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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be hurt by my so-called friends?

67 replies

Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 18:43

Went to a party with one of my dc today at a local softplay place. Just arrived and I see a couple of my friends dcs running by so I ask if they are here with mum and dad and they say yes,over there.

Lo and behold there is my friend,her dh and 2 other mutual friend couples and all their dcs out celebrating one of my friends dcs birthday.

When they saw me they looked guilty as fuck and the dh came over and sheepishly asked if I wanted to join them.

I know this is pathetic but I am incredibly hurt that my dcs and myself were not invited. They did something very similiar a few weeks ago regarding a trip to an xmas market and when I asked where my invite was,got a given an excuse of oh it was all very last minute.

Am I bu to feel upset and to think they are trying to tell me something? I feel worse as I am supposed to be going a night out with these people next week and at the moment I want to tell them to get to fuck!

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 15/12/2013 20:45

Oh dont worry I will be saying something to them! I am quite direct and they know that.

Could that be the problem? Be honest with yourself.

I work with someone that is very much "I say it like it is, happy to call a spade a spade", in actual fact she can be rude, abrupt and very opinionated.

defineme · 15/12/2013 20:47

How old are your kids?
You're really going to fall out with people over the reciprocal birthdays thing, especially as kids get older. My kids are only inviting 2 kids each to their birthdays-they've been to loads of parties this year-I'm certainly not inviting all of them for a sleepover!
However, back to your op. Leave it and them. They'll never admit it even if they are leaving you out.
I would put money on you being blunt being the problem. Most people are not blunt and appreciate it when people make the effort to smooth the edges of life like they do. But that's by the by. Stick to people who don't leave you out and appreciate you for who you are.

Original poster

Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 20:48

I know I can be abrupt but as I said they will tell me if I am and I am always happy to apologise. I would not say I am overly opinionated though-I am happy to sit back and listen too. We have quite diverse ideas on certain subjects but this makes for interesting conversation and means we not constantly just talking kids!

OP posts:

rubyflipper · 15/12/2013 21:00

I think you're wasting your time with these people. The friendship has run its course. It happens sometimes. Move on and focus on people who like you as you are.

NK5BM3 · 15/12/2013 21:03

Maybe it's because you were busy (you said that in one of your last posts) so they might have just organised it and that was it.

I was meant to be celebrating a friends birthday but I was away on business (literally half a globe away). We made up but in the interim and as always I end up not being at play dates or my kids dont get invited to playdates because every mum seems to only work part time or not at all and I work ft.

So maybe if you were so busy recently they just agreed to meet up and figured you'll be back in touch when you're less busy.

pictish · 15/12/2013 21:05

Well who knows?
I don't invite everyone along to everything, and there's every chance that they just took a notion and didn't think of you. It happens.
Your gut tells you different though and I'm not going to argue with it.

One wee thing though - your overall tone on the thread is one predominantly of anger. You defintely feel wronged on this one, and you are angry about it. You say you'll be having words about it and so on.
I'm not sure how she/they will react to you 'having words'. You might get a negative response. Are you ready for that?

MyDogPoopsBaubles · 15/12/2013 21:11

Hmm. So far you've described yourself as 'abrupt', 'opinionated', and direct', and you seem to think that this is all ok, because they're happy to tell you if you're out of line. Maybe they're tired of telling you?

BaconFrazzles · 15/12/2013 21:41

I have to agree with those that have said that they find 'blunt' people to be hard work. I do think this may be the case for you, OP. They do seem to have distanced themselves from you.

I would keep your dignity, take the hint from them, as hurtful as it may be, and take control of things by pulling yourself away from the friendship (politely of course, just be busy when they invite you to things).

I personally wouldn't bother with 'having words' with them, or making a fuss. You may end up looking silly and hearing things you don't want to hear.

Laura0806 · 16/12/2013 12:43

sorry this has happened to you but it does seem to happen quite a lot in these 'mummy' groups. The way I look at it is that it saves you wasting anymore time on them and you can concentrate on real friends who accept and appreciate you for who you are. I would echo the others. I wouldn't say anything to them as it gives them something to gossip about when you are not there, just be unavailable and politely decline their invites. I bet you find the invites keep coming if you're evasive but stick to the 'oh sorry I would have loved to but....... 'aproach and make arranegments with others instead!

BaconFrazzles · 16/12/2013 12:46

I meant to say in my other post on this thread yesterday that this kind of thing is exactly why I never really bother with 'groups' of friends any longer, and tend to see people individually.

The dynamics of groups almost always change at some point or another to make someone the scapegoat, or to leave someone out, or to gossip about someone.

I really cannot be arsed with it all

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 12:54

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, OP, and obviously, your hurt and anger are colouring the way you come across on this thread, which may not in any way match your every day self. But given that you also describe yourself as blunt, direct, opinionated etc, I have to say you sound like hard work from what you say.

I know you say you acknowledge this, and your friends have been told they can call you on it, but to be honest, I wouldn't want to spend time with another adult whose behaviour I had to police. This may not have anything at all to do with them excluding you, but maybe they're tired of you expecting them to tell you when you've gone too far, rather than you simply not going too far in the first place...?

LoisWilkerson1 · 16/12/2013 13:24

They are trying to socialise without you for reasons you will probably never find out, don't let them bother you and make some new friends, YANBU to be upset.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/12/2013 15:04

always happy to apologise
How often do you say things that you have to apologise for? I would find having to regularly pull somebody up for being 'direct' exceedingly tiresome.

plentyofsoap · 16/12/2013 15:20

It sounds harsh but could it be the children do not get on? I have a friend and my ds really does not get on with her ds anymore, nothing against her (or her ds)

CrapBag · 16/12/2013 15:46

YANBU, this seems really shitty of them, then for your friend to ignore you when she was near definitely says they deliberately left you out.

They are trying to tell you something, unfortunately. I would either ask what the problem is, or delete them from FB (that is usually a message of 'we are not friends anymore' and go no further contact.

Similar thing has happened to me this year. I was friends with 2 groups of people, we started to merge but it was apparent that people were very different so we split again but I was firmly in the middle. One group promised that we were all friends for life etc etc and I was definitely part of the group, then I find out they were doing loads of meeting up and I was never included, fine, I done my own thing with the other group, then one from the first group started getting shitty that she wasn't included with the second group even though I knew full well she wasn't even bothered about them. She has really pissed me off but is acting like she has been wounded and excluded in some way (when its mainly her who does the excluding). Needless to say she has recently deleted me off FB and that's that.

No loss to me but I do wonder what I have done 'wrong' possibly not middle class enough for them.

CrapBag · 16/12/2013 15:48

Oh I can also be direct and the deleting friend told me before that this is what she liked about me, although I was never rude, too polite in some cases.

Ladyface · 16/12/2013 16:57

I've been there, op and it is really shit when so- called friends behave like this. If you all have children at the same school I would tread carefully. Gradually be busy with other friends and keep your distance but extract yourself from the group over time rather than going no contact immediately after this episode at the soft play.
Is there a queen bee type in this group?

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