see as many posts complaining about mothers imo. Though there is one difference, that the discussion is often done at a remove (ie through your dh) rather than directly as you would with a dm. Possibly too we are more polite with our mil, I know I am! So maybe we need to vent in a way we can't in real life. Actually a lot of "impossible mil" situations are really "impossible dh" ones when you look at them!

[Bowlersarm]

jelly those reasons are between the OP and her DH. I think it's a shame the OP doesn't want to spend some time with the in laws and have a relationship with them for her and her DS, regardless of her husbands relationship.

ZeVite jeopardising seeng the Dgc seems to be an extreme way of looking at it. It just looks to me like a tweaking of the events of the weekend.

Chipping you have it in a nutshell. I guess the OP just doesn't want to go full stop. It's a duty visit, rather than a pleasurable one.

How often do you see them OP? (Sorry if I've missed it, if you've said it)