to co sleep, let ds work it out himself and generally wait it out?

[darjeelingdarling]

I never envisaged cosleeping but actually I'm now surprised I didn't think it would go like this!

I'm extremely sensitive to children's needs; am an asd teacher and very child centred/ asd in approach to how I work with them (as in I allow for the asd and work with it to move the child on and develop social understanding at their own pace. I'm lucky that we are a school that believes in this).

my ds is now 1 and was low birth weight - I had terrible anxiety during pregnancy and some after too. sertraline helped a lot. he's been a 'terrible' sleeper (or completely normal?!) since birth - we had some silent reflux and a uti then antibiotics leading to prophylactic antibiotics and he's always seemed to find sleeping hard - better though since he's learnt to sleep on his front. I'm sure I'm guilty of over-reacting to his night cries, on the other hand he's often clearly been in pain and does appear to sleep better if he's with me. I bf and bf to sleep as I simply have had to get the sleep as I went back to work when he was 9 months and work is both physically and mentally tough. dh works long hours too including frequently needing to go to functions etc (he and partner set up own architecture practice 3 years ago).

oh and ds has had such a bloody run of illnesses that it's been the only way to get through - me propped on pillows and him stuck to boob!

dh has been extremely keen ti cio / sleep train since ds was tiny - we've tried just putting him in the cot etc - I was struggling to sleep myself due to pnd and a struggling thyroid, ds decided he would only settle with me (not just boob) and dh in reality
simply didn't have the patience to deal with the screaming (all of 3 mins )

thing is ds is an extremely happy contented and secure little chap and rarely screams as I either stuff my boob in or calpol I have wondered if it's because I've been sleeping with him as he only really gets any separation worries at night (or if poorly)

we were putting him in cot and then with me first wake up partly for safety (either half an hour or 2 hours max) but then it seemed silly as ds was then fully awake and knew he'd be carried into our room then I'd have to feed to sleep again. I noticed if he went to sleep with me on our bed/ bedside cot he was a) sleeping longer b) not fully waking when he did and just a quick suckle or cuddle and back to sleep.

plus, he's now started crawling away from me to go to sleep - sometimes several times but I feel at least he's getting the idea. I feel like I'm modelling how to sleep - as I model stuff at work and model for ds (he's currently very into cleaning things with wipes!).

we have phases when he's well where he wants to sleep in the bedside cot, and phases, as at the mo, post ear infection and started teething where he needs to sleep cuddled up to me.

I've read 3 in a bed, isis online, the evolutionary parent website and basically just have this gut feeling that it's normal and natural and right for him.

'it' (poor sleep or mummies being too soft!) may be genetic as it appears I was bf and didn't sleep till 2.5 and my mum recently admitted she just put me in between them. my sister ended up doing the same with her daughter too.

I'm a member of lll and a fb group on which sleep seems to be the main thing!

aibu? will I have to 'night wean'? another reason I do this is I'd like to continue bf, can't express at work (3 days) but my supply is strong due to the night feeds. when well he's not a huge boob monster in the day time so I feel he'll grow out of it when he's ready and he's developed more concepts/ language etc?

am I deluded?!

Jesus you are massively over thinking stuff! Probably your job but seriously you need to relax.

If he sleeps ok in with you and you don't mind them let him.

If he doesn't then don't.

If the situation changes in the future then change routines.

that's it.

DD1 never coslept.

DD2 has pretty much from birth as she was a monkey. Then DD1 got jealous and creeped in.

16 months on I booted them both out last night as I'm pg and need the space. Bit of crying and cuddles required but not too bad.

If you're happy to do it, and if it works for your DS then go ahead.

The way he sleeps, eats, moves etc now will change so much in a short space of time, and yes he will grow out of it and develop new ways.

My motto is that as a parent (especially at night) is that "you just do what you have to do to make it through".

Some kids sleep and some don't. It isn't always something you as a mum can control - although the books will tell you otherwise! - sometimes it's just the child's personality. I have 2 DC's and notice a big difference, although both breastfed for same length of time, even the way they fed was different.

