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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to kick other half out over step daughter, very complicated.

75 replies

lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 19:55

Sorry for what is a very complicated story , I will say names but they have been changed just to make it a little more easy to follow.

when me and my partner met he had 2 children, chloe and adam, chloe was not his birth daughter however she does not know this as he had always bought her up. adam has aspergers.
there mum is a utter nightmare and tbh the relationships between her and my other half I will never understand and they have both been utter morons.
now chloe is 14 and adam 10, we have adam 10 for weeks at a time although the mum will ring and say im sending him for a week from brighton to London and then 3 weeks later may contact to say she is ready for him back. other half struggles with adam ( this has caused problems between us before ) as I feel neither of the parents are dealing with him in a appropriate way.
right chloe is ok a very demanding teenager but has very little stability she hasn't stayed once at our house, other half pays money for her buys her clothes etc and goes to see her, I like chloe.
now a few weeks ago it all hit the roof as chloe has been moving from friends to friends houses not wanting to be at mums etc ,, adam was sent here for 2 weeks which my partner was angry about and didn't seem to want him for 2 weeks.
I then pick up the house phone to chloe who was in bits saying she had no where to go now she hasn't always been a sweet child to me but she is a 14 yr old girl who is obviously confused. he then goes and picks her up and drops adam and chloe at their nans !!!!!! and ttrying to sort their mum to come collect them which was just causing massive arguments. normally I don't get involved as in the past it got me in trouble. but 2 nights ago I had enough and went to get the 2 of them from their nans bought them to mine and said they were spending xmas with us. other half continued to keep ringing their mum to get her to have them which tbh I wouldn't want them to go now she obviously doesn't care and so he said they can spend xmas as his mums so I flipped out and basically told him to go spend xmas at his bloody mothers but the children are staying here and going to have a good xmas with me , my eldest son and our 2 children !

AIBU, I love my children and I just don't understand it all I really don't !

OP posts:

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/12/2013 21:23

Can I just add a note of caution, in reality you don't have the final say over those two.

I'm firmly team lolalooloo in this scenario, and I'm so impressed and moved by your determination to see that the right thing is done - but you don't have the power to have that say if their parents have other ideas.

I think what I'm worried about is promises being made that can't be kept - through no fault of your own - because of things beyond your control. Heads might understand but hearts still get bruised.

Give them a great Christmas, make it clear you care about them, are there to do what you can and listen to them but you're as much at the mercy of the order of things as they are really. You can be a constant, but not necessarily the solution.

All of that said with a very heavy heart as in a perfect world I would love you to be able to take complete charge of the situation.

Original poster

lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 21:27

oh I know iamsparkly , im not going to make any false promises just really want them to have at least a week of no drama . thank you , you have made me feel better though.

OP posts:

AnnabelleLee · 18/12/2013 21:33

But you knew he had a 14 year old daughter living alone in a flat? And you did nothing, reported it to no-one? I don't understand the applause you are getting here. All the adults connected to these children seem to have failed them utterly. Call the professionals, maybe they will finally get looked after properly.

Original poster

lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 21:40

read my post about that .. I didn't know that and I still don't know the truth behind that ... I have stated that was hear say and it was only recently I got told that.

the contact has always between him and the mum , she had rang the house phone etc yes to speak to her dad for money and stuff.
when we met she lived in the same town as us .. and he saw his kids and spent time with them on his own not with me for a long time. then we started having adam over weekends etc when he moved in with me.
when she moved contact stopped and csa payments started and that's when it really hit the fan I had my say then but I was just the girlfriend.
then slowly adam started coming down but only her terms and then it started to get a lil more heated and a lil bit more un organised with timings.

OP posts:

AnnabelleLee · 18/12/2013 21:44

Right, so its not your problem, sure, you didn't know. Though you must not have been paying much attention. But what are you going to do now? Anything? Or just fanny about like the rest of them?

Original poster

lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 21:49

are you for real ???? !! if it wasn't my problem my oh wouldn't be at his mums house and I wouldn't have 2 step children currently in my living room.
I am trying to do the right thing, by protecting everyone including my own children.
my other half had no input with what my eldest ds done with his son so why shouldi have known what their mum was like at home unless the kids had told me or the full situation I don't live with them I can only go by what oh states which until now has been very 1 sided , meaning he always blamed the mum,.,,,, I am now realising that he hasn't done as much as he has said he has done and I have stepped on after a phone call from step daughter. I don't know step daughter very well I know step son better I didn't know what she would be like in my home but I have still welcomed her with open arms and will make sure that firstly she has a great xmas and then secondly we get her somewhere stable.

OP posts:

pixiepotter · 18/12/2013 21:51

I think you need to keep in mind that these are 2 totally unrelated children.It is mot so smple as you decideing 'Oh their parents are shit, I will take over qand bring them here.It is not your decision.Your heart is in the right place but they are NOT YOUR KIDS!!

antimatter · 18/12/2013 21:55

I think OP know she needs to do something about it.
Let her think about it. If she makes decisions it will affect many people so she has to have time think it through.

Killinascullion · 18/12/2013 22:14

AnnabelleLee: so in your opinion, the OP is stupidly misguided and should have simply contacted SS ages ago rather than trying her best to resolve the situation?

And obviously, SS will send the supernanny fairies in to parent these two children and they will all live happily ever...

Caitlin17 · 18/12/2013 22:20

You are lovely. Those poor children. How on earth does school work?

