AIBU or is exH? Christmas access over dc.

[PirateJelly]

Dc is 5. Me and xh split up when dc was only a toddler, we spent the first two Christmas days together and since then I've had dc Xmas eve,Xmas day and then xh has picked dc up boxing day morning and had them until new years day. My ex told me when we split up he was happy for me to have dc every Christmas day as his family always make a big deal of boxing day and he wasn't that in to Christmas anyway. Fine with me.

This year however he decided it wasn't fair that I get our dc every Christmas and basically demanded that he collects him Christmas eve afternoon and will bring him back on the morning of the 27th. I told him that wasn't fair as I'd never had him for the entire Christmas period and he should at least come back boxing day. ExH got angry and said that they always do something special boxing day and I know that so he would definitely need dc boxing day too.

I got very upset about this as dc is just starting to understand what Christmas is about and we have been setting Christmas traditions in place, especially things we do on Christmas eve. I putty foot down and said he could collect our dc in Christmas morning, begrudgingly he agree to this and said he would collect dc at 9.30am Christmas day. The more I thought about it the more I realised that idea was no good either as dc would have to rush to open his toys and would really get a chance to play with them. So I told my ex fine, pick him up Christmas eve, but make it as late as possible.

I feel I should state here my exH lives an hours drive away and on his wishes has our dc 2 weekends a month. I have never, ever denied him access or made things difficult and i try to involve him in his Childs life as much as I can, despite him seeming uninterested when dc is with me.

Anyway as the weeks have gone on dc has
become increasing reluctant to spend time with his dad, crying and refusing to go at collection and refusing to speak on the phone to him. Dc told me "I hate daddy and don't want to see him" I kept telling him not to be silly and eventually managed to get dc to open up and tell me what the matter was. Dc told me it was
because they didn't want to spend Christmas day at daddy's. Since then we've had tears a few times and lots of insistence that he's not spending Christmas day at daddy's.

To complicate matters further I have just got a part time job, the only days I have off over Christmas are Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day. Obviously this means if dc comes back the day after boxing day I am nit going to get a full day to do our Christmas with dc at all. I'm in bits about this.

So when exH came to pick dc up on Friday I explained my work situation to him. He just pulled a face and tried changing the subject. I then said discreetly that while I was happy for dc to spend time with him Christmas I felt he should know that our child has expressed that he was very upset about spending Christmas day away from mummy and that that's why he had started being hostile towards his dad. Ex made no comment on this.

As they were leaving I said well, what are we going to do about Christmas? Ex sighed and looked irritated and said " well I knew you'd pull something like this, right I guess I could bring him home boxing day morning even though we were going out for the day and everyones looking forward to seeing him BUT if that's the case then I will pick him up Sunday (22nd) morning". So that means I will miss out on all the days running up to Christmas whenyself and dc go to church, visit Santa, bake cakes, visit family all the little things we both love. I will just have him boxing day before going back to work.

I feel like putting my foot down and saying he can pick dc up early Christmas day afternoon and keep him for a few days but I know Ex will go mad at this suggestion. He has threatened me with going to court for full custody before and I know he'll say he'll take me to court

The thing is is our dc really wanted to spend Christmas day there then I honestly wouldn't stand in his way and I swear I haven't put any of these ideas about Christmas in his head. Dc is just going through a mummy stage at the moment.

So would I be unreasonable to tell ex I'm putting our Childs wishes before his own am to take me to court about if he wants? As I say I've never denied access and I'm happy to share christmas, a judge wouldn't be interested in this would they?

Help!
And sorry it's much longer than I meant it to be

Love, you really need to stop worrying about him getting custody of DS (DC - bit confused if you have one or more tbh) if it went to court, he wouldn't. He has done a real number on you that you believe he might - he wont.

Now - Christmas is about the children. DS doesn't want to go Christmas Eve & that wasn't the plan. Your Ex does not get to fuck with that just because he wants a drink.

Tell him that he can either pick DS/them up at 1.30 on Christmas Day or Boxing Day morning - those are his options.

IF he kicks off, tell him to take you to court and he can have him on his next scheduled visit.

Stop letting him bully you into things and stop letting him dictate what is happening.

BTW you say he is ex-H - you were married? If so, why did you leave with so little, as primary carer for the child? You were entitled to a share of the assets?

Perfectstorm- I tried to change a few details so that the thread wouldn't be so identifying, hence changing exdp to exH and putting instead of Ds (which I failed completely at,and this thread is now extremely identifiable) Please don't think bad of me because I called him my exH it wasn't a lie as such, more just trying to change a few details. I have no idea if his new partner is on here or not, sorry

N.B Everything else is true and correct.

