Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To refuse DD Dad's Christmas Gifts for DD...

42 replies

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 13:16

Hi Ladies

My ex husband has always been very sporadic about being involved in DDs life. He has very recently decided he doesn't want to be involved anymore but I know for a fact he has Christmas Presents for her...

I hadn't really given this much though until my parents brought it up. My Mum is very much of the opinion I should refuse gifts from him for DD and my Dad thinks I should just take what he gives. He doesn't contribute financially and never has.

I am unsure. I can see both points of view. I do wonder why is he even giving gifts when he doesn't want to be involved with DD??

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 20:22

Thanks CET I think at this moment in time I am leaning in that direction as like you say they are for DD. I genuinely do believe the real decision will come in years to come if DD is upset about receiving these from someone she will never remember...

I will consider CSA but with this I am leaning toward not trying to claim for many reasons. Definitely something to look into.

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 15/12/2013 20:23

OP I don't understand why you need to 'consider' the CSA. The father should be contributing to his child's upkeep.
Not every mother is able to support her children single-handed. The more that absent fathers are allowed to duck out of their responsibility, the more it will be considered to be optional. Please do it.

BuffyxSummers · 15/12/2013 20:26

Some absent fathers use CSA and the money thing as weapons to beat the mother with. If she's happy without his money, that's her business.

Sallyingforth · 15/12/2013 20:29

That's why the CSA is there, to act as a buffer and relieve the mother of having to chase him.

BuffyxSummers · 15/12/2013 20:31

I didn't mean chasing him for the money. You get men who assume children are pay per view and if they have to pay money they might as well see them (even though they dont really want to) and then mess the woman around for months about contact. Some women might choose a quiet life over the disruption.

Sallyingforth · 15/12/2013 20:39

I understand that, yes.

Original poster

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 20:39

I fully understand this and you know for every mother who successfully claims good on them!

A couple of the reasons I'm unsure is:-

I don't actually need his money, I work hard and get a little help in the way of rent, tax credits etc my job isn't the best paid in the world but we get by comfortably. I save hard and can take DD away on holiday after a long year and afford to spoil her a bit at Birthday and Christmas.

Due to ex's drinking a drug use (started while I was pregnant) he is generally unable to hold down a job for long, although he has been in his latest for a while. He has also done a lot of cash in hand work etc

I have blocked his number now due to a lot of abusive texts call's etc and really don't want to give him an excuse to come knocking on my door. I have no issue with calling the police on him and have had to do it previously but it is quite a horrible and at times scary situation to be in. There is a majority part of me that thinks I can do it perfectly well alone, I have done for DD's entire life but I'd be lying to say there wasn't a tiny part that thought F You I'll take you for what you have, better in my daughters pocket than going down your throat or up your nose lol.

I know people don't understand why I haven't claimed yet but it really is something that I think we can live without and if he doesn't want DD well I don't want him to think because he is paying pittance that he is doing his bit so to speak.

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 15/12/2013 20:42

I see your point Lively. I'm glad for you that you are able to do without. Others are not in that position.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 15/12/2013 20:45

I would accept them because it is your dd that will lose out if you don't.
I would also give them from FC if this is possible for you and then you can tell her when she is older they were off her dad.
He doesn't deserve you to be amiable, but imo its the best for your dd to accept.

BrianTheMole · 15/12/2013 20:46

I can see your point Lively. In your position I think I would do the same. As for the presents, I'd just let dd have them.

MammaTJ · 15/12/2013 20:47

I get what you are saying but this is money your DD is entitled to, which may allow YOU to provide that little bit extra for her.

Original poster

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 20:58

I really don't think it's necessary to tell her who her gifts are from as she doesn't really understand. Obviously we do thank you cards etc to people but at 2.5 she doesn't know. But I would never lie saying they were from FC, if we kept them she would know (prob next year) who they were from, I'm just worried she gets upset. She is starting to understand about Daddy's and I know she will ask why she doesn't see her Daddy and it would probably confuse a child as to why they get gifts from Daddy twice a year but who is this Daddy?

Like I said in OP I hadn't really thought about it much, we have always accepted his gifts in the past even though he didn't see her it just got brought to my attention this year since he has specifically stated he wants nothing to do with her.

I know, I am lucky to be in the position I am and I am lucky to have a very supportive family who if I ever needed would be more than happy to help out although I haven't ever been in a position I've needed financial help from them and touch wood I don't ever have to be.

I will think about the CSA but at the moment I honestly can't see what the point is...

OP posts:

stickysausages · 15/12/2013 21:04

We had a crazy relative who used to send us gifts, Easter eggs etc... it was just to cause hassle & stress for my mum, who then had to deal with it & so they could play the victim "not even allowed to give presents" one year they gave me & my sibling the gifts directly, so my mum would have been the bad guy saying we couldn't keep them.

Justforlaughs · 15/12/2013 21:15

If it helps, I had a DC when I was quite young. His father was married (not making any excuses) and didn't want to know. When we were in hospital after giving birth we had a visit from DS's father.He brought a gift, a cuddly toy rabbit from a card shop/ hospital gift shop (not suitable for under 3's) We have never seen him since, a few years later (DS was about 3) I gave all DS's unwanted cuddly toys away to children in an orphanage, including, inadvertently the rabbit. I have never forgiven myself for doing so, it wasn't deliberate, just got caught up with the others. I feel very strongly that it was the only thing he was ever given by his "Dad" and it should have been kept. Please, give your DD any gifts he sends her and tell her who they are from. Even down to keeping a record of them for the future. She will one day make up her own mind about her relationship/ lack of one with her father. Don't let her have any reason to blame you.

Original poster

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 21:22

Thanks everyone. It has helped I do think it's better off for the time being of we just accept. Besides from everything else it may cause repercussions of its own if I refuse.

Thank you

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 15/12/2013 21:57

Have a great Christmas OP

Original poster

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 22:30

Thank you. You too honey x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2