You seem to be the only point of stability in their lives.

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 18/12/2013 22:22

AnnabelleLee are you deliberately misunderstanding?

The OP appears to be doing her best, and more than most in her position.

If you think that SS will be interested in this situation and these children you are very misguided. They are nowhere near any Children's Social care threshold.

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/12/2013 22:24

Frankly, the OP is waaayyy down the list for people who have failed these children - people who see them (or should see them) on a day to day basis.

How have the school or the parents of the 14 year olds friends whose houses she's been staying in not picked up on what's going on?

OP had every right to have trusted her DP's version of events, you don't automatically put everything your told by a partner under a microscope when you trust them. Now she's realised what's going on she's booted him and took charge of the kids immediate situation.

Spelt out in black and white it's easy to see it's wrong - living a real life situation isn't so clear cut, people aren't perfect.

The saying about 'benefit of hindsight' didn't come from nowhere.

foreverondiet · 18/12/2013 22:48

Difficult.

Def yes to giving them good Christmas - presents - music, clothes, make up, bubble bath, picture frame, costume jewellery, slipper socks.

He might not be her biological father but if she doesn't know then this is irrelevant as he has to behave like he is. If their mum can't cope with them then they are his responsibility.

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/12/2013 22:52

It's just occurred to me the little fact your DP isn't her biological father may come out in a really distressing way if he doesn't sort himself out soon.

If ss get involved surely it's going to be relevant that he's got no legal rights or responsibilities for her?

He might want to take some time to consider what his actions are achieving and what he really wants.

foreverondiet · 19/12/2013 00:21

Does your DH have parental responsibility for Chloe and Adam?

AnnabelleLee · 19/12/2013 08:54

I don't believe I am at all misguided. And if you don't think that a 14 year old abandoned by both her parents to live alone in a flat and then couch surf is of interest to social services, you haven't got a fucking clue about child welfare.

OP is a bit late to be "doing her best". She's been with their father for years, supporting his neglect of his children. What planet are you people on?

maparole · 19/12/2013 10:27

OP is a bit late to be "doing her best". She's been with their father for years, supporting his neglect of his children. What planet are you people on?

For goodness' sake, get off that ridiculously lofty horse, will you? Have you ever had to deal with stepchildren? Can you not understand the complexity of the situation at all?

The OP has quite clearly explained [though I am not sure why she feels she needs to justify herself] that all these issues over the children have only risen to the surface during the last 18 months. It is also obvious from everything she says that she has been doing her best to be a supportive and caring parent figure to a couple of kids who in reality are not her responsibility. I think she is being more than admirable in her willingness to put their needs before her own.

She is the ONLY "adult" in the whole scenario who is doing anything about it. How is your scornful and smug attitude helping, exactly?

( and FWIW, I don't believe SS are going to investigate every 14-year-old girl who ever walked out on her mum and kipped at friends for a bit.)

revivingshower · 19/12/2013 12:12

Op you have done the right thing here and sad you have been obviously so mistaken in your dh. Is the house yours? Can you just take over like this? I mean if you split do you keep the house? I think you will have to talk to SS after Xmas and get it all sorted out legally, but if you and kids are happy still I think they would let them stay with you.

AnnabelleLee · 19/12/2013 12:31

I give up. OP should go ahead and buy the kid loads of bubble bath, that will help.
She didn't kip at her friends for a bit, she was left behind in a flat alone when her parent moved out, and her father didn't bother to take him in. Bit different.
I was taken into care at a similar age, I know plenty about it. But you keep on clapping op on the back and don't bother your arses to actually give a shit about the children here. I'm hiding the thread, its too fucking bizarre to bother with. It's like Shameless met Mumsnet.

WinterWinds · 19/12/2013 13:06

She didn't kip at her friends for a bit, she was left behind in a flat alone when her parent moved out, and her father didn't bother to take him in. Bit different

How is this the OP's fault. She has already stated that she only found out about this recently. Even then it is only Hearsay and Op doesn't know if in fact it is true. She wasn't involved in the DC's lives due to circumstances out of her control. She had no input in their lives. The dc's father is the one at fault here, Not the OP.

moldingsunbeams · 19/12/2013 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 15:48

Surely if SS were so quick to be involved there would be no need for charities like Kids' Company? And unfortunately they can't reach every child that needs them.

AnnabelleLee · 19/12/2013 19:25

they can't if the adults who know about the neglect don't call them, can they?

revivingshower · 19/12/2013 20:11

Certainly its an unusual situation but we can only take the ops word for what happened, but she has no reason to lie. If she knew the girl was being so badly neglected earlier but didn't care, why should she suddenly care now? I can believe she thought the girl was with her mother or grandmother if nobody told her otherwise.
It is bad that this has happened to chloe and probably SS should be involved, but at least she knows the op cares about her.

KittenCamile · 19/12/2013 21:34

When I was 14/15 I had a friend that would stay at ours for a week and then other friends because her dad was a drug addict and her mum didn't notice she existed so never fed her. SS and school didn't give a Shit.

I think it's great you are going to give them a lovely xmas. I would try again with talking to their Dad and maybe call SS in the new year if no reasonable solution can be found. As a step Mum I understand how easy it is to not know exactly what is going on in the family. Unfortunately (for them) you don't have any kind of PR so mum and dad will get the final say, even if it's wrong.

Good luck

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