to co sleep, let ds work it out himself and generally wait it out?

[darjeelingdarling]

I never envisaged cosleeping but actually I'm now surprised I didn't think it would go like this!

I'm extremely sensitive to children's needs; am an asd teacher and very child centred/ asd in approach to how I work with them (as in I allow for the asd and work with it to move the child on and develop social understanding at their own pace. I'm lucky that we are a school that believes in this).

my ds is now 1 and was low birth weight - I had terrible anxiety during pregnancy and some after too. sertraline helped a lot. he's been a 'terrible' sleeper (or completely normal?!) since birth - we had some silent reflux and a uti then antibiotics leading to prophylactic antibiotics and he's always seemed to find sleeping hard - better though since he's learnt to sleep on his front. I'm sure I'm guilty of over-reacting to his night cries, on the other hand he's often clearly been in pain and does appear to sleep better if he's with me. I bf and bf to sleep as I simply have had to get the sleep as I went back to work when he was 9 months and work is both physically and mentally tough. dh works long hours too including frequently needing to go to functions etc (he and partner set up own architecture practice 3 years ago).

oh and ds has had such a bloody run of illnesses that it's been the only way to get through - me propped on pillows and him stuck to boob!

dh has been extremely keen ti cio / sleep train since ds was tiny - we've tried just putting him in the cot etc - I was struggling to sleep myself due to pnd and a struggling thyroid, ds decided he would only settle with me (not just boob) and dh in reality
simply didn't have the patience to deal with the screaming (all of 3 mins )

thing is ds is an extremely happy contented and secure little chap and rarely screams as I either stuff my boob in or calpol I have wondered if it's because I've been sleeping with him as he only really gets any separation worries at night (or if poorly)

we were putting him in cot and then with me first wake up partly for safety (either half an hour or 2 hours max) but then it seemed silly as ds was then fully awake and knew he'd be carried into our room then I'd have to feed to sleep again. I noticed if he went to sleep with me on our bed/ bedside cot he was a) sleeping longer b) not fully waking when he did and just a quick suckle or cuddle and back to sleep.

plus, he's now started crawling away from me to go to sleep - sometimes several times but I feel at least he's getting the idea. I feel like I'm modelling how to sleep - as I model stuff at work and model for ds (he's currently very into cleaning things with wipes!).

we have phases when he's well where he wants to sleep in the bedside cot, and phases, as at the mo, post ear infection and started teething where he needs to sleep cuddled up to me.

I've read 3 in a bed, isis online, the evolutionary parent website and basically just have this gut feeling that it's normal and natural and right for him.

'it' (poor sleep or mummies being too soft!) may be genetic as it appears I was bf and didn't sleep till 2.5 and my mum recently admitted she just put me in between them. my sister ended up doing the same with her daughter too.

I'm a member of lll and a fb group on which sleep seems to be the main thing!

aibu? will I have to 'night wean'? another reason I do this is I'd like to continue bf, can't express at work (3 days) but my supply is strong due to the night feeds. when well he's not a huge boob monster in the day time so I feel he'll grow out of it when he's ready and he's developed more concepts/ language etc?

am I deluded?!

Your husband's anxiety and controlling behaviour are the issue here, not your son's normal-sounding development, sleeping, eating etc. He needs to see his GP and access help in controlling what he can control -his own behaviour.

For what it's worth, my son is 20 months. If there was one thing I could time travel to tell myself 20 months ago (I had lactation failure and went out of my mind with anxiety about feeding him formula), it would be 'In most situations bar serious illness, allergy etc, you don't have to do anything. Wait it out. Don't borrow trouble from the future -if it's working now, go with it. And don't panic.'

Yes. Your DH sounds either ill or terribly controlling. Is HE concerned about his (own) behaviour and anxieties or does he think he's being totally reasonable?

I am particularly worried by his comment "I'll report you to SS if you don't give vitamins" - not because it's a valid worry - SS wouldn't give him the time of day I don't think - but because it's bizarre, it either comes from a place of threatening you, trying to scare/bully you into his way of thinking, or utter desperate fear on his part, ie, he's genuinely worried that your DS is at dire risk if you don't give him the vitamins (or extrapolate this to any issue) and he must be extreme when calling for you to change that because he can't understand why you don't see it's so important.

