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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse DD Dad's Christmas Gifts for DD...

42 replies

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 13:16

Hi Ladies

My ex husband has always been very sporadic about being involved in DDs life. He has very recently decided he doesn't want to be involved anymore but I know for a fact he has Christmas Presents for her...

I hadn't really given this much though until my parents brought it up. My Mum is very much of the opinion I should refuse gifts from him for DD and my Dad thinks I should just take what he gives. He doesn't contribute financially and never has.

I am unsure. I can see both points of view. I do wonder why is he even giving gifts when he doesn't want to be involved with DD??

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

magicbiscuits · 15/12/2013 13:18

I also wonder why. Does he just not want to spend time, but is willing to give some token gesture?

Personally I would not refuse the gifts.

LindyHemming · 15/12/2013 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 15/12/2013 13:19

Does she need to be told who they're from?

My thinking is that if he does get back in touch at some point, this is a stick he could use to beat you with, iykwim?

I would probably accept the presents but not say they are from him.

pianodoodle · 15/12/2013 13:20

It is strange...

My feeling would be to take them as your daughter may as well have them as not.

pianodoodle · 15/12/2013 13:20

Depending on the situation you could always just say they're from you.

formerbabe · 15/12/2013 13:23

I would accept them simply so in the future he can't turn round and say you were difficult about things or tried to deny him a part in her life (even though it sounds like he is doing a good job of that himself). I wouldn't tell your dd that they are from him though.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/12/2013 13:26

I would take the gifts, purely so he can't use it as an excuse in the future when your DD asks him why he has had no involvement...

"I tried, but your mum wouldn't even let me give you the Christmas presents I bought you".

bluecheeseforbreakfast · 15/12/2013 13:39

I would take the gifts, open them, give the ones you think dd will like to her as stocking presents from "father Christmas" I'd sell any that you think are inappropriate.

See the gifts as a small financial help for you.

If he really doesn't want to see her he will never know, if he does want to see her just say that she doesn't remember who gave her what.

paxtecum · 15/12/2013 13:46

I would take them.

Imagine if your DD is reconciled with him when she is an adult and the XH tells her that you refused his gifts.

AndiPandi · 15/12/2013 13:48

Of course you should give them to her and I think you should also tell her they are from him! He will make his own mistakes with his daughter but you don't have to. What would you say to her if in the future he decides he wants a relationship and tells her he sent presents she either never got or didn't know we're from him? Don't put yourself in the wrong, far better to tell the truth, you have no idea why he can't mark time to see her but he did send presents, she can then make her own mind up about him based on the facts.

moldingsunbeams · 15/12/2013 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inadreamworld · 15/12/2013 13:52

Take them definitely as you don't want to be seen to be shutting him out of her life even though he is doing that for himself by the sounds of it. Not sure what you should tell her - depends on her age and how you think she would react. I would tell an older child/teenager definitely but if she is very young don't tell her if it would upset her too much.

WooWooOwl · 15/12/2013 13:52

I would let her have the presents. They are not something that has any risk at all of upsetting her or harming her, so I don't think it's within your rights to refuse them.

Your dd is going to grow up knowing that her daddy doesn't care enough to see her, and that's already going to hurt her. Don't take away from her the one tiny little thing she has to make he think her dad hasn't completely forgotten her.

inadreamworld · 15/12/2013 13:55

Just thought about it again and WooWoo has a point. Maybe you should tell her they are from him. But do definitely take them.

Salmotrutta · 15/12/2013 13:56

I have a family member who was led to believe by his mother that his estranged father never sent anything etc.

When he found out that his mother had been a bit economical with the truth he wasn't best impressed.

invicta · 15/12/2013 13:56

Definitely give them to her, and say who they are from.

milk · 15/12/2013 13:59

Give them to her, but depending how old she is will determine your explanation of where the gifts came from.

RedHelenB · 15/12/2013 14:02

Sorry YABU however crap a dad he may be he is giving the presents to his dd - it isn't for you to refuse on her behalf!

BuffyxSummers · 15/12/2013 14:02

You should give her the gifts and tell her who they are from.

JingleBrains · 15/12/2013 14:03

I wouldn't refuse them, no. I think it's a matter of principle to be honest with your DD about her dad. If she wants to refuse the gifts she can do it, I don't think you should do it on her behalf.

DaddyPigsMistress · 15/12/2013 14:44

Give her the gift

Phone csa and get him to financially contribute. Even if he doesnt want to see her he should still pay.

YetAnotherNN · 15/12/2013 15:27

Give her the gifts. When she is older she'll figure things out for herself and it's going to make it so much easier if she knows you weren't ever a barrier to any type of relationship with her father.

I've been in your situation and had to cancel holidays and day trips at a moments notice because of a shitty father turning up on the doorstep... Always after a few cans of larger and after not seeing his DD for months and months on end... It's tough but years later DD thanked me for doing it because it was clear to see her father was the problem not me. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it. It is maddening though.

Sallyingforth · 15/12/2013 15:44

He doesn't contribute financially and never has

Why not? That is his realresponsibility to his child, not the odd present now and again. I would tell him he can give presents when he contributes. Have you been to the CSA?

Original poster

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 19:56

Thanks for all your replies, I will try to respond as best I can to the questions or points raised...

Does he just not want to spend time, but is willing to give some token gesture? Truthfully I think this is his way of trying to feel a little bit better about himself, to no send a gift at Christmas would probably confirm to himself and his family that he really is a waste of space Dad. So I do think it's to ease his own conscious not actually about trying to make our daughter's Christmas special.

How old is DD? She is 2.5, with regards to the comments about saying from me/Father Christmas etc I wouldn't do that. I think if the gifts are accepted she will when the age comes for her to understand know who they are from.

My thinking is that if he does get back in touch at some point, this is a stick he could use to beat you with, iykwim? Most likely but the likelihood of him actually establishing contact with daughter is slim to none, I have always been the one to instigate contact and supervised/invited him to our home but I am not prepared to do this again. He will not go through a court but if by some unfathomable reason he did I would be happy to aid contact but not by supervising myself again. I very much doubt he would ever accept outside supervision either.

Sorry YABU however crap a dad he may be he is giving the presents to his dd - it isn't for you to refuse on her behalf! I don't see how I am being unfair, I was asking for opinions, I never once said I had made up my mind. However, if I decide at any point to refuse them on her behalf I will and I have every right. What I am trying to figure out is what is actually in my DD's best interest. I would never do it out of malicious intent. She is at an age now that it really doesn't matter who her gifts are from, she see's sparkly paper and rips in. They could be from anyone as far as she is concerned. But if a Father has fully admitted he doesn't love nor want to see his child why give a reminder twice a year of what she doesn't have? Especially when she is still too young to realise she doesn't need someone like him.

*He doesn't contribute financially and never has

Why not? That is his realresponsibility to his child, not the odd present now and again. I would tell him he can give presents when he contributes. Have you been to the CSA?*

No I have never been to the CSA, we left when DD was 7 weeks old and I haven't asked for any money. I am considering CSA but am still undecided.

Finally AndiPandi I know full well the reason why he "can't make time for her" which is a very poor word choice. He doesn't want to be part of her life and never truly has since the day she was born. It isn't about making time it's about not wanting to see her quite frankly.

Thanks for your replies, you've all given me something to think about.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 15/12/2013 20:10

I can see why you're not sure of giving them, but ultimately, they're a gift for your DD. I also think you should contact the CSA, as he shouldn't be able to get away without contributing.

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