You seem to be doing a great job, so carry on with it. One thing is maybe try to not come across as smug or preachy when talking to people who don't share your ideals.

I guess I'd like to hear other's experiences - I know no baby is the same - but sometimes I worry I'm being daft!

a close friend often says her daughter's nursery teacher, who she regards as an amazing, down to earth fantastic woman, often says 'I can't see what all the fuss about cosleeping is; I slept with all 3 of mine and they all turned out fine!'

I also feel (I'm 37) I don't want to miss a second of my son's life and possibly can't sleep without him now!!!

DS1 hated co-sleeping and always has. We were all miserable if we ever tried it.

At one DS2 was a 10-7 co-sleeper. At 18mo he slept in his own bed. Now a year later he is often back in our bed - there is a new baby and I think he needs the reassurance.

Same family, very different needs. I have no fear that any of them will want to share past puberty

I'm more concerned that your DH isn't being more supportive. He isn't involved in the night wakings but thinks he gets to say when sleep training should happen? No.

YANBU. Do what works for you all, and it'll all sort itself out long term. DS co slept, fed loads in the night (and was ill from 6 months to 18 months) - but by 18 months he slept through the night on his own, and was an amazing sleeper. Since 18 months he literally only wakes if really ill - nothing wakes him at all.
Friends told us we had to sleep train, making a rod for our backs etc. Long term, ds is the best sleeper of all of the children. Proves nothing of course, but thats our experience

thanks for your replies - I definitely over think things if my gut says different to other people!

I agree about the smug thing - hope that didn't sound preachy at start - I think I just realise I'm possibly over sensitive sometimes however it is extremely useful at work when noticing tiny things in children who can't talk that have led to enormous melt downs! I guess I wonder if it's therefore me being ott.

If it works for you :)

It never occurred to me or DH to have the baby in bed with us I don't think I'd be able to relax properly but everyone's different!

What country are you in? Why can't you express at work?

I have a daughter who is 22 months old. We breastfeed and co-sleep (partly)

When she was 0-6 months she slept in a moses basket right next to our bed. BF on demand was easy that way and she settled well in it.

Moved her into her cot (in our room) at 6 months. She would feed to sleep for naps or get really sleepy and I'd bounce her to sleep in her bouncer then transfer to her cot. For nighttime she would do the same and sleep for at least 3hrs before waking and I would feed her to sleep again then transfer to cot. Around 9 months when she woke in the night for a feed I would fall asleep feeding her so she'd just stay in our bed. (safe co-sleeping of course)

We moved the cot to her own room at 18 months old. Now she sleeps from around 8pm (fed/rocked to sleep) in her own room in her cot until 2am-3am (ish) I go get her when she wakes and we feed to sleep in our bed where she stays until morning and wakes around 7am.

Works for us. We have a big bed which helps. ;)

Just do what u feel is right ds 4 months is a half cosleeper will come in with me some nights if he wont settle and others hes happy in hes basket
Whatever gets u all a good nights sleep I say!
I also have a 4 year old that regularly finds hes way into our bed which started about a year ago, again plenty of people tell me I shouldn't allow it but I'm not going to fight about it at 2/3/4 am and wake the entire household when all I have to do it budge up a bit

It sounds to me like the only problem is your DH. Our DS isn't the greatest sleeper. He is in the family bed every night snuggled up to either mummy or daddy breastfeeding when he needs to and we are all three of us perfectly happy and never worry about phases or bad habits or learning to sleep or modelling sleep or sleep gurus or what other people do.

Is this an essay for some course?! You are over-thinking, if a child is happy they are happy and if they're not they're not and they'll soon let you know. Period.

Oh look, it's one of those rude for no reason, one liner bomb droppers.

Wake up on the wrong side of bed this morning monkeynuts?

My sister parents in a very similar way you've described. I don't.

I would like to but the reality is it drives me insane. Im 34 weeks pregnant with dc 6 & I've had enough! I want to be normal.

I hate co sleeping. A necessary evil. Bf? Oh gawd...its an extension of being pregnant. BLW -Yeah?!

Its each to their own. Whatever works for you. I like routine, structure etc. I wasn't always like this & ds1 who was a horrendous sleeper,still slept in my bed at 7.

