AIBU to be miffed at last minute change of plans? (ILs, sorry!)

[LadyCelia]

We're off to the ILs this weekend, 3 hr drive after work including M25 (aggh, hell) to see them for Christmas. The original plan was to go Friday, have their family Christmas do on Saturday night & come home Sunday lunchtime.

We've just found out that they have moved the family Christmas do to Sunday afternoon, which means that we won't get home til silly o'clock on Sunday night, and as I have to work Monday & Tuesday, bang goes my only time to do the washing, wrap a few presents, tidy up etc. Also then we can't relax & have a drink as one of us will have to drive.

SIL now has parties to go to on Friday & Saturday nights, hence the change of plan - but the day was originally agreed months ago with all the family. And we only found out about the change due to DH noticing something on her FB wall (bloody FB), ILs haven't thought to let us know.

AIBU to point out to the ILs that a bit of notice would have been nice? Or shall I just smile sweetly & fume silently?
Perhaps then we could have arranged to go Saturday morning to give me Friday evening to do things, but apparently it's too late to change our arrival day now as they've catered for us! DH says just suck it up, & don't fuss, I can do the washing & wrapping on Christmas Eve after work....

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Yabu. This isn't about the ils at all!!! This is about your DP or dh. Unfair title and moaning!

He is a tit of the tittiest degree. And so are you for not training him via DP training school after marriage ;0)

Happy Xmas x

[ViviPru]

I don't see anywhere in this thread evidence of the OP just not wanting to go full stop. Yes she alludes to the ILs being a bit irksome, but nothing more than the usual gripes any normal person has about family. Elsewhere it is evident she is actively trying to preserve the relationships.

I She would be perfectly reasonable not to go whatsoever, citing the distance and proximity to Christmas, and work book-ending this particular weekend, but she has complied with the original given plans without complaint. I think it's justifiable to vent some MN steam when those given plans are changed at the last minute, especially when she's found out indirectly.

[ZeViteVitchofCwismas]

Bowlers anyone changing plans at the last min on any occasion for whatever reasons, risks those people involved not being able to make it. Its a risk you take if you suddenly change plans.

Obv in this family --as in so many others- sils wishes take precedence over ops dh and family. Not un common.

[Bowlersarm]

Oh well. I can't agree, so shall leave it there.

Enjoy your Christmas OP

[thebody]

minnieisthedevilmouse that's got to be one of the funniest posts on mumsnet.

Op you are not being unreasonable at all.

Incidentally if you hadn't seen the face book re sil and changes would the inlaws not have been embarrassed.

[CeliaLytton]

Bowlersarm lots of us on here are going to be the 'dreaded' MIL, but it seems some of us will bring it on ourselves.

I cannot see myself changing plans to suit my daughter, when her reasons include wanting to indulge a hangover, without consulting my son who lives hundreds of miles away and has to do a long journey on a busy pre-Christmas weekend with a young child.

I would not want to drive back late Sunday and then have to be up early for work Monday. I would do it if there were no other option but arrangements were made to suit all, they should not be changed to benefit only one.

As I said OP, don't be passive aggressive about it, and don't let it spoil your Christmas. Phone/email/Facebook mil and explain that, as plans have changed without your knowledge and that a late return home Sunday was what you were trying to avoid, you would appreciate lunch at 12 and you will start home straight afterwards.

[Kundry]

It's like this when we go to PILs. DH supposedly really wnts to see them and then he spends the whole time reading the paper or wandering off by himself while I have to make small talk with them. While they aren't toxic, they are very dull and annoying, don't understand my job or that it's me who is the higher earner and has all the responsibility. Apparently life is v stressful for my DH (living in my house and not contributing to the mortgage) and the sun also shines out his arse.

After a few of these visits I spelled out v clearly that the visits are for his benefit NOT mine. (This did take a massive row, not speaking for 3 days and initial negotiations conducted solely via email however )They are also highly inconvenient for me seeing as I am the only member of his family who works over Christmas yet I have to fit in with everyone else's arrangements.

So far we have agreed that he can visit family members without me, I am going to PILS but he knows that if I am stuck in a conversation without him he will be dragged in every 2 minutes until MIL realises she is having a conversation with him and not me. We'll see how it goes...

OP good luck and put your foot down!

