AIBU regarding exdp, Dc & baby due in 6 weeks?

[Shellywelly1973]

Exdp is furious with me. I asked him to leave last week. Im pg with our 4th dc. Relationship has been going down hill for months. I had tried to talk to dp etc but he wouldn't talk about anything he didn't want to. We just kept going round in circles...

We met this afternoon to make plans about dc, money etc.

Ex has cancelled his Paternity Leave. Says he can't afford it. He will only see the dc on Christmas Day for an hour. He only gets one weekend a month off work so he's going to Scotland on his weekend off this month. So no break for me during the school Christmas Holidays. He says he'll look after the dc 'if he's around' when I have the baby. Maintenance, he can't afford any as he earns rubbish money & we're in SE so rent is extremely expensive.

I see his point of view on everything. He didn't want to leave. I told him to go. He says if I want to be a single parent again-thats my choice. I was a single parent for 10 years before I met dp.

I just wanted him to look after the dc when I had the baby. I hoped he'd do the school runs whilst he was on paternity leave. The baby is breech & im praying she'll turn!

I have no family or close friends in this city. Ds's are in different schools. Both have SNs. 1 diagnised, hes 8 & in a special school. The other being assessed, hes 5 on reduced hours in mainstream. So can't even ask other mums at school to share the trips.. Dd is 12 so she doesn't need to be very taken to school.

I think exdp thinks I will have to ask him to come home as I wont be able to cope...

AIBU? He didn't want to leave but nor would he have a conversation about our relationship! How do we reach a compromise regarding our dc?

YANBU but i don't have any advice. He sounds like he's trying to teach you a lesson using your children. Horrible.

Bumping for you and hope someone who knows more than me comes along soon.

its all very new and he will probably stop being such an arse

my ex threatened to leave continents and we get on really well now

Thanks for the replies. I should have put this in relationships!

Maintenance, he can't afford any as he earns rubbish money & we're in SE so rent is extremely expensive.

CSA won't see it like that

Contact your local sure start as they may be able to help you. Think it's called Home start

Hi shelly I recognise you off the pregnancy boards, think we are due around the same time.
Obviously you can't force him to take his paternity leave if he doesn't want to, however Bohemian is right and he does have to pay maintenance even if you have to go through the CSA to get it. As he says he only has 1 weekend a month off I'm guessing he won't be seeing the DC very often then, so won't be having to use his money on them like he would be if you were living together.
Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy

Ahh I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, it's all still very new to you both. Can you try not to show that his decisions are affecting you? I would try and let my reactions be neutral, so he loses any power from what he is doing.

i would recommend contacting csa - you need some financial help and the letter from them alone may spur him into making a private arrangement with you (or not I suppose!)

In terms of support once baby is here, can you talk to midwife / health visitor and see what they suggest? Home start are meant to be brilliant too. It may even be worth contacting the school and speaking to a teaching assistant and asking if they would be able to help with a school run in event of an emergency? I don't know if that's naive - I know some of them work as nannys in the holidays for some of the parents at my nephews school.

Good luck, keep strong, it will all be ok somehow!

He's trying to teach you a lesson. He's thinking "She's chucked me out, so lets watch her struggle on her own with the children and the new baby. That will show her". He is expecting you to get desperate and ask him to come home. Don't play his games and rise to the bait.

Ask any and all family members and friends to help out. If you have older children, they have to step up to the plate for a few weeks. Be proactive. Talk to your dc's schools today and tell them how difficult it will be for you to get the dc into school when new baby comes. They may be able to suggest something or at least make allowances if your dc are a bit late for a short period of time.

Your ex has made it clear. He is withdrawing all support for you and the dc. Time to look towards others. Chin up.

I have nothing useful to add, but what a complete prick your ex is! Sounds like you are well rid of that total cock.

Yep, he's being an arse and trying to blackmail you into taking him back. And it seems he's prepared to let his own child(ren) suffer in order to make that happen. Don't do it!

I love the idea that he can't pay maintenance as he "can't afford any". Well that's all very well but what are the kids supposed to eat, fairy dust? He needs to prioritise the welfare of HIS children and arrange his financial affairs differently so as to be able to provide for them properly.

Would you reconsider the relationship if he agreed to counselling?