My ds' s have ASD. I know whst amazing people their teachers are. Stop worrying. Your ds is lucky to have such a lovely mum. Do whatever you need or want to do!!

If what you're doing works for you then there's no need to change it. Your DS is only 1 and yes, it's perfectly possible for you to carry on the way you are and eventually he'll night wean and move into his own bed. It's impossible to say when this would happen as all children are different, but I can tell you how it worked out for me.

DS1- co-slept until he was 2.5 and night weaned around about the same time. Stopped bf totally at about 3.5. He moved into his own bed gradually. Starting off the night there and coming through to us about midnight. This gradually reduced in frequency and until he was staying there (around 4).

DS2- still co-sleeping at 3.5, night weaned around 3.

There's no need to sleep train unless you want to.

Do whatever you need to do to get rest, sleep and be calm!

If it works stick with it!

Ds never co slept as he was like a flipping chimpanzee! It was never going to work.

Dd is in and out of our bed at the moment. Sickness, bugs, age problems with colic.

Whatever gets you through the day op!

Do what works for you, despite what we are lead to believe there is no 'one way' that works for a child. If everyone is getting sleep-go with it. My ds naturally stopped co sleeping at about 4 months, we were waking him, and he Wehrmacht into his own room. I was slated for putting him into his own room so young, but the alternative was have him in our room for longer and no one get any sleep!

CMOT - I agree, I believe rods are for fishing with, which I know he'll soon enough be doing with dh.

yes dh is a whole other aibu thread

he really wanted to help out and do the night wakings and did when younger though I now realise we possibly tried too early - there was a lot of screaming, ds would go back to sleep but generally wake an hour later or less. this would get worse till ds was with me. I also feel he then panicked more and didn't relax enough to sleep due to inconsistency. (tried ncss) it was partly to try to get me more sleep but actually I couldn't as was hyperalert even with ear plugs.

dh has had huuuuuge issues of his own.

he has believed that ds is too small and should be 25th centile + rather than just below (amazingly consistently since he piled on the weight after birth. I had a small but healthy placenta)

v supportive of bf but obsessed with sleep fully believing that it's something we can control / mould. however since weaning he's been a nightmare to live with - ds wasn't keen on food till recently (again I now know normal) and dh was obsessed with how much he bf, his nutrition, how much he ate and would get angry with me frequently. at one point he was weighing him two or three times weekly. (I now see it as a form of pnd in him - it was all anxiety based worrying)

I started to get over my pnd at around 6 mo but had to start sertraline to cope with my reaction to his constant food/weight/ obsessions on top of getting my brain back together after a thyroid slump and returning to work/ ds going to nursery.

two weeks ago I read out the nutritional benefits of bf in the second year (vitamin break down - I wouldn't give a shit if dh wasnt vitamin obsessed and it popped up on the lll fb group) and he fumed that I should only be bf once in morning and once at night. the ensuing argument (in which I really kept my cool due to pills!) resulted in him saying 'when he grows up I'm going to tell him he's so small cos his mum bf him too much!'

he has deep seated worries which he can't admit to re ds's weight/ height/ development etc. and blames me due to bf on demand. I've even borrowed 'my child won't eat' (except he does. a lot currently.) which dh had flicked through and still doesn't get it.

ds is trying to stand, climbs stairs, likes to draw, can open make up pots etc. etc....

as I said, a whole other thread.....

and probably why I'm over thinking it.

I hate co sleeping, luckily so did dd1

I still hate co sleeping but dd2 has other ideas.

I am refusing to give in, sometimes she comes in of a morning bwtween 6-7 but thats it

with an activle
toddler I can't sleep with her all the time and atm she seems reliant on my or dh's presence to sleep. can't be dealing with that at all (Even naps)

I don't even bf

sorry can't keep up!

thank you for your replies.

nail on head - essay - yes, due to dh and 6 months of trying my best to cope with everything and everyones needs. inc my own too.

simply not a second to spare to express at work!!! I was offered the play therapy room and tried successfully the first week but the second week I spent half an hour sorting out a taxi who refused to take a child who'd weed in the morning till he had pull ups on, missed my time, and had to do staff meeting, and then my supply adapted.

