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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick other half out over step daughter, very complicated.

75 replies

lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 19:55

Sorry for what is a very complicated story , I will say names but they have been changed just to make it a little more easy to follow.

when me and my partner met he had 2 children, chloe and adam, chloe was not his birth daughter however she does not know this as he had always bought her up. adam has aspergers.
there mum is a utter nightmare and tbh the relationships between her and my other half I will never understand and they have both been utter morons.
now chloe is 14 and adam 10, we have adam 10 for weeks at a time although the mum will ring and say im sending him for a week from brighton to London and then 3 weeks later may contact to say she is ready for him back. other half struggles with adam ( this has caused problems between us before ) as I feel neither of the parents are dealing with him in a appropriate way.
right chloe is ok a very demanding teenager but has very little stability she hasn't stayed once at our house, other half pays money for her buys her clothes etc and goes to see her, I like chloe.
now a few weeks ago it all hit the roof as chloe has been moving from friends to friends houses not wanting to be at mums etc ,, adam was sent here for 2 weeks which my partner was angry about and didn't seem to want him for 2 weeks.
I then pick up the house phone to chloe who was in bits saying she had no where to go now she hasn't always been a sweet child to me but she is a 14 yr old girl who is obviously confused. he then goes and picks her up and drops adam and chloe at their nans !!!!!! and ttrying to sort their mum to come collect them which was just causing massive arguments. normally I don't get involved as in the past it got me in trouble. but 2 nights ago I had enough and went to get the 2 of them from their nans bought them to mine and said they were spending xmas with us. other half continued to keep ringing their mum to get her to have them which tbh I wouldn't want them to go now she obviously doesn't care and so he said they can spend xmas as his mums so I flipped out and basically told him to go spend xmas at his bloody mothers but the children are staying here and going to have a good xmas with me , my eldest son and our 2 children !

AIBU, I love my children and I just don't understand it all I really don't !

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 18/12/2013 20:33

Thank god someone is being a parent here.

How is Adam getting an education. How is Chloe suppose to concentrate on her GCSE. These children need some stability and a home.

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2013 20:35

Presents - clothes, smellies, make-up, costume jewellery. Do you know if she has an I-Pod? I-Tunes vouchers.

And so on...

Ullapull · 18/12/2013 20:37

I still don't understand how their schooling works if they are all over the place for long stretches like you describe? Well done for trying to provide a lovely Christmas. You're right they both need stability and routine.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 18/12/2013 20:37

Things that show her she's loved and cared for ....
A key for your house
Slippers- fluffy
Cool beanie hat
Phone cover
Dressing gown
Costa card
Make up
Clothes.

Good luck. YANBU. You are doing the right thing.

pictish · 18/12/2013 20:38

when the mum first moved to brighton 18 months ago , chloe stayed here in London in a flat that belonged to her brother. and people just checked in on her

What are you saying...that Chloe was left in a flat to fend for herself at the age of 12?? Shock

That is absolutely shocking! That poor girl has been failed and let down miserably.
I think after Christmas you should pay a visit to Social Services to seek advice because these kids need help and support. They are not being looked after properly at all, and your partner is negligent and useless.

Liara · 18/12/2013 20:42

I think you are being lovely.

All the things suggested for Chloe would be good, another thing which might mean the world to her is small things (drawings, or bead necklaces, or whatever) made by the little ones. Something that will make her feel like she is part of the family and everyone wants her to be there, iykwim.

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/12/2013 20:43

Balls to making things worse - strictly speaking you've taken the decision to step in and offer them christmas with you as invitations to them as individuals, exclusively (heartbreakingly actually) from you as their dad didn't.

He's free to spend his time bickering over responsibilities with his ex while they get on with their lives in relative peace for a bit.

How much worse can it get before someone else (ss for instance) step in and start dealing exclusively with what these kids need? Their parents may as well get used to the fact they're in no position to be barking out orders when they can't even manage the basics without distressing their own kids.

The selfishness of them astounds me. As rare occurances we all lose our rags, but don't most people still want to minimise any stress on those they love?

As I said previously - Dicks

HoneyStepMummy · 18/12/2013 20:44

Regarding gifts-is your 17 year old a girl? If so I'm sure she would have lots of good ideas and be glad to help.
What where they thinking leaving a 14 year old to live by herself? I'm really not trying to be judgemental but I feel so bad for these kids and am so glad that you are there for them. As I'm sure you know teenagers and SN kids can be a real handful but even more reason to try to be the best parent you can...
Moving past Christmas do you think you can work with your DH to get the kids on track and get a better visitation schedule? Maybe involve Adam's school in getting the support he needs and maybe a counselor or mentor for Chloe?

