Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters husband been 'shot' ffs

34 replies

FedTheFuckUp · 15/12/2013 16:39

I've name changed as I am prepared for a flaming and the situation could out me.

My sister is mid twenties, has 3 children 8,6,4 and is 6 months pregnant with number 4.

She has been with her husband for 9 years. He doesn't work, is an alcoholic, addicted to weed, gambling addict who is incredibly emotional abusive to her and the kids and very very selfish.

He has done numerous things over the years, cheated her continuously (once giving her a sti and once the ow started to stalk my sister and the kids) smashes up the house on average once a month, disappears for days on end. Never changed a nappy, fed his kids, spent any money on them, got up in the night, doesn't come to family get togethers, Has been arrested on 4 occasions, had fights outside the house, had people turn up in the middle of the night to 'get' him.....I could go on and on.

Last night he had a row with a friend, who then shot him in the hand with a shotgun Hmm major police involvement they both have been arrested my sister was asked to leave with te kids so they could search the house etc etc. they have already found weapons.

She still defends him, it's not his fault he's just a victim blah blah blah, but now she is staying at our parents house......this is my AIBU thanks if you've got this far....

As her and her 4 kids are staying my DS can't stay round and I have to go to work. My DM and DF are stressed beyond belief.

I am just sooooooo fucked off with all this! It's been 9 years of this shit! Everyone's lives get upturned because of his stupid actions but it's just swept under the carpet, my parents don't say anything to her for some unknown reason.

I've just had a row with my DM about what am i meant to do with DS, if this was the first time then It wouldn't be an issue but it's about the 20th!!! My DM lost her rag and now it's all my fault coz I'm an aggressive selfish bully......coz I want to go to work Hmm and I tell my sister to Buck her ideas up, stop getting pregnant and kick him out. I feel for my DM and DF having to deal with this but they have always been so passive and swept it under the rug in case she stops them seeing her kids.

AIBU for being incredibly fucked off at this stupid man?? For making my day really stressful (selfish I know Blush ) And telling my sister to grow up and think about her kids?

I'm just furious for the kids really, IMO she doesn't think of them at all. She has all the support in the world if she wanted to leave him, neither of them work and are in social housing so that's not even an issue.

Ahhhhh it feels so good to get that out. Sorry for the rant Blush

What can I do/say in this situation??

OP posts:
paxtecum · 15/12/2013 19:08

Sleeping bag on the floor for your DS?

StupidMistakes · 15/12/2013 19:21

I should imagine with weapons found in the house social services will be informed and getting involved and quite possibly take the children for failure to protect, the fact that violent episodes from her partners behaviour has occurred before at the family home, and the fact that he was SHOT says that the children are in danger imho, I mean at the very least where were the children when this happened to their dad?

If he is also subjecting them to emotional abuse, she can be pretty sure that social services will have some involvement, and she could ultimately end up losing her children for failing to protect them from emotional harm caused by her husband

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 19:44

Or SS could help her get out of the abusive relationship she is in.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 15/12/2013 19:51

Call SS now, she will not suspect it was you as it close to the police involvement.

I think it's about time you put DC in a nursery, your DH could drop him off before work and care for him in the night. I couldn't cope not knowing if my child care arrangement could fail at any time.

Take care OP it sounds like a very stressful time for you and your family.

I have heard SS can give people ultimatum that it's either the DP or the kids.

redexpat · 15/12/2013 20:12

Oh golly. That all sounds horrible, and I can totally see why you are frustrated. But there is nothing you can do until she chooses to make a change.

Please remember she is being abused and this can change how you see everything. Having lots of children for example, is how some abusers maintain control over their partner's body. There will (hopefully )come a point, where she will suddenly see things crystal clearly. When that time comes you need to step up with support, and no I told you sos.

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2013 20:19

FortyDoors I think the OP may be a single parent? hence needing her parents or the overnight care when she is on nights.

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 20:26

Any chance you can try and swap shifts whilst you sort out emergency childcare (again) for your ds?

I can understand why all the enabling and lack of taking responsibility is getting to you so much!

Fingers crossed SS involvement will get your DSIS to do something about her partner.

Original poster
FedTheFuckUp · 15/12/2013 20:48

Finally have it sorted! I spoke to DM again calmly and I've just taken DS there for the night, it'll be cramped but I think everyone's calmed down a bit now.

Thank you for all your replies, to answer a few questions, I'm a single parent, no DH or DP. DS is 6 so too old for nursery, hopefully he will get a good nights sleep before school tomorrow! 99% of the time childcare works out fine, the only time it fucks up is due to my sisters H! My parents don't cope with stress very well, so they panic and cause more stress Hmm

I completly agree about keeping her pregnant, and manipulating her, she is being abused, but......I left an abusive relationship that wasn't 'as bad' as hers, and I had I start my life again as I wanted better for DS, it was hard but I did it. And I just think it's got to the point where she needs to wake the fuck up and take some responsibility for the 4 lives she has chosen to create, it sounds harsh but my sympathy ran out a couple of years ago Sad

Hopefully SS will set her straight and this will be a wake up call

OP posts:
sykadelic15 · 15/12/2013 23:59

Reading your OP and subsequent posts, it doesn't appear like your sons childcare arrangements are really what's bothering you (though it did trigger your feelings) it reads to me that you felt or feel your parents favour your sister by letting her get away with her crap. You're ticked no-one calls her on her crap and instead her life is a free pass of bad decisions while your struggle through doing the right thing. You said you were abused and wrote that it was " 'as bad' " the fact you put it in quotes being interesting... someone must have told you or made you feel like you can't have any idea of what she's going through because you didn't have it as bad... and I think you think this is a cop out for her not having to take responsibility.

It reads to me like your parents, and you, could do with some counseling to deal with their enabling, and your feelings of jealousy and your anger that she gets away with it. There are ways for your parents to be there for your sister while not enabling her. It's not easy though because of their worries about her withholding the children. Ultimately SHE needs counseling but she doesn't realise it yet and it's hard to push someone to do something they don't want to do.

Either way, I'm happy you got the baby sitting situation sorted out for now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page