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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters husband been 'shot' ffs

34 replies

FedTheFuckUp · 15/12/2013 16:39

I've name changed as I am prepared for a flaming and the situation could out me.

My sister is mid twenties, has 3 children 8,6,4 and is 6 months pregnant with number 4.

She has been with her husband for 9 years. He doesn't work, is an alcoholic, addicted to weed, gambling addict who is incredibly emotional abusive to her and the kids and very very selfish.

He has done numerous things over the years, cheated her continuously (once giving her a sti and once the ow started to stalk my sister and the kids) smashes up the house on average once a month, disappears for days on end. Never changed a nappy, fed his kids, spent any money on them, got up in the night, doesn't come to family get togethers, Has been arrested on 4 occasions, had fights outside the house, had people turn up in the middle of the night to 'get' him.....I could go on and on.

Last night he had a row with a friend, who then shot him in the hand with a shotgun Hmm major police involvement they both have been arrested my sister was asked to leave with te kids so they could search the house etc etc. they have already found weapons.

She still defends him, it's not his fault he's just a victim blah blah blah, but now she is staying at our parents house......this is my AIBU thanks if you've got this far....

As her and her 4 kids are staying my DS can't stay round and I have to go to work. My DM and DF are stressed beyond belief.

I am just sooooooo fucked off with all this! It's been 9 years of this shit! Everyone's lives get upturned because of his stupid actions but it's just swept under the carpet, my parents don't say anything to her for some unknown reason.

I've just had a row with my DM about what am i meant to do with DS, if this was the first time then It wouldn't be an issue but it's about the 20th!!! My DM lost her rag and now it's all my fault coz I'm an aggressive selfish bully......coz I want to go to work Hmm and I tell my sister to Buck her ideas up, stop getting pregnant and kick him out. I feel for my DM and DF having to deal with this but they have always been so passive and swept it under the rug in case she stops them seeing her kids.

AIBU for being incredibly fucked off at this stupid man?? For making my day really stressful (selfish I know Blush ) And telling my sister to grow up and think about her kids?

I'm just furious for the kids really, IMO she doesn't think of them at all. She has all the support in the world if she wanted to leave him, neither of them work and are in social housing so that's not even an issue.

Ahhhhh it feels so good to get that out. Sorry for the rant Blush

What can I do/say in this situation??

OP posts:
SharpLily · 15/12/2013 16:42

Give Jeremy Kyle a call?

rubyslippers · 15/12/2013 16:44

She can probably no sooner get a job than go to the moon at the moment

She needs support for her and the kids - assume SS may get involved now?

It sounds like a dreadful situation all round

BerryChristmas · 15/12/2013 16:45

Why can't your DS go round? Is it because you don't want him to, or because your DM can't cope with all of them?

ThursdayLast · 15/12/2013 16:47

Rant away.
I don't think YABU really. It's easy to support/feel sorry for someone maybe the first couple of times something shit happens. But when it's over and over and over and over... That's much more difficult.
Maybe keep the ranting anonymous though, I'm sure you've said this time and again to your sister. She won't need to hear it again, and you'd just as well save your breath.

ineedanexcuse · 15/12/2013 16:48

Im at a loss as to why the presence of his cousins stop him from going to your parents house -although just the stress of the situation may be a factor.

Is it possible for your DM or Ddad to come to your house to mind your DS instead?

I wouldnt waste my breath telling your Dsis that her life is shit.I would think she already knows that and you are only stressing yourself trying to mend it.

Just do what you can to firefight each new drama .Help the children as much as possible by being a good role model and listening ear for the older ones. Maybe even provide a safe place for them one at a time.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/12/2013 16:51

Sorry but your dsis is also to blame. She chooses to stay with him and keep having children, what does she expect. Ss should get involved.

DeepThought · 15/12/2013 16:52

Ahhhh so your child care arrangements have been upended because your sister and her troupe are camping out at your parents at v short notice?

Will you have to take holiday to cover not going in or can someone else have DS for you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 16:52

Well hopefully now the police are involved, the necessary agencies will be too. Maybe that will focus your sister's attention as her partner doesn't seem interested.

It's all very well to be angry at him, but what about her? She's also a parent and doesn't seem to be much bothered either.

I feel sorry for YOU and the rest of your family though, it must be such a worry about the children.

Hope the rant helped.

LittlePeaPod · 15/12/2013 16:54

SS should be involved in this case. Your DS is neglecting her responsibilities as a parent and by staying in that situation she is placing those DC at risk. Your DS partner should be locked up for the arms and your DS should be investigated for neglect and endangering the DC. Also she should locked up if she knew about the arms!

Completely disgusting.. Those poor kids. What an shitty environment to grow up in!

Original poster
FedTheFuckUp · 15/12/2013 16:54

sharplily that's what all my friends say, they think it's hilarious as it's so far removed from the way we grew up.

He has to stay there as I work nights and he has a room there. DM or DF won't stay here. Cousins are sleeping in his room.

I know it's pointless and I'm wasting my breath on her, I know she's an adult but I'm more pissed off with my parents for just bailing her out with money etc all the time. She just says 'call in sick' she has no idea about the working world

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/12/2013 16:57

I understand your anger, but I assume your parents are doing what they're doing for the sake of the children, rather than for your sister?

They probably can't bear to think what would happen if they didn't step in.

RedHelenB · 15/12/2013 16:59

I can see it from your Mum's point of view - she wants the door left open so she can see her daughter & grandkids.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/12/2013 17:04

Good grief. What an absolute joke. The pair if them are idiots. Complete idiots and the fact that your now in the shit because she can't chuck out her arse of boyfriend , well I'd be pissed off too even if that Would make me selfish!!

