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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be hurt by my so-called friends?

67 replies

Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 18:43

Went to a party with one of my dc today at a local softplay place. Just arrived and I see a couple of my friends dcs running by so I ask if they are here with mum and dad and they say yes,over there.

Lo and behold there is my friend,her dh and 2 other mutual friend couples and all their dcs out celebrating one of my friends dcs birthday.

When they saw me they looked guilty as fuck and the dh came over and sheepishly asked if I wanted to join them.

I know this is pathetic but I am incredibly hurt that my dcs and myself were not invited. They did something very similiar a few weeks ago regarding a trip to an xmas market and when I asked where my invite was,got a given an excuse of oh it was all very last minute.

Am I bu to feel upset and to think they are trying to tell me something? I feel worse as I am supposed to be going a night out with these people next week and at the moment I want to tell them to get to fuck!

OP posts:
Dalaimama · 15/12/2013 19:09

If your kids are well behaved then I don't understand it at all, especially if you see them every week for coffee. I am friendly with a wide group of people but when it comes to things that include kids there are certain ones I would avoid. But if that is not the case I am stumped? Are you late for everything or do you rely on people for lifts? Do they think you don't have the spare cash for a play centre?

Casmama · 15/12/2013 19:09

Are you married OP? Just wonder if they were going as couples and wondered if you would feel awkward on your own?

If this is the case it is a ridiculous reason not to invite you but perhaps less hurtful?

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2013 19:10

How long have you all been friends together? Who introduced you? Has anyone recently joined the group, who was at the two things you missed?

I'm afraid I do tend to think "They're just not that into you" :( It is hurtful and disappointing. I'm pleased that you have other groups of friends, too. The cross-examination (sorry!) was to see whether you've been Wendied, as it'll be a good idea to keep a healthy distance from any 'Wendys' prowling your area.

lostdomain · 15/12/2013 19:14

Very hurtful. Perhaps they are the despicable types that need to leave someone out in order to feel important (I used to be in a crowd like that and witnessed how gross they were to others. Said to DH, my time will come soon, and it did. I never speak to them now.)

You say you are very outspoken. Is it possible you can be a bit hard work? Maybe that is why they cooled off. (Please don't take offense at this - I don't know you and am not judging you, but apart from the horrible cliquey group I mentioned above, the only reason I know why people drop one person is that the person is a bit more dominating or negative than they realise. Even if they are well liked as an individual, they might be hard work in a group.)

Either way, I'd cool off from them. Find other, better, more reliable people to have coffee with, and to be close to, and make an effort not to be so outspoken that it comes over as domineering. No one needs untrustworthy mates and these ones don't sound worthy of keeping.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 19:24

Yes I am quite outspoken but they tell me that this is one of the things they like best about me! They will also tell me if they think I am being "too much" as that is the kind of friendship we have and they know I wont take offence.

My dh would not have been invited anyway as he is not sociable and never comes to our meet ups. They know this too so it would not have been a problem for me to rock up with just the dcs.

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Slatecross · 15/12/2013 19:28

This happened to me and I was mortified. I stewed about it and then just asked the mum straight if I had upset her in some way, and she was horrified and then made it worse by saying "I'm so sorry, I just didn't think of you." Sad She was beyond apologetic and left me a card and cake on the doorstep but didn't knock. Don't know really what I did and she's a lovely person so it surprised me, but I was terribly stung.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 19:35

Well I think I am supposed to be meeting them for coffee this week but I shall give that a miss because at the moment I feel like tearing them new arseholes!

I think I will give the night out a miss too and then just let the friendship slide tbh.

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Thymeout · 15/12/2013 19:36

Ah - a non-socialising DH. Not a problem for you to rock up on your own but might be for them. If husbands join in, there's a man to man bond as well has the mum to mum one. Husbands more likely to look favourably on the occasion if they know they're going to see Tom/Dick/Harry. They say 'Let's invite Tom-n-Sue and Dick-n-Jen and Harry-n-Kate.' As if they're one person. And Ladyglam just doesn't occur to them, because they're thinking couples.

I've been through this and it is really irritating. I call it the Noah's Ark syndrome. The animals have to go in, two by two.

maddy68 · 15/12/2013 19:36

I think it's more likely that the child's who's birthday it was doesn't like your child. He has only invited who he wants to his birthday.

I would be hurt too but I think that would be a reasonable explanation

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 19:38

No maddy-its definately not that because as I said they have been too numerous parties of my dcs and they all seem to get along very well.

Not the couple thing either I dont think as they are used to me coming along on my own. I just think that they dont really like me that much.

OP posts:
IThoughtThat · 15/12/2013 19:44

There is no way you will ever know why they didn't invite you. It could be you were not around when they were discussing it or it could be that the kids whose birthday it was only wanted certain friends there.
I think you easily overthink this.
Sometimes is just a numbers thing. I have a lovely group of friends but we split off into all sorts of different groups for different activities. We all like each other I hope

Is it possible that they thought that if they invite you they would then have to invite the other friend?

