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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask your opinion on this access arrangement for 3YO and newborn?

32 replies

LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 18:06

Hi all,

I wondered what you thought of this proposed access arrangement for my 3 year old and soon to be born newborn (intend to breastfeeding again).

I live 1.5 hours away from ex. Neither of us moved away, in fact I have moved an hour closer to ex.

He has his daughter with another woman every other weekend at the moment and as far as I know that's the plan going forward, so things need to fit in around her too.

Here's what I'm planning to propose:

  • Every other weekend Friday 6pm til Sunday 6pm for 3 year old
  • When newborn comes along the same as above but in addition, he will see both from 3pm until 6pm every Sunday away from my home but in the local area (park, museum, cafe etc)
  • Once youngest is around 6 months and no longer exclusively breast fed, he takes both children Friday 6pm until Sunday 6pm alternate weekends.

I currently drive my 3 year old to him and back every Monday but can't see being able to do 3 hours driving in a day every single week, when heavily pregnant or with a newborn and sleepless nights. Once newborn is a little older, 3 year old will be in school and so not able to see his Dad on Mondays anyway.

It is also not good for me to spend time with him so I'd like to move to a more formalised plan going forward.

However, he's ultimately a selfish man and I think he will be unhappy as he won't have any free weekends (as will see his other daughter the alternate weekends) and he won't get to see me (he'd like to get back with me). I think he's got a bit too used to me delivering his son to him every week too!

So I would really appreciate your views on whether this seems like a fair suggestion for the kids, and him (although he is obviously a much lesser concern than the children!). The distance makes it hard to do shorter, more frequent contact sessions.

I just want to feel secure that what I'm proposing is a good plan for the children before I start on the path of arguing with him about it. :(

OP posts:
FushandChups · 15/12/2013 18:36

Hi Llama - didn't want this to go unanswered but it all sounds very complicated and am awful lot for a 3yo and a newborn to cope with - the baby in particular should not be away from you every other weekend from birth.

I'm not sure what the answer is though but fully believe that if he wants a relationship with his children, he needs to start coming to them! You will be far too exhausted with far too much on your plate to keep accommodating dropping his DC to him etc...

Is there a way you could propose longer periods, less often ie he has your 3yo for a full week every month rather than all this to-ing and fro-ing?

Presume the new baby is his? in which case maybe just the Sunday access for those first few, crucial months?

I don't know - sorry, think these suggestions are all jumbled up but it just strikes me that you're doing everything to continue his relationship with his children rather than him making any effort!

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 18:40

I don't think that the newborn should have any overnights until weaned personally...

And the 3 yr old, still too young to be coming and going all the time.

You may find he syncs the weekends to have all the kids together rather than alternate.

I'd start by waiting for him to make some suggestions and then negotiate down as far as you can.

Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 18:42

Thanks for the reply.

Sorry if it wasn't clear - the idea is that the newborn sees ex for 3 hours every other Sunday until they are 6 months ish and can take a bottle and not exclusively breastfed.

From then on it would be every other weekend for both of them. Which breaks my heart to think about being away from little one for so long, but wanted to make sure they had time to bond too.

I admit its very bloody complicated! Trying to be fair but not a doormat.

OP posts:
Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 18:44

His ex won't allow her DD to meet (or even know about) my 3 YO, so it must be a different times to her contact times.

I agree about no overnights until weaned - by which do you mean weaned off the breast and able to take a bottle and eat some other foods? That's the plan I think. Though it will break my heart to be away from them so soon. :(

OP posts:
KingRollo · 15/12/2013 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 18:45

His suggestion is I keep bringing them every week, no matter what. :(. Can't rely on him to come up with useful suggestions unfortunately.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 15/12/2013 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 18:47

Yes, sorry - he will be picking up at my house for the access. So he will see baby for 3 hours somewhere near my house but not actually at my house every other week.

Overnights for baby wouldn't start until around 6 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 18:49

I am trying to formulate a plan that's fair on everyone and best for children as far as I can. Then I'll feel happier negotiating and presenting my side if I feel its fair. He has a way of twisting things and making me doubt myself, so wanted to get it straight in my head before I started talking to him.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 15/12/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FushandChups · 15/12/2013 18:58

I have to agree with KingRollo about the overnights but if you're comfortable with the 6 month mark and he wants to do it - I would say go for it.

I think it is pretty tragic that his other DD is unaware of your DC - how awful not to know you have siblings Sad did he not see her when your 3yo was growing up or did he meet her elsewhere for her eow? you don't need to answer that but could give you some further insight into how he thinks contact works and how much effort you'll need to put in (although sounds like you already know you're going to be facilitating it)

FushandChups · 15/12/2013 19:01

And the 'my ex won't allow' line... could be just that, a line! She doesn't really have a say in it anymore and think it says an awful lot about your ex that he goes along with this (unless of course that is the condition of him seeing his other DD?)

