to be royally pissed off at DH criticising EVERY choice I make for xmas....

[Ivehadroyallyenough]

...when all he contributes is money and bah humbug spirit? I am in no way being extravagant, and - again - have to face criticism about every single present I have bought, including the ones for HIS family because he can't be arsed to think about any of it he's at work all the time...I am bloody furious, I am not well, and he knows it, and have been doing ALL the thinking, shopping, wrapping, decorating and generally trying to make xmas a nice memory for the children (11 &13) and all he bloody does all the time is bloody complain. Would these be ground for divorce? Alternatively can someone recommend a good monastery in a muslim country where I could emigrate in nov 2014? I can't be doing this again next year, and it'a too bloody early for wine.

You've hit the nail on the head Royally - he thinks all the money is his money. And there doesn't seem to be an easy solution to that. Is he otherwise reasonable in terms of money and workload, or is he equally controlling and critical about everything else?

We're in a similar position in that my DH earns the bulk of our money and I do all the Christmas shopping, wrapping and organising- the difference is that he tells me how much he appreciates me doing it (and I enjoy it, to be fair). He also knows that if he criticises the way I've done it, he'll be doing it himself next time. Unfortunately it sounds as though your husband is using the money issue and the criticism of your work (because if you are running everything in the household then it is work, even if you don't get paid) to keep you in what he sees as your place.

He sounds exactly like my husband, it was worse before we had a joint account and would accuse me of being frivolous if I spent a penny over £200 for the WHOLE FAMILY, I mean really! His family is much bigger than mine and I usually insist he buys their presents, but in later years I've started buying bits for my two sister in laws as I feel embarrassed of his presents, one being bed sheets (insane!) another a hoover - which my brother in law claimed was what she really wanted. Having seen her face on Christmas day, I doubt very much this was her dream present.

Last night we had a row as he has a habit of not bothering to buy presents at all, and saying he'll get some vouchers in January or simply nothing. He always forgets his mum's birthday on the 29th too and we are often staying there and if I forget it's a bit awkward. I hate the way they assume they don't have to bother anymore once married, like you'll pick up the pieces, he even said to me last night 'it's only women that are bothered by Christmas'!

I have to say he's generous in his time and helps a lot in other areas of the house upkeep, but still I think he sees his earnings as his (I stay at home)

Forgot to mention that I wanted to buy the two sil's main presents as saw something really suitable, but he kind of pulled a face and said, 'nah, I'll do it' and he still hasn't bought anything

Well it seems at least I am not the only one here doing all the work, although you lot get a bit more gratitude, and possibly bigger budgets!...I'm toying with the idea of showing him this post but would probably get him even more grumpy at how I waste time on Mumsnet...
He has never dared saying that it's his money, but clearly behaves like he thinks he is the only one who could save the family from his squandering wife, trying to micromanage my expenditure down to what I buy for dinner and did we really need to order two packets of carrots for Christmas...So instead of telling him to FO, I take carrots back.

I am the problem, the one who recognises it's HIS money; I used to earn as much as him, and was used to spend it as I pleased. When I stopped working, because of health issues and to be a SAHM he was so worried at how we would cope with just one salary, and it all went wrong from there.

Honestly, I can't believe how stupid I have become.

Tobias, I think there are more chances of a roast turkey pig flying at Christmas, then him being full of festive (or otherwise) cheer...and yes it has eaten away at my soul, but I let him. It always takes two to tango, right?

Sorry I didn't realie I'd posted already halfway through...can you tell I'm fairly new here?

Yanbu op-your dh sounds as arsey as mine. I am also a sahm with a dh who thinks that the money he earns is "his". He is not stingy at xmas-quite the oposite and I have to rein him in as he likes to have the best food/drink etc but this only extends to his family.

He will buy the kids main presents-bikes this year-but expects me to get all the other presents for them out of the child benefit! I also have to buy presents for my family/friends with that money too! Its a joke but anytime I have tried to bring up the fact that he gives me very little money,he just ignores me

So you are not the only mug on here!

You took the carrots back? I am speechless at his micromanaging. That is awesome.

My DS's DH contributes all the money and nothing else He doesn't buy presents, wrap, write any cards, sort out the food...nothing. But they are sort of OK with it. He doesn't moan about the spending and she only works part time. She did admit to being a bit stressed the other day and he said, 'What on earth are you stressed for? It's one roast dinner'.

That did NOT go down very well.

Will he be a misery on the day as well? Quick tip for you, totally ignore him if he is. Be as bright and festive as you can with the children but treat him like a sulking child. DH used to detest Christmas, a symptom of working in the pub trade through most of them I think, and would go into a miserable sulk on the day itself, so I ignored him completely, messed with the DC's, served up dinner and completely ignore his behaviour. He got left out of a few Christmases until the penny dropped that he was missing out on a good time, faked it the following year and he's great now.

Jesus what im reading on this thread is bordering on financial abuse.

So why do you tolerate it? Nothing's going to change, it hasn't so far. A miraculous personality change is not going to happen. Read him the bloody riot act and stand up for yourself!

My DH buys all his own presents, and yes he works. Tell your DH to sort himself out.

Stop being a Christmas martyr!

Can one delete/edit/correct posts here?
I meant to say REALISE...

Op he sounds a nasty arse.

What's with the 'he keeps me short' crap! Is this 1955? Can I point out that being a sahm is actually a job.

I too organise Christmas for which dh is grateful and he does ALL the cooking for which I am grateful.

If your not a team player you shouldn't get married to a woman.

He doesn't keep me short, we have a joint account and if I wanted I COULD go and buy whatever...and sometimes I do, but it's the never-ending complaining and grumbling and criticising that does my head in!
To be fair he's good in other ways and does help around house/cooking/ironing/parenting etc. Sometimes I think he's just mutated in a grumpy middle-aged man before I was ready for him to? Or maybe I am delusional.

No I didn't take them back but I did consider it just to shut him up. In the end I actually made a HUUUUGE batch of a lovely carrot soup, and carrot cake. :-) He can't piss me off talk with his mouth full, can he?

Op do you think he really knows he's doing it? Has he just got into this character or has he always been a bit miserable.

My DH buys the Xmas presents for his family and cooks the Christmas dinner (only time he cooks). He has one brother and sister and each year we take turns buying elements of the Christmas dinner. This year we are buying the turkey, his brother is buying the starters and dessert another brother is buying other elements of the dinner. Those of us who don't cook will do the washing up so its all fairly split. We look forward to it and it isn't one persons responsibility.

Look OP, there are ways to salvage the situation.

The DC want their relatives to come to yours for Christmas? Well at 11 and 13 they can get off their arses and help you with all the meals and making beds and housework. Perhaps they should learn early that preparation for guests at Christmas takes a lot of planning and effort. It isn't all about nice food and gifts that magically appear, and running off leaving dirty dishes and mess behind. Frankly this is more important than their being potentially corrupted by consumeristic greed. Make it clear that no effort means no Christmas and that goes for DH as well.

He thinks you've been spendthrift, challenge him to do better. Does he have the first idea what things actually cost, so how can he justify his complaint. Say this will be the last year you will buy for his side of the family. Perhaps he would care to explain to them why they are all getting cheap presents.

Is DH going to be like this in front of family visitors, moaning? Because if he doesn't he shouldn't go on at you. You could say as soon as he starts, 'you are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled not to listen to it. Either do something to remedy the situation or shut up about it'

I do sympathise, it must have ground you down over the years.

I am like most women & seem to do most of Xmas, though I try to resist. DH does, however, have the virtue of being grateful & never criticising what I do - otherwise, he is only too aware I would stop doing it & we would all be worse off.

This makes me sad, what i've read on here.

My arse of an adoptive father was foul every Christmas. I do remember it, kids pick up on things.

What gets me, if they hate it so much, why?

The materialism? Well tell them to get off their lazy arses and volunteer for the homeless etc. It's hypocrisy, they sulk like children because they can't enjoy themselves and resent others doing so.

I can also see signs of abusive men here. Keeping you short of money, spending vast amounts on himself, criticising everything you do? Abuser. A man like this considers that the only person in the household who matters is him. He won't change. Why not treat yourself to something special in the new year, like a consultation with a divorce lawyer?

There's a big difference between just having the 4 of you for a week and cooking for 10 all week. Why not just invite 2 or 3 relatives for 2 or 3 days?
Or just learn to say no to your kids and tell them you'll visit all the relatives soon. In a couple of years they'll be less bothered about relatives and keen to be off with their friends I suppose.

Royally, quite frankly if he asked what id bought i just wouldn't tell him! If he's not going to be happy then it doesn't matter anyway! Or keep saying "i haven't decided yet" till xmas Eve. If he asked what you are wrapping, say its a surprise for him (it will be anyway!!) x

I had written a long message that got deleted, so in a nutshell: he's never been a bundle if laughs, but defo got grumpier and grumpier with age...male menopause?
The problem with Inlaws is they are not coming here, we are going there, which is even worse, as I end up doing everything (MIL is old, SIL is smarter than me!) but in a kitchen that isn't mine and has nothing - one pan, one pot etc... She hates cooking.

Must get kids to help more, that is good advice, and maybe learn to say no a bit more often and more forcefully. Lawyer... Maybe. 25 years are a lot to put an end to, I get the feeling I am rather older than average here...

Thanks for holding my hand today. A lot of good advice and other examples that comforted me I'm not alone.

I like many of you do the whole lot: cards, tree, shopping for both families, cook every year for everything... and have the privilege of paying for it too as I've got a bit more disposable income than DH (we don't do joint finances but are both happy with this arrangement). I also book and organise all holidays and manage our social calendar and do all the cooking.

However, DH with completely good grace does all laundry, all washing up, all hoovering, all car maintenance and the lions share of the cleaning... all year round.

I think we both are happy with this, and think that it depends on what 'deal' you have as a couple about how you split tasks. We are pre DCs though which I am sure will change everything!

OP, does your DH make up for it in other ways?