Nooo, I didn't think you were lying! I was worried you'd not sought legal advice and just agreed to whatever he suggested. I alter details on MN as well sometimes for identical reasons, it's sensible IMO.

Honestly, call the Coram for reassurance, and then next time he says that smile politely and tell him he must of course do as he thinks best. Don't let him bully you with that bullshit - you're DS's primary carer and doing a good job, no court in the land would reverse residence when you are supporting good contact and being a loving and responsible mother, and your primary care has been working well for more than half your child's life. There need to be strong grounds to do something that unsettling for a child and your ex has none.

PJ - nearly all of us change identifying details to try to remain a bit less obvious to people we know in real life. It's nicer/easier if your ex's new partner isn't on here, but on the other hand, responses from other people might make her see that they are being unreasonable (about all kinds of things) - so even if she is, it might not be a bad thing :)

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to post. I have decided I am going to tell my ex that I will have Ds Christmas eve and Christmas day untill before lunch. He can then have Ds the rest of Christmas day, boxing day and untill the weekend if he fancies. I plan on explaining that we can do this every year and as I should definitely have a car again soon, that I would be happy to alternate the arrangement if he so wishes, with me picking up Ds before lunch next year and having him the second half of Christmas if that suits.

I think that is more than reasonable.

I just can't bare the idea of exes choices being either I have Ds untill 3pm Christmas eve and then not seeing
him again until the 27th (when I'm back at work anyway) OR I get him boxing day but don't get to see him at all before Christmas and I'm back at work the next day. The more I think about it the more I realize how unreasonable ex is being and I know for a fact there is no way he would let me keep Ds away from him over Christmas like that

That sounds very fair OP.

Can I just add, no one gets 'custody' these days. Both parents usually get parental responsibility (unless circumstances dictate other).

As for threats of taking you to court, let him do it. He's unlikely to get a court hearing before christmas now for a simple visitation matter.

What I would say that if your DS is unhappy then try and get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to be with his dad. You say that you haven't said anything to him but even young children are perceptive and can pick up on tension between their parents.

FWIW I've had Christmas days when my DC have gone off to their father's house at noon and stayed until the 27th. The next year it was my turn to have them for christmas day and boxing day. It might be easier for all concerned if you just rotate each year.

It's very fair - you get Christmas eve, stockings and presents at yours, then he gets Xmas lunch and presents with the other side of his family plus their Boxing day traditions. Win/win - unless you're someone who thinks winner-takes-all is the only way to achieve that moniker.

And please draw a line under his bullying you over seeking residence himself. Politely make it clear you aren't interested in his empty threats, because that's exactly what they are. You're offering a fair split of time over Christmas, and he can take it or leave it. It's unfair to expect you to go without seeing your DS at all - as you say, you have never and would never ask that of him.

Can I just add, no one gets 'custody' these days. Both parents usually get parental responsibility (unless circumstances dictate other).

Custody and access don't exist any longer, but residence and contact do, in England and Wales at any rate (no idea what the deal is in Scotland). PR is automatic for women at birth and conferred automatically on fathers by marriage or being named on the birth certificate. There are joint residence orders (which don't need to be a 50/50 split of time or anything like it) but the most common order, as far as I know, is still residence to one parent and defined contact to the other.

Of course, if parents arrange contact and residence between themselves there doesn't need to be any court order in force at all. But if it's formalised then there are still such orders, they just carry different names.

If I were you, I would say noon for exchange on Christmas Day. Otherwise he could come at eleven for early lunch. Noon is crystal clear to all.

Definitely get legal advice on your situation OP. Judges don't tend to like separating children from their primary carer unless there is good cause. Your illness wasn't your fault, and you recovered from it years ago. It's not valid.

Yes - I'd say a specific time too, whatever suits you. I said 1.30 because that gives you a decent enough morning that DS will hopefully feel he has 'been at home' for Christmas, but it's still plenty of time for his Dad to get him to his Gran's for Christmas Dinner (which you said was at least 2.30pm).

One other thing... you say part of the problem is him not being able to have a drink until he's picked DS up, does that mean they will be staying overnight at Ex's Mum's?? I would worry if he's planning on taking DS back to his Christmas night.

Shiny - she really doesn't need to spend money on legal advice. He will not get residence of DS, it is all empty threats in an attempt to make her fall into line with what he wants. Fortunately PJ isn't going to be falling for his bullying tactics anymore!

This sounds so difficult. I hope you can sort out what's best for son.

Yes I like 1:30 better too. That's fair. Sod him and his drinking.