AIBU to ask your opinion on this access arrangement for 3YO and newborn?

[LlamaLover]

Hi all,

I wondered what you thought of this proposed access arrangement for my 3 year old and soon to be born newborn (intend to breastfeeding again).

I live 1.5 hours away from ex. Neither of us moved away, in fact I have moved an hour closer to ex.

He has his daughter with another woman every other weekend at the moment and as far as I know that's the plan going forward, so things need to fit in around her too.

Here's what I'm planning to propose:

• Every other weekend Friday 6pm til Sunday 6pm for 3 year old

• When newborn comes along the same as above but in addition, he will see both from 3pm until 6pm every Sunday away from my home but in the local area (park, museum, cafe etc)

• Once youngest is around 6 months and no longer exclusively breast fed, he takes both children Friday 6pm until Sunday 6pm alternate weekends.

I currently drive my 3 year old to him and back every Monday but can't see being able to do 3 hours driving in a day every single week, when heavily pregnant or with a newborn and sleepless nights. Once newborn is a little older, 3 year old will be in school and so not able to see his Dad on Mondays anyway.

It is also not good for me to spend time with him so I'd like to move to a more formalised plan going forward.

However, he's ultimately a selfish man and I think he will be unhappy as he won't have any free weekends (as will see his other daughter the alternate weekends) and he won't get to see me (he'd like to get back with me). I think he's got a bit too used to me delivering his son to him every week too!

So I would really appreciate your views on whether this seems like a fair suggestion for the kids, and him (although he is obviously a much lesser concern than the children!). The distance makes it hard to do shorter, more frequent contact sessions.

I just want to feel secure that what I'm proposing is a good plan for the children before I start on the path of arguing with him about it. :(

Presumably you are pregnant so you are just stopping driving non-essential journeys as of tomorrow.

What??? He'd rather not do pick ups?? So you do them all? Have I got that right?
No way, he takes responsibility now for contact - you offer terms (of which you are being eminently reasonable if not extremely generous) but he does pick ups/drop offs. If he doesn't then he is showing exactly what kind of father he is.
Also this business of not having his children meet??? What? So messed up.

You sound lovely, generous, sensible and obviously want the best for your kids, but I also think you are being far too accommodating and this may not be entirely in your kids best interests.

Gosh, good luck it sounds very difficult, I've had complicated access issues in the past but always found it best to put the onus on the father to ensure contact is easy/beneficial and NOT facilitated by me fully.

Hi, I think the every other weekend for 3 YO sounds fine and if the ex doesn't want to do the drive how about you share the driving? For example meet half way or you do all the driving to drop off on Friday and he does the drive back on Sunday? Regarding the baby, I think you might have to play it by ear for overnights but I think I'm in the minority as I don't think that a baby spending the night at his/her father's house is unreasonable once they're no longer breastfeeding. If the baby is young then it will become the norm for him/her and might prevent any attachment problems when he/she is a bit older and more aware of being away from you.

If he doesn't agree or come up with any reasonable suggestions you could always try family mediation to reach a mutually agreeable solution. Legal aid is still available for mediation for those that are eligible financially or on certain benefits.

My only piece of advise is one my solicitor is adamant about. Do not offer to do any more than 50% of the driving as you are likely to live with this forever. He has to meet you half way metaphorically so either one complete journey or half way literally either side of contact.
She said this yesterday as the solution to ExH having lst driving licence. It is up to him to find a solution.

There is no way my 6mo ebf baby would be away from me overnight. I bf 2/3 times a night plus before bed and first thing in the morning.

Unless you are planning to stop bf completely at 6mo (up to you obviously but I wouldn't do it for exs benefit) and start doing bottles yourself overnight and for the rest of the time too, you will muck up your milk supply by not having your baby with you for the weekend.

Not igniting a bf/ff debate but IMO if I made it to 6m and got past whatever hurdles to get there then why give myself the hassle and expense of ff purely to benefit someone who can't even be bothered to drive to see his current child.

Overnights when baby is ready - in my head that's likely to be at least a year.

My breastfed children were nearer 2 when I first left them overnight. I think a year is more than reasonable, and it very much depends on the baby (whether they take expressed milk, how long the continue to need milk during the night, how quickly they take to solid food. If the three year old is happy to be left with her dad every other weekend, that is fine imo.

I wouldn't let my baby stay away from me. Nor would I be running around like an eejit for an ex to have contact with my children