SummerRain · 18/12/2013 20:44

I agree with getting her bits that will make her feel at home, I love the idea of giving her a house key. Buy a really pretty box for it and a nice keyring and write a little note to put in it saying 'You always have a home here'.

Original poster
lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 20:45

pictish I know as I said I don't know how true that part is. when it all first hit the fan I tried to get involved - it didn't work and it just caused more problems - chloe hated me as I was the new women etc and it wasn't a good situation but I didn't know the ins and outs until other started feeding info.

regarding schools the time before this time when adam and only adam came down it was meant to be for the holidays - he got to his nans first then came to ours which was meant to be for 4 days but his mum switched her phone off, holidays ended and other half rang the school and im guessing made a bullox excuse, e couldn't get hold of his mum the day he was meant to go back so oh took him back to his mums meaning the nans house.
when we finally got hold of her she said her friend was going to collect him and take him for the week back there.
chloe e don't se as much as adam she often just rings when she wants new trainers or something , so I have no idea where she has been or what she has been doing. im planning on having a proper one 2 one chat with her but I have given her a few days to like settle.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 20:47

no honey sorry his a boy :) ... and wouldn't have a clue haha im used to play stations and stuff I have one dd but she is not ye a teen so still at the playmobile stage.

the key is a great idea !!!!! , I might actually get her a new bed too .

OP posts:
Iamsparklyknickers · 18/12/2013 20:47

Tea the suggestion of a house key actually bought a lump to my throat - that's really lovely.

Expanding on that has her phone network got one of those packages that lets you pick a number to have as an emergency contact if you've run out of credit so you can always get hold of someone if you're in trouble? It'd be nice to get her that with your house number on if you were prepared for it to be used.

Lilicat1013 · 18/12/2013 20:47

You are a really lovely person, your partner sounds like an idiot. I couldn't stay with someone like that. Someone who couldn't put his own children first.

It is so great of your to do this.

Floralnomad · 18/12/2013 20:49

Is it practical for you to keep these children full time because that sounds like the best solution ,that way you can stop paying the mum which sounds like its a complete waste of money anyway.

AnnabelleLee · 18/12/2013 20:51

Why did you have 2 children with a man who was such a shit parent to the children he already has?

Original poster
lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 20:52

flora probably if I thought about it logically its unpractical but I can work on it being practical if that makes sense and I would. I would need to re organise a few things :/

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 18/12/2013 20:53

What a mess, them poor kids, thank god you have stepped in. I'd make sure 2014 started with a major discussion about concrete arrangements, these kids need stability not pushed from pillow to post. Where is their Mother in this ?.

Original poster
lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 20:58

Annabelle when I had my children none of this was an issue it has all been since she moved away. and tech I only have 1 child with him.

OP posts:
annielouisa · 18/12/2013 20:59

I think you're a star and hope you and all the children have a lovely time. The parents sound like a waste of space who have caused the majority of their children's issues.

HoneyStepMummy · 18/12/2013 21:03

So your DH has four children, 2 with you and Chloe and Adam. Why has he chosen to be a parent to two of them but not the other two? And even though I applaud you for doing the right thing it makes me angry that this has been put on you. How is your MIL/Nan? Is she supportive and good to the kids? Can she possibly get through to your DH or provide support to Chloe?
My stepdaughter can be a real pain (like most teens) but I would never, never throw her out of the house nor leave her in a flat by herself at 14.

Spottybra · 18/12/2013 21:05

About the presents, if you are intent that the dc are remaining with you why not some personal items such as new pyjamas, slippers/fluffy socks, onesie if they are into them, bedsheets/duvet sets, perfume, a cute teddy bear and clothes are always good for teenage girls. You could try a book each too, I loved little women at that age. I read it first at 10 but kept rereading it over the years and picking up passages that hadn't seemed important at first.

AnnabelleLee · 18/12/2013 21:07

you said your eldest son and "our 2 children". And it seems like the issues have been a lot longer than a year and a half, in truth.
Call social services. These children need protecting, and neither of their parents seems able to step up and do it.

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 18/12/2013 21:10

Did he leave and go to his mothers???

Original poster
lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 21:11

Annabelle, I took my oh as face value and I wasn't aware of the extent of the drama.
he has been there for my ds 2 since he was 3 months old and my ds is very aware he isn't his ather but calls him dad.
obviously if I knew this would happen I may have thought more carfully

OP posts:
Original poster
lolalooloo · 18/12/2013 21:12

I hope so doasyouwould otherwise I have no idea where he is.

btw mil is great with the kids and does do as much as she can.

OP posts: