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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be able to talk about what work when i get home?

27 replies

Scrummummy · 18/12/2013 20:31

I know I am but I have a stressful job. I try to leave work at work but maybe once every other week I want to come home and grip about work. my DH thinks I should be able to leave everything at work. who is Aibu? I have no one else to talk to about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scrummummy · 18/12/2013 20:32

sorry no what just Aibu to be able to talk about work?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:33

He is. Every day would be a bit much but once a fortnight is fine. Does he never discuss work then?

BohemianGirl · 18/12/2013 20:34

Depends on the job really.

Original poster
Scrummummy · 18/12/2013 20:36

he did but is currently on garden leave and will look for a new job in Jan.

OP posts:
harticus · 18/12/2013 20:37

If you are at work all frigging day what else are you supposed to chat about when you get home?

LindyHemming · 18/12/2013 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 18/12/2013 20:40

There's a happy medium - a bit of an occasional moan is fair enough - I think very few people can really leave everything at work. But it's really easy to end up having regular rants about who said what etc (I know I've done it) and that's just not fair on the other person.

Original poster
Scrummummy · 18/12/2013 20:40

I've had a jobsworth boss. I say I got there at 850 he says 855 so not signing my time sheets. I contract so get paid by the day. so it doesn't matter 5 mins here or there. but Aibu to grip about this at home apparently.

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 18/12/2013 21:02

DH talks about work a lot, so now I don't want to hear about it.

A moan now and again is fine though.

webwiz · 18/12/2013 21:04

DH and I talk about each others work all the time with various amounts of moaning, in fact we sometimes even go out for a drink during the week for extra complaining. DH's job is very stressful and mine involves a lot of emotional energy so if I don't offload I end up waking up in the night. I'd find your DH very hard to live with OP.

Fairylea · 18/12/2013 21:06

I think it's normal to want to talk about your day! I'd be gutted if dh didn't allow me to talk about mine and probably vice versa (we always chat about his day / work when he comes in). Of course it is different if it's literally the only conversation you ever have (I'm sure it's not!) But I think it's absolutely reasonable to want to talk to your dp about work.

Skang · 18/12/2013 21:07

If it's serious, affecting your job security stuff then he is bu in my opinion. If you're just moaning daily about daily crap then you are.

BrownSauceSandwich · 18/12/2013 21:38

Depending on the content of these gripes, he might actually be trying to do you a favour. A meaningful conversation about work problems in order to work out a resolution is a positive and constructive thing, and not an unreasonable thing to expect of a supportive partner. However, just bitching about people or situations in work after a bad day might seem like venting, but pretty often just prolongs the high blood pressure, and it's really better for your own state of mind as well as your family life if you can detach from it.

thecatfromjapan · 18/12/2013 21:46

My h is like this. He says I don;t earn enough to talk about work at home. Hmm If I start, he puts his hand up in front of my face and says: "I'm done with this."

I would ask you what your h. is like in other areas of your relationship. Mainly because my h is, frankly, an arse. My feeling is that this is arse-ish behaviour - and arse-ish beahviour is rarely linked to just one area of your relationship.

ThurlHoHoHow · 18/12/2013 22:10

But really, if you've only been at work since the last time you saw them, what else are you supposed to talk about? Confused

I do agree that complaining all the time is hard. DP did this for a while and it got to the point where I told him to either look for a new job or shut up. But everyone generally wants to moan about something at some point.

Thecat is right - is this one thing, or one thing amongst many?

TheGreatHunt · 18/12/2013 22:11

thecatfromjapan, seriously why are you with this man?

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 18/12/2013 22:16

Thecat, you need to tell your DH to fuck tight off.
We talk about work, moan if necessary. It's normal isn't it?

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 18/12/2013 22:17

Fuck right off. But you could work that out for yourselves.

thecatfromjapan · 18/12/2013 22:21

Grin Don't hi-jack the OPs thread! Don't worry - I'm aiming to be talking about my ex-h some time soon. I posted that snippet because I think it illuminates what this sort of crap is really about.

It's taken me ages to finally realise just how unacceptable it (and nonsense like it) is. I really hope I can pass on to other women a kind of emotional/psychological short-cut.

Obviously, OP's h might simply be a bit fragile at the moment, or the OP might be underestimating how much she goes on. However, my own experience makes me a bit wry about behaviour like this.

AntiJamDidi · 18/12/2013 22:26

I talk about work, dp pretends to listens, sometimes he even makes a comment about some of the people I work with, who he's never met but feels like he knows them intimately. I do it a lot, dp has never mentioned not wanting to listen to me chat, other than when I'm marking a certain set of books when I apparently start up a continuous monologue of ranting at which point he puts his headphones on and leaves me to rant to myself Xmas Blush.

Dp doesn't talk about work much but when he does it's about technical details that I really don't know anything about, so it's difficult for me to have any idea of how complex it is, so I smile and nod and occassionally ask a question or make a soothing sound. He seems happy with that, all he really needs is a sounding board, not advice about how to proceed.

So yanbu wanting to talk about work, as long as it's not all-consuming and you do have other topics of conversation.

Snog · 19/12/2013 07:04

I think its fine to download your day. dh simply needs to listen sympathetically and make you a cup of tea then you will feel better and can move on. presumably he cares about you so yanbu

whereiseveryone · 19/12/2013 07:13

Blimey, he's glad he's not married to me then. I come home and have a rant every night. DH does too but I'm probably the worst offender.

It only lasts about 20 minutes but I always feel better afterwards. It's what we do. Not sure I could be with someone who wouldn't let me offload a bit. Work is stressful these days.

Tailtwister · 19/12/2013 07:22

I don't see why you shouldn't talk about work if you want/need to. It's part of a supportive relationship for your DH to listen isn't it?

I never talk about work, I spend enough of my day actually doing it and I never discuss it with acquaintances (I hate the 'what do you do?' question). Imo it's a waste of my personal time.

MidniteScribbler · 19/12/2013 07:25

What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't talk about what you've been doing all day?

revivingshower · 19/12/2013 09:07

My dh talks a lot about work and I sometimes do find myself doing the smiling and nodding while not really listening thing. I would never tell him not to speak about it though as it helps to relieve the stress. I do agree with a pp who said you can be just winding yourself up more by going over things again, my mum does this and seems to end up more upset after she has told you about a problem. But dh seems to feel better after he has told me about his day. It does annoy me if he looks a bit bored when I talk about my day though!
In the op dh's case could it be that he is a bit upset at not working himself and this is why he is not liking to talk about her work. It is still BU but perhaps this is the reason. it can be very worrying to be without a job.