[ViviPru]

It's like this when we go to PILs. DH supposedly really wnts to see them and then he spends the whole time reading the paper or wandering off by himself while I have to make small talk with them. While they aren't toxic, they are very dull and annoying, don't understand my job or that it's me who is the higher earner and has all the responsibility. Apparently life is v stressful for my DH (living in my house and not contributing to the mortgage) and the sun also shines out his arse.

I'm actually extremely confused and wondering whether the crazy rush to get work finished this week is affecting my brain because I'm pretty sure I'm not Kundry and I'm prreeeetty sure I didn't just type the above... and yet maybe I did as that is my existence to the finest detail.

I have the added joy of being maligned for not producing GDCs. Well the thing is, ILs, it's really rather tricky to take maternity leave and afford children per se when the income from your self-employment is the only thing keeping the roof over yours and the darling firstborn's head.

(Sorry for derail OP. Kundry's post was just too resonant to let pass)

[ShoeWhore]

My MIL was a nightmare for doing this kind of thing - ordering us to drop everything for extremely last minute family get togethers was her speciality - and then throwing tantrums when we pointed out that we also have lives and it was rather inconvenient. What worked much better though was saying oh that's such a shame, we already have plans. to start with she got a bit stroppy but she's now stopped doing it mainly apart from the jubilee but I put my foot down and didn't go

I would give your dh a choice:

• you stick to the original plan
• you go on Saturday morning or
• he takes ds and you stay at home

I suppose option 4 would be he gets everything sorted before you go but not sure how realistic that is?

[Kundry]

Hi ViviPru - are we twins? I've failed to produce GDCs either, possibly because DH (who I do love to bits) is not obvious marriage material so failed to pin anyone down until it was too late to start. This is not my fault!

Anyway, we are derailing badly.

Go with what ShoeWhore says. And next year, make him do his presents and when he fails, don't cover up for him.

[Phineyj]

I feel your pain OP and think Shoe's suggestions are v sensible. I totally get the Sunday evening thing too. We have twice taken 5 hours to get from north London to south of London on weekend evenings - with a young DC, it's so horrible. My MIL (who is lovely) doesn't understand what having a demanding more-than-fulltime job is like either, as she hasn't worked for about 50 years. Do whatever reduces your stress most.

[ZeViteVitchofCwismas]

celia you summed it up so much better than I. Its the changing of plans for local or resident child affecting the one travelling for hundreds of miles and with small DC.

Out ragoues.

[nkf]

What a fuss. I know this us a fraught time of year but really.

[LadyCelia]

I think Kundry and ViviPru and I are all related (by marriage obviously!) - this is exactly my scenario.

Anyway - I wanted to know if IWBU to say to the ILs (or SIL) that a bit of notice of a change of plans would be nice. Thanks to the lovely posters above, I will be going on Friday but I will say to PIL that we can't stay beyond 2-3 on Sunday so they will have to work SIL round that. DH has now spoken to SIL and told her to get her arse over that morning too, or else....if she doesn't then it's not my fault, and we're leaving as planned on Sunday afternoon, albeit a bit later than I'd like but hey how. Thank you all for backing me up & making me (not shout) deal with the UH.

And if anyone else is going round the M25 towards Essex/Suffolk on Friday afternoon/evening, we definitely need a MN sign. Maybe a scarf out the window? Pom Bears on the dashboard?

[girlywhirly]

I think that 's a good resolution to your problem, LadyCelia. You can still hide in the bedroom wrapping their presents on Sat afternoon, forcing DH to attempt to stay awake and converse with his parents. String it out for as long as you can, with a drink, and possibly a book.

I think it would be wisest for DH to have the conversation with SIL about the change of plans not being communicated to you both, people have their own lives as well, not just her. Fortunately next year when the ILS have moved home, you won't be going to them for Christmas and SIL will just have to organise herself or not see you which will be her choice if she prefers partying.

However, it will mean even more work with entertaining the ILS and DH will have to shift himself big time. Men can be very dense when it comes to chores, they tend to ignore them if there is someone else to do them and some they still wouldn't do unless their life depended on it. This is something you need to sort out between yourselves. The bottom line is you both work, yet you are the one doing all the other household tasks and shopping. He generates dirty dishes and laundry, dust and dirt on the carpets and surfaces, eats food, etc so he should do his fair share of these things, and do them properly. Trust me, the current situation will deteriorate until you resent him and then lose respect for him.

[ViviPru]

Excellent resolution and effective use of AIBU.

I've no pombears on the dashboard but there is a Johnson's dry cleaning bag hanging in the nearside rear window... Toot toot fellow MN Xmas pilgrims!