SomethingLovely · 15/12/2013 19:23

I think it's also hard to predict now what will be possible for your unborn baby... I personally think anything under a year sounds early for a baby to apart from his/ her mum overnight. You're being thoughtful in wanting baby to bond with the father, but I'd be very circumspect about offering anything more than the tiniest steps towards baby staying over when you are both ready, be that in 6 months, a year or later...

BuntyPenfold · 15/12/2013 19:31

There is no way I would have any baby under a year sleeping away from me.
I would not negotiate down from there.
I think you are extremely generous, but it isn't in the baby's interests.

ClutchingPearls · 15/12/2013 19:49

I think 6pm is too late to be transporting a 3 yo and baby so often. I also agree under a year, no overnights.

In your situation I would rather he came to my home Saturday, collected DC1 and baby for a local outing. Returned baby before having DC1 overnight and returning midday for another local outing with DC and baby for sunday. I would be flexible about what time baby was returned Saturday so he could plan more or less time at his home with DC1. That way he gets friday evenings free so he has some time to himself and can't complain he has them all weekend.

If he is unwilling to travel, thats his desision.

Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 19:53

Clutchingpearls - that sounds very workable actually! Thank you!

I agree with you all about little one and overnights - was trying to make sure they bonded somehow.

I might change it so the overnights start when I say that baby seems ready. No earlier than 6 months, but when baby is ready.

Thank you all. So far no one seems to think I'm being unfair on ex, which was a worry.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 15/12/2013 19:56

Sounds way too much time for the baby to be away from you, and too early. I'd say a couple of hours at home once a week - he comes to you - until 6 months, then maybe whole days.

You are being way too accommodating - and the danger is you will completely change your mind when the baby is born. I very much doubt you will want to let him/her out of your sight for months.

IThoughtThat · 15/12/2013 20:20

I actually think it can be best for babies to be with their other parent for overnight'ers as young as possible. Then they grow up with it. If you suddenly start introducing overnights to children over a year old I think they can find it much more stressful.

Presumably your ex is an experienced Dad.

I also think 6 at night is late to be doing drop offs. Is there anyway it could be earlier? Another plan would be to do it later then the DCs sleep in the car and can be transferred straight to bed. There may be less traffic that way too.

Is there a reason your DH can't do pick ups?

I think its admirable that you are trying to facilitate your DH having a good relationship with his kids.

I hope things work out and that you find an arrangement that works for everyone (but mainly for you and the kids Smile )

Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 20:29

Thanks Ithoughthat, for your kind words. It feels like a juggling act, trying to think of two kids best interests. Especially when one isn't even born yet! Trying to keep my very complicated feelings for ex out of things (he has hurt me very badly) and trying to be fair to ex too.

I chose 6pm as my 3YO tends to fall asleep in the car. So if ex brings him over at say 3pm, 3YO will nap and then be awake until 10/11pm. Eek! If he comes at 6, he'll sleep in the car and will hopefully transfer to bed from there. I currently leave ex's at 6pm and arrive 7:30pm with a sleeping toddler, ready to transfer to bed.

Saturday morning start may solve that issue though. I can just imagine him turning up later and later until its Saturday afternoon most of the time. Hmm

But I appreciate motorways at 5-7pm on a Friday night might not be fun for ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 20:30

No reason he can't do pick ups except he'd rather not drive 1.5 hours each way. He is happy for me to do it though of course!

OP posts:
SteamWisher · 15/12/2013 20:33

How will he hide your kids from his other dd once this arrangement starts? He sounds lovely Hmm why are you so accommodating?

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 20:36

OK I am going to be a little brutal but stop fucking doing all the driving and running around. Just stop.

Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 20:38

He a fucktard. No doubt.

If I go into this purposely trying to be awkward its only the kids that will be hurt. I'm trying really hard to do the right thing by my kids. Want to be able to look them in the eyes when they are older and tell them with open heart that I did all I could for the best for them, no matter what else was going on for me personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
LlamaLover · 15/12/2013 20:39

Yes - the me doing all the running around is stopping. Absolutely agree. Just need a new plan!

OP posts:
MrsMook · 15/12/2013 20:42

DS1 was 13m when he was weaned off milk feeds (bottle refuser) and 14m when I first left him at home for a weekend.
DS2 is 8m and still regularly having feeds on demand through the day and most nights. He would not be ready to leave me for longer periods.

I think "when baby is ready" is a better line to take as babies vary so much. It would be very hard for you to set an age that you later felt was too soon and have to alter the arrangements.