Your DH does not sound like a well man. At all. I'm horrified by most of the things you've written about him here. Is he getting any help for his anxiety? Can you SEE it now you've written it down? Threatening to report your wife to SS for not giving vitamins (we don't give any at all!) is not normal.

Your son on the other hand sounds perfectly normal and your way of coping with a baby sounds fine too (we just do whatever works until it stops working, then try something else).

thanks. it's extremely helpful to read other's experiences and opinions.

he hasn't been able to admit his anxiety as he feels it's the right thing to do as a dad. (care about his nutrition etc) I was struggling a lot at one point as I was very shaken re the bladder reflux thing and never knew he had a uti at 4mo (had gone to Dr about normal reflux. which he did have a little of) so got very worried about what symptoms to look for. I know I was depressed and dh had to look after me too - so I think he felt I was deluded about bfing.

but I also know how much he reads the nutritional content of formula and insists on the follow on stuff for nursery. (I hate that stuff but let it go for peace)

dh sleeps in spare room. with ear plugs. I know he used to stay awake to try and see what I was doing - bf back to sleep. blaming night feeds for lack of ds interest in food. but I also know dhs perception is very skewed. dh loves his food!!!!

I put dh through hell in pregnancy worrying about a load of stuff and was off sick with AND in this end. I was loopy. now I'm so laid back about ds I've wondered if dh is having a delayed phase in response to mine.

believe me I probably have all the research papers ever written on sleep and bf etc now to try to reassure myself I'm not mad. and assure dh. he won't read them though. I'm on the point of participating in research by prof Helen Ball simply so she can reassure dh! (no I'm not going to but I could as she's near by!)

I'm simply trying to wait it out with dh and let lo teach/ prove to him that it will be ok (which so far he has!)

yep tried hv tact - sadly best hv had left (she had basically winked and said she thought I was doing the right thing) and second hv got wrong end of stick with dh and proposed feeding in morning and night (I think she thought I wanted this).

a Dr was trying to convince me lo had cmpi (might have had a little but def not now) so we had a gastro appt. stupid male Dr tried to tell me how many times to bf in a day. however he DID tell dh that lo did not need iron and bf at night did not cause extra wind which wakes lo up. (oh yeah just remembered that one - dh reckoned milk on milk caused wind ) but not to feed just before food. yeah try telling ds that! after apt lo fed 4 times (teething) then immediately ate 3 fish fingers.

weekends have been hard as if I fed lo near 'lunch time' (ie ds asked) dh would get cross and tell me that's why he's not eating. I'd do it secretly. 3 times dh has physically pulled lo off the breast.

as I say the only way I can understand all this is that dh has an actual anxiety issue - and that his misguided beliefs were what he fully believed. sadly a good friend of his is a gp and dad to 3 and gave him the 'they're manipulative as babies' talk. and that I was the one needing help - which I did due to thyroid stress.

sorry off on one again.....

I think he's controlling as he's sooooo anxious about our son's well being.

this is wasting so much of my time but I feel I have to constantly be ready to defend the next issue.

he has apologised for the ss comment.

I'm not totally innocent. I did throw a stuffed toy at him once following a 'why are you needing him it's breakfast time' rant and told him I hated him twice when sobbing from total exhaustion / following an argument.

it's totally bonkers.

I've invited his parents for xmas to help - his mum has started to notice his worried he gets about ds eating.

I get frustrated as I am a teacher, (of autistic children) did biology (alevel), nearly became an anatomist, very interested in evolution, biology, sensible nutrition, behaviour and development etc etc, kept dogs, horses, goats, etc. dh used to say 'youll make a great mum'. I'm guilty of not having enough patience with dh though.

sorry rambling......

*feeding

Your dh sounds like really hard work OP and I'm not surprised you've tied yourself in knots around his neuroses. It's what sensitive people do IME. I think the co-sleeping thing would be good news for you and your son. Hopefully your husband should relax as the baby grows up. Sure it'll all come out in the wash.