With regard to your 'bluntness'. The fact that this is acknowledged is a warning sigh. Even if your friends say they 'like' your bluntness it not generally a positive characteristic. There is a fine line between honest and straightforward and bluntness. Bluntness suggests to me that you may lack tact? Confused

If you confront them on this then you can kiss goodbye to any future invites. Do you care more about being slighted by them rather then risking their actual friendship IYSWIM

If I were you I would do nothing but would be very wary of them and would try and find some other friends.

funkybuddah · 15/12/2013 19:46

I've not read the thread but do they like your OH?
I love one of my friends so so much but her husband is a c**t and we avoid publicising certain things because he will either limit how long she can be with us (giver her curfews etc) or we just dont want to socialise with him.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 19:48

Well at the moment I dont actually care about losing the friendship. I have other friends who I think are more genuine and actually like me.

I agree that perhaps my directness could be annoying but I would also say that I am a good listener and would drop everything to help a friend.

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Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 19:49

No they dont like my dh but that is not the problem as he never socialises with us anyway. He would certainly never give me any sort of curfew.

OP posts:
Delurkedforthis · 15/12/2013 19:53

Well I think I am supposed to be meeting them for coffee this week but I shall give that a miss because at the moment I feel like tearing them new arseholes! I think I will give the night out a miss too and then just let the friendship slide tbh.

Yes yes yes yes and yes! As others have said, some people play these sorts of power games just because they can. You can drive yourself mad trying to think of what you might have done wrong, when the simple answer is nothing.

Don't confront them, just step back. By quietly bowing out of already made arrangements you will give them the message loud and clear anyway without the satisfaction of being able to accuse you of going apeshit.

Been there, done that...now really glad of the extra headspace! Wine

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 15/12/2013 20:05

Sometimes friendships end. Sometimes we don't know why. It seems mean of the rest of your group, OP, but as horrible as it is, the truth is that if they wanted you there, they would have invited you.

I am friends with 2 women who see lots more of each other than I do. I am being left out more and more when they make arrangements and it upsets me, but if they wanted me to be there, they would ask me. I have said to both of them on more than on occasion that we should get together and have suggested dates and times etc, but they have not responded to my suggestions. I said to one that I had not heard from her, so I assumed she had been very busy - no, she says, I have not been busy.

Ah, well, that's that, I suppose.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 20:09

Yes that is what has happened here too Alli-it was actually me who suggested the trip to the xmas market and then they went without me. I also usually organise an xmas night out for the group too but did'nt bother this year as last year they both cancelled at the very last minute.

I should have taken the hint then!

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EmmaBemma · 15/12/2013 20:11

I have an acquaintance who describes herself as being very direct, a say-like-it-is, no-nonsense sort of person. But that often tips into being rude and annoying! She gets very shouty in group situations and if she doesn't agree with someone about something, she's like a dog with a bone. It is wearing, though she's essentially kind hearted and I don't dislike her. I've never slagged her off to any of the rest of our loosely aligned bunch but thinking about it, I don't go out of my way to invite her to stuff I'm doing because she's such hard work. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but as someone up thread said, there could be any number of reasons why you've been left out, and it could be anything from an oversight to some deeper issue... Doesn't make the mum who organised the party a bad person, just means maybe you're not as compatible as you thought.

It does sound a cringeworthy situation though- poor you, I would have been mortified.

Tapiocapearl · 15/12/2013 20:18

Just bow out gracefully. They are not your friends. Stay civil and polite but just create space.

However I must mention that people don't have to invite your child to a party even if their child has been to your child's party. The gift is the exchange - so you invite a child and they give your child a gift.

pictish · 15/12/2013 20:18

So what happened? Did you go and join them, or decline?

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 20:21

I disagree tapio-if my child is invited to a party then I think we should reciprocate the invite-its only good manners to do so.

No pictish-I explained to the dh that I was with my dc at another party. I know they did'nt want me too anyway as my friend never came near and avoided eye contact even when she was standing a few feet away from meHmm

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pictish · 15/12/2013 20:32

Op - in the nicest possible way, it does sound as though you are not on their favourite people list atm. If you friend avoided eye contact and seemed standoffish, then I think that's a pretty sound indication that you were purposefully left out. That response to seeing you is quite pointed.

Have you spoken out of turn recently perhaps? Are you quite strident in your views?

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 20:36

No pictish I dont think I have? Actually they have been moaning that I have'nt been as available as I have had a lot of things on and that they have missed meHmm

I dont think there is any point in my over thinking it anyway. I was hurt but am just going to back off now.

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Mumstheword1976 · 15/12/2013 20:37

Im in a similar situation, noticed via fb i was being left out of social events, drinks nights etc, then ds was not invited to a bday party. I habe decided to let the friendships go, still hurts though, and its a shame for the kids involved as they have been friends since babies and are now 5 and get on like a house on fire. Who knows what i/we did to be ousted. Ah well onwards and upwards....

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 20:45

Yes I am seriously considering leaving fakebook mums-it was these friends that persuaded me to join it in the first place too! They are always posting about things they have done or invites but if I put an invite to something on there then you can hear the tumbleweed!

Aahh I am sounding pathetic again!Angry

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