I'd have sympathy perhaps the first couple of times but after that I wouldn't want to know. And the fact she'd risk her kids staying with him and still continue to get pregnant is insane.

Doesn't sound like she cares what happens to anyone else at all. Not even her own kids.

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 17:06

Could your sister stay with your son at your house with her youngest and the others stay with your parents?

LittlePeaPod · 15/12/2013 17:12

Caitlin would you leave your kids with a woman that is happy to stay with a man that keeps weapons in the same home as their DC. If she feels no responsibilty for her own DC, I doubt she will be responsible for he sisters DC.

Op dear god, keep her well away from your kids Op.

Original poster
FedTheFuckUp · 15/12/2013 17:18

Yep, I have told her numerous times to get the coil/implant/injection as he doesn't like condoms Hmm this is the 7th time she's been PG (3 MC) and every time she has no idea how it happened Hmm she is an idiot who only thinks about herself and makes excuses/lies about her situation. My parents are too soft to see through it tbh.

caitlin17 all her kids are very very clingy to her and won't stay without her. I only have a tiny 2 bed place with a tiny sofa so couldn't put them all up. Plus she only wants to stay their as police/her H might try and find her.
My DF has to be up at 5:30 for work and my DMs dog has cancer and can't be left Confused it's so stressful

To PP who mentioned ss, I've told her they will get involved, police took names/ages/schools of kids. She's very dim and thinks it will be alright 'coz it wasn't her' {bangs head against wall repeatedly} she needs a short sharp shock. It bewilders me that we came out of the same womb Hmm

OP posts:
Quoteunquote · 15/12/2013 17:23

Is there anyone who she respects, that she will listen to, when they explain to her that if she doesn't start making better choices about who she allows near her children, social services will make those choices for her?

She needs to rinse this person completely out of her life instantly, if she doesn't understand that, then her children are not going to have parents.

Lead by example, explain you will have nothing to do with him, and suggest that you will be happy to support her when she is actively doing the same.

Guns, fuck that, who needs that in their life, no one who is worth having in your life.

wherethewildthingis · 15/12/2013 17:26

Call social services yourself and report this. The police should do it and probably will, but make sure. You cannot allow these children to return to that situation without support.

WilsonFrickett · 15/12/2013 17:28

I think your parents are prioritising their other DGC's needs over yours at the moment. That has to hurt (as well as being inconvenient if your regular childcare goes down the swanee) but really, who can blame them? The kids need to be kept safe. I do feel for you, I really do, but I can't think of any other way your parents could behave.

I think you need to detach. Her 'P' is the victim in this, so possibly won't go to prison or anything like that. If there are weapons in the house then SS will have a lot to say about the safety of the DCs. But ultimately if your Sis doesn't want to leave him, then she won't leave him.

I know it's a real situation, but you can't change it.

Focus on getting some temporary childcare in place and try not to give it headspace. Hard I know ((hugs))

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/12/2013 17:29

I can totally see why you are so frustrated. Yanbu.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 15/12/2013 17:32

As a SW i would fully expect SS to get involved. Your DS is incredibly naive if she thinks she hasn't got a part to play in this. SS will look at whether she would be considered a 'protective parent' and from what you say it sounds like she is certainly is not protective.

I can see your frustration but it is good that she has been able to take the children somewhere safe for a while. Does she know when police will be finished their search of the house? I assume tomorrow she will get more information about how long her DP will be in custody etc.

I know it doesn't help you at all but i think that it is for the best that they are staying with your family. It might be time to look at what your friends could offer for child care. Have you got any single friends who might come and stay over at yours to let you work?

bellasuewow · 15/12/2013 17:50

She has all her children in the house with weapons and allows her partner to abuse them and her heartbreaking and unforgivable. I would contact social services and refuse to have anything to do with her until she gets a grip. Your parents probably feel guilty as she is their daughter but they do need to say something as this is their gran children's life. Can you and your parents get together to speak to her about it instead of rowing.

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest · 15/12/2013 17:54

How awful Sad

YANBU. I have a cousin in a similar situation. Frustrating to hear about all.the.time.

Really unfair that it's now your fault because you're being responsible.

Does your DS have any close friends where he can have a sleepover? Maybe?

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 15/12/2013 18:24

I don't think yabu about he situation and wishing she'd do waht you said - stop having babies and get rid of him. But I think yab- a little- u in rowing with your dm - although it's crazy that she keeps accepting your dsis crazy life and bullshit, she's just trying to support her and her DC.
I don't understand the issue with your Ds though, if he always stays there while you work, then I think it's a bit unfair to you to expect you to call in sick, why can't ds still stay even if it is cramped. Really, what's one more.

Hope SS do get involved, it might be the wake up she needs.

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 18:36

I can see why you are upset at the disruption to you and your DS.

But your parents are helping her, there is nothing wrong with that. They help you by having your son overnight on a regular basis don't they? she and her children are as much family as you and your son are and that is what you do for family. The help she is getting is 'crisis' help, yours is day to day.

I can understand your frustration at your sister, but she is in an abusive relationship which skews the sensibilities. She is also pregnant which makes her even more vulnerable.

Hopefully this and the SS involvement that is sure to follow will give her a wake up call and the support to get out.

possession of a firearm has s mandatory minimum sentence is 5 years' imprisonment, so he may be out of the picture soon anyway.

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