Does the 8 yo get provided with transport to and from school? If not I am sure he should be eligible. That leaves you with school run for 5 yo with newborn in tow - I am sure you will manage that. Not because I am saying its easy but because you sound v capable and determined.

He is an arse and a crap parent. You aren't and you will cope x

He doesn't get a choice about paying maintainance for the children that are biologically his, but it;s going to be very hard to compel him to do anything else. Does he have a close, loving relationship with hos children, and will he be able to separate that from his anger at you?
He needs to, so that although the relationship has broken down, he keeps one with his children. What about the father of your other child/children?
Is he involved, would he help?
If both fathers are out of the equation, what are your options?

Thanks for all the replies.

My grown up dc live quite far away. So its not an option of them helping on a day to day basis. Ds is 2 hours & dd 1 hour. Neither drive. Ds has holidays between Christmas & New Year so he's coming down for a few days which will be lovely.

Ds8 school are redoing his CAF forms so hopefully by the next holidays I will have better care & respite in place currently carer is on sick leave & there isn't anyone to cover her absence.

I have no other family in this city or close friends. I am self employed & work from home due to ds' s SNs & lack of child care. So pretty isolated.

Dp knows i will do whatever needs to be done for dc. They won't go without in any respect but it will be at my cost. He's due to have an operation in January or February so won't be earning. If I have to I will go to the CSA but im wondering if it will just make a bad situation worse!?

For the person who asked about counselling, he will not go. I started asking him to go about 5 yesrs ago.

He's not a hands on dad. Weirdly it was him whom wanted dc when we met. The reality of dc especially dc with SNs is far more difficult then he comprehended.

Thanks again.

What a dickhead. He is trying to punish you by abandoning his own children. He doesn't get to opt out of being a parent.
Yes,definitely ring the CSA. A good parent would not willingly let the other parent,and by proxy his children,struggle. Its fine to say its new to him (poor diddums ) but he needs to be responsible.
You will be fine OP.

If I have to I will go to the CSA but im wondering if it will just make a bad situation worse!?

In what way do you think it would be worse? He is already saying he doesn't want to see his kids (would rather go to Scotland) and is refusing to support them financially. What would be worse?

If I were you, I would go to the CSA. It's impersonal, takes the emotion out of it.

Sounds like he's hurting, angry or both... and he's lashing out & trying to regain some 'power' or control.

Is there anyway he might calm down & rethink?

Its interesting just how many of them think that by being unhelpful it will make you want them back.

Are you able to have a home birth? If so any one of the following may work.

Are any of his family accessible?
Do you really have no friends you could ask?
Emergency nanny/ prearranged childminder?
Older sibling of your older child's friends?

The special school one of your children goes to may have local knowledge of carers or teaching staff who also do outside of work childcare.they may also be able to help with sourcing emergency respite care vis CS is you really have no other options.

Any neighbours you could spend the next few weeks buttering up?

If push comes to shove with a home birth you have 2 midwives there looking after you if things are going well if its not likely to take days then its not the end of the world if she distracts the younger ones downstairs providing she can deal ok with what ever the SN is. The only thing you would need is a emergency plan just incase you have to go to hospital.

Its not ideal but its also not the end of the world, I've had a few lone parent friends who have had to do this and the general consensus was if its looking like morning school run is an issue then just don't send them,I have one friend who went into labour when kids were at school and she just booked a taxi to collect them all and did the school run herself from the next day

Or any unemployed relatives who could come and stay with you for a couple of weeks

Thanks Sock. My mil died in September, she used to help out. Never met fil. Dp is an only dc.

My neighbours are in there 70's!

Baby is breech. Hopefully she will turn & I will have the baby at home. If I have a cs, I have asked ds & his lovely gf to come & stay for a few days. They are just organising leave etc. The gf drives so she could take boys to school.

There's no option of transport for ds at special school. Its not local, nearly an hour away. LA won't fund transport. I have let the school know im looking for someone to help with ds as he gets much more holidays then mainstream dc. He's already on holiday!

I spoke to my mum earlier. Shes abroad so not able to help but I needed a bit of a vent. She told me she doesn't blame dp for being angry (nor do I).She added thst I should shut up & put up. Reminded me of how limited I am due to my dc needs.

Although it wasn't nice to hear. She has a point!

Well I guess you could call it a point, I'm not sure it's an entirely helpful one though

The more important question is what you want to do, not what someone else can coerce you into doing.