I do like cosleeping - and so does ds. dh has crappy sleep anyway and had to sleep with ear plugs when it was just me let alone ds too. he's a bit grumbly about not being in with me/ us but it would be no different for him if he slept with me and ds in nursery or as it is. I'd probably sleep in spare room anyway. he has said he has no issue with cosleeping if ds slept (!!) not really getting the point that it's just easier all round to be consistent and proactively cosleep AT THE MOMENT as it's simply more predictable.

also, I find it easier to tell if ds is waking due to temp which we have to keep a n eye on in case of uti as he has bladder reflux.

sorry I realise I'm going on a bit.....

it's been bloody hard being a new mum in ways I never thought!

I think you both need to dereg from any Facebook groups and social media. Burn every parenting book in a ritual fire then go look at your baby. Look what he's doing. Play work him. Give him dinner. Get him to sleep however you can.

And just live.

And whenever either of you starts to discuss anything but his amazingness again then be each others stopper.

thank you softly. I'm not sure how to?

I spend all my spare time trying to prepare responses to dh's next 'thing'. hence needing support of social media. I'm trying to work out what is ressonable and what is not. eg: I was putting on my (several layers of) slipper socks in the bathroom this morning, ds nipped behind my back, grabbed a bottle, put it in the loo then hung over the rim to admire his handy work. dh saw, looked aghast and said (as I peeled ds away from loo) "oh no, wash his hands, you are going to wash his hands aren't you?!" (in an accusational manner, as if I wasn't going to)

his latest 'this child is always ill/ not big enough' is that he's catching too many germs from the floor. (he's at nursery 2 days a week)

now I did alevel biology / watched 'how clean is your house' and know that 1) there are more bacteria in the kitchen sink and 2)kids catch a lot of stuff and 3) most colds are viruses caught from other people and 4) 5 shreddies lying on the floor are not going to kill our child.

thing is, in another 'this child doesn't eat/ sleep' argument he said he'd report me to ss if I didn't give him his vitamins.

one version of, we later discovered, were probably giving ds tummy ache as had added iron. ds hates the new one so I just give the plain vit d. dh doesn't know this.

I try and say things like "oh he's posting things/ looking to see what happens if.../ silly billy baby/ etc etc" but dh doesn't seem to get it?

how do I be his stopper any more than I am trying?

sorry, venting and trying to make sense of my life. (off sick, ds in nursery only second day to myself since he was born)

will add your philosophy to my own softly and try and focus my self fully on that and try and help dh to too. he has no idea how lucky we are.

a happy child will learn.
listen to the little things when they're little or they may not tell you the big things when they're big.

Your problem is with your dh. Could you persuade him to have a conversation with your GP abut his anxiety issues, and your HV about the nutrition issues (providing your HV is a sympathetic supporter of breastfeeding!)

However, I also feel that if your dh is not sleeping well because of the co-sleeping, and is suffering from depression/anxiety, then lack of sleep can only make things worse. Do you have a spare room that either you or dh could move into temporarily, or at a certain point in the night, to ensure that everyone is getting enough sleep.

OP I think you are doing everything fine, co-sleeping is great and what our babies generally want. BFing is THE best thing for your babu and is what they were meant to eat. IF DH thinks your DS is small on BM then that is how your DS is meant to be

Really IMO I think your DH has some issues around control and these issues are getting to you. How you deal with them is really down to you. I woud be inclined to ignore him and do as I felt was best. That works in my house as DP trusts me to do the best for our dc's. My friend can't be like that as her DP has to know the current guidelines and struggles with going on instinct. She now gives him research articles to read regarding bfing, or reading with LO's. You need to work out how to do the right thing by DS and not make DP more controlling or feel so out of control IYSWIM

IMO Vit drops aren't needed with a full varied diet. NOne of mine ever had vits. They have all co-slept at some point and are al happy well adjusted. They are happy with strangers and not clingy.

People always assume that if you babywear or co-sleep you will have dc's that can't be put down but I find you get the opposite