Physically removing ds from your breast would be a massive red flag for me. No matter what your dh believes regarding nutrition etc. this was completely wrong. Your dh's behaviour is not normal. It won't stop when you stop breast feeding or co-sleeping, he will simply move his anxiety onto something else and seek to control that thing, or person. He needs to seek help for his anxiety/depression.

I know. I know he's a good man though. I think he's been reaching his limit in many ways. I'm dreading potty training!

my dad reckons that the whole equality thing is a little to blame as dh so wants to be a 'hands on dad' whereas my dad just did what my mum said in regards to our care. dh is one of 3 boys though (middle child) and so probably only remembers the bits where his dad was involved. plus the 'too much info thing' - ie centiles. I actually tried to hide the red book and took the battery out of the scales which offended dh - he said that was weird and I didn't trust him. I've tried to explain he doesn't trust me (as in I wouldn't do anything that impeded lo) but he says he does

I don't think the "equality" thing is to blame. I think your dh's mental health is to blame, and needs to be addressed. Your actions in hiding the red book and removing the batteries from the scales show how out of control and how far from normal the whole situation is.

I guess I'm at a loss as to how to tackle it. boundaries keep moving.

he had issues with his sleep as he reckoned it harmed lo's development. then it was the eating. (lack of. I know know we had a lot of teething plus bf babies often take a while to get into food) then it was the bf too much stopping him from eating. but then, he's popped out with oh well at least he'll get antibodies from your bf (when lo ill) and been heartily grateful I'm bf when lo is ill as that's all lo will take.

what I have done is apologise for being a moody cow at the weekend - I'd tried to express some of this stuff and he came back with 'why are you still with me then - and said I still love him but there are a few things I feel frustrate us both but I hope that we can ride them out and ultimately resolve them. he kind of said ditto.

I've started writing stuff in bullet points eg what is important, the bigger picture etc and phrases that upset me due to all the incidents I've mentioned below. I'm waiting for a time we can calmly discuss it and then I'm going to ask him to write responses, so he can focus and think carefully. rather than the random stuff .hr comes out with.

he just wants a 7 year old to play with NOW and is too impatient.

oh and I suspect he picked on the short ginger kids at school. (lo is looking decidedly red haired. dh had a big grump about that. but did listen to me when I pointed out he was healthy etc.) so he wants ds to be tall and athletic. seriously, there's noooooooo worry there, this kid is running me into to ground!!!

(another reason I want to be as attached as possible; I foresee a little monkey in the making )

Has he ever been controlling about other things in the past?

Oh god I think you are parenting your DH. I didn't realise how anxious you were from first post but it sounds to me like you are both anxious, with your DH being a bit emotionally abusive with it. I think you need to talk to your hv about everything and I mean everything, everything you've written here. You are doing your very best to be a good mum in difficult circumstances. Your DH is is controlling your behaviour through the things that matter most to you, a combination of your wish to be a good mum and your belief in your professional knowledge. I would be very concerned about what his behaviour will become if/when you challenge him. Go and get some support asap and pulling baby off the breast is abusive to baby and you, he is jealous of your baby. Keep a careful eye on his behaviour and trust your instincts with baby and get some support..

apologies for late reply; two tiring days at work and two massive tonsils!

controlling before - not in as much as .ae, only I guess as I may have been with him about getting too carried away on drunken night's out etc. he can get frustrated by how I like to spend time on things eg birthday cake, home printed cards, gardening. (I can get a leeeedle carried away!) this is why I see it as totally from an anxiety pov - he was also worried for my health too regarding sleep but I quickly realised it was making me more stressed trying to do all the sleep training nonsense with a child who clearly had other ideas, but Dh couldn't see this.

I've asked hv and drs before if I should be concerned re weight etc (and that dh is). I cannot imagine trying to explain all this to the hv!

he seems to be calming at mo as ds has been eating a lot this week so I'm going to wait till we can have a sensible discussion and explain how certain ongoing comments still affect me - eg 'your choice' in relation to my limited social life or negative comments about los eating and of course the taking off breast thing.

I also think that as ds is just beginning to try to communicate, dhs opinions will change - ds is beginning to do his own signs for food etc.

it's just been bloody hard at times as I've felt like I'm living with an ofsted inspector!