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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dp being unreasonable if he doesn't come to the nativity?

36 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:10

There are 3 performances. He didn't come last year to the first one because he 'didn't think' to book any time off. He was going to skive off early to come this week, but now apparently things have changed at work and this won't be possible, unless he books half a day off.

He has holiday left which renews in Jan, but he likes to save some.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 16/12/2013 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/12/2013 18:13

He doesnt want to go. We need to know the reason before we cant decide if he's u reasonable or not.

What do you think is the reason?

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:16

I don't know the reason, if he really wanted to go I think he'd have sorted the time off weeks ago. Instead he says he'll sort it out by skiving off.

I think he will come if I force the issue, but I don't know if I should force the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:20

He is under a certain amount of pressure at work, he was supposed to be on a job tomorrow which would enable him to leave early and someone cover for him. Now it will be a case of him having to book it, he will say he doesn't want to use the holiday as he doesn't get sick pay so wants to save it for next year.

I don't see the nativity as a waste of half a days holiday though.

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YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/12/2013 18:21

He doesnt want to go. That much we can tell. But what we cant know is why and that is the issue between you two. Not going to the nativity is just the symptom. Is this out of charactet or true to form?

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:24

A bit of both really, he'll generally come to things if prompted and reminded.

I work part time in a more flexible job so it's my responsibility to sort out all that type of thing.

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FredFredGeorge · 16/12/2013 18:25

He's not being unreasonable if he simply doesn't want to go... So no.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:27

Surely he should want to go? No?

OP posts:
AngryFeet · 16/12/2013 18:27

I don't know, DH rarely comes to the kids performances. He is always very busy at work and it seems silly for him to book most of the day off to come (his commute is at least an hour) when DC don't really mind as long as one of us is there. I work but only 4 days and am able to shift my days around easily if necessary.

But if you and DC really want him there then he is BU.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:28

That's fair enough angry feet, this is why I wanted to ask before I say anything.

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MojaveWanderer · 16/12/2013 18:29

Jeez if he doesn't want to go he doesn't want to go, it's not a crime, it doesn't mean he's a bad husband & father.
I don't want to go to my kids nativity's either, unfortunately if I don't go they would have no one there. Luckily they are too old for them now Wink

blackandwhiteandredallover · 16/12/2013 18:31

I think the question is, do the DC want him there? Is he involved in school in other ways- does he do pick up/drop off ever?

I know my DD would have been over the moon if DH had come to her play, but she wasn't upset by the fact that he didn't, and I took lots of pictures which he made suitably appreciative noises over.

If he thinks he's going to be given a hard time in work over it I wouldn't push him personally.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:33

I didn't say it was a crime, I asked the question that's all.

I'm fairly new to all this, last year he didn't come and I didn't say a word.

It would be nice for ds to have us both there and nice for me to have someone to sit by, smile when ds does his bit, that's all.

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thebody · 16/12/2013 18:34

my dh worked away a lot but when home still hated stuff like this so he stayed home with other children and cooked etc while I went.

he did loads if other stuff with them that I didn't want to though.

it's not the law and if he's under pressure at work then that's more important.

Salmotrutta · 16/12/2013 18:35

I don't think DH ever took time off to go to a daytime play/nativity/dancing thing. I was the stay-at-home parent to that was the way we divided the stuff like that up.

I wish I'd had the option of not going...

Being forced to sit through a "performance" that features about 30 odd kids and seeing your own for all of about 2 minutes is boring.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:36

He's only involved if he's already got a day off, but he does work long days.

Ds would like him there of course and it will make his day, but I don't think he will get upset if he's not as he's used to me doing all the school stuff.

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FredFredGeorge · 16/12/2013 18:38

If he never wanted to see his child in a performance or doing an activity or similar then that would be bad - if he's just not interested in going to a nativity because it's pretty dull, it's pretty inconvenient etc. then I think it's fine.

If you mostly want him there for some one to talk to, then it suggests maybe you don't really want to go, but are doing it out of duty?

Salmotrutta · 16/12/2013 18:38

Also, as far as I'm aware, not attending a Nativity isn't a "symptom" of anything Hmm ... apart from being not very enamoured of attending Nativity plays.

theeternalstudent · 16/12/2013 18:40

I think that it's sad that he doesn't want to be there, or at least isn't making more of an effort to be there.
Heaven and earth couldn't stop me from being at DD's Nativity, but then she is my PFB.

DD would be distraught if I wasn't there. Luckily I'm off anyway but even if I wasn't I would be more than happy to take a day off.

SheRaHasTheAnswer · 16/12/2013 18:41

I sometimes wish I had the excuse of work so I didn't have to go! Unfortunately I sat through 3 last week!

The thought of nativity is nicer than the reality of a packed hall and short children you can't see.

I think you don't need to worry about any implications of him not being there if he is otherwise lovely. And I also think you deserve a token of appreciation for actually attending- he therefore can do x,y,z whilst you do whatever you please! :-)

manicinsomniac · 16/12/2013 18:42

Not being able to go because you're working isn't unreasonable.
Not wanting to go isn't unreasonable.
Not going if you can and your child wants you there is unreasonable.

I didn't go to my 6 year old's nativity and I was in the same building at the time it was going on. But I was teaching so nothing I could do about it.

I didn't see my 11 year old's musical in march either because I directed it so I was backstage the whole time. Sucks but it's work.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 16/12/2013 18:42

I think I'm a bit annoyed because I sat through a pretty horrendous 'work do' with him at the weekend.

It involved me arranging ds to stay at my mums in her cramped one bed place, driving 2 hours away, eating processed turkey and watching women in gold sparkly hot pants dance to Robin Thick blurred lines, while the DJ repeatedly asked all the 'hottest bitches' in the place to get up and dance if they were having sex tonight. I begged him to go alone but he insisted.

I feel that he owes me one.

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SheRaHasTheAnswer · 16/12/2013 18:45

Jesus, I think that warrants a whole weekend of you doing fuck all. His work do and nativity?! Did they dance to r Kelly vibe too?

ballbreaker · 16/12/2013 18:46

Sorry but I think you are being a little unreasonable, afterall his child, his choice-work life balance is difficult enough without partners putting the pressure on.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 16/12/2013 18:47

You both quite obviously see the nativity differently. You WANT to go and probably really enjoy it. He probably see it as a chore and something to be endured rather than enjoyed. Both points of view are perfectly valid but you are unlikely to be able to understand the viewpoint of the other. As long as your DC have someone there they won't mind.