Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think that posting about a friends family member dying on facebook

45 replies

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 15/12/2013 12:16

When she had only died two hours ago is ....well what is it.?????
So as not to drop feed .My sister's kids are upset because they found out about their mum's step sister passing on facebook.
Two hours she had been dead surely anyone could work out that not all the family might not have heard in such a small space of time.
I'm posting on here because I want to know if I'm in the minority in feeling this way.
If wise mumsnetters tell me I am then all well and good .

OP posts:

PlainBrownEnvelope · 15/12/2013 12:22

so, for clarity, who posted and what was their relationship to the deceased?

wheretoyougonow · 15/12/2013 12:23

If I'm honest I think it's weird to post a death announcement on Facebook especially so quickly. When I have lost a loved one it has never crossed my mind to say on Facebook.
I think it's awful family find out like this. I remember a case of a foreign student being murdered and his mum found out via Facebook before the police had located her. Very bad form.

Original poster

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 15/12/2013 12:33

It's complicated slightly.
My mum and dad divorced.
Some years later (no affairs or anything) my dad remarried .my mum's cousin.
Mum's cousin now becomes my step mum as well ad being my second cousin .
My step sister sadly passes away after a long battle.
My other step sister has a friend .She is the one that posted it on facebook .

OP posts:

PlainBrownEnvelope · 15/12/2013 12:36

In that case YANBU. The poster was in appropriately distant from the affected oerson to make the post. Smacks of a grief wank.

MamaBear17 · 15/12/2013 12:37

I hate this. My uncles step daughter posted an 'rip' status at 7am, minutes after she had been told about a family members death. The deceased's own children hadn't even been told. I asked her to take it down and she gave me a load of abuse. She hadn't seen the family member in 10years and didn't come to the funeral, but thought it was ok to post an 'OMG, devastated! Can't believe this has happened, can't stop crying! RIP family member!' status so that all of her face book friends would give her attention. I hate people like this. Haven't spoken to the stupid bitch since.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 12:39

What PlainBrownEnvelope said; Facebook makes me shudder and I never log on anymore. It's not about friends and family really now; so many people have 'friends' on there they don't even know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 12:40

Also MamaBear17's post - it hurts real people who are genuinely grieving.

desertmum · 15/12/2013 12:44

YANBU - it is attention seeking. I'm not even in in a fit state to post after losing one of my dogs, let alone when my parents died. So sad that people need to jump onto other people's grief just to get attention.

DeepThought · 15/12/2013 12:45

I don't understand it but I'm old and quite staid

My (very much younger) sibling posted the birth announcement of their firstborn on FB before my other siblings were told. My one sister was ever so upset

ScarletLady02 · 15/12/2013 12:46

I don't like it either...my Mum is in the final stages of cancer at the moment and could die any day. I haven't even put anything about the illness on Facebook (those who need to know...DO know) and I won't be "announcing" the death on Facebook either. This will mostly be so my Dad doesn't have to deal with loads of people contacting him asking him questions etc at such a difficult time. If someone else posted something about my Mum like that I think I would be furious with them to be honest.

Balistapus · 15/12/2013 12:49

Another agreeing with PlainBrownEnvelope.
The majority of posts on FB seem to be about getting attention/ showing off " look where I've just been for dinner/ on hols, etc", but hijacking someone else's grief for attention is pretty low.

Original poster

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 15/12/2013 12:51

I'm not old or anything.I believe when facebook works its great for keeping in touch.But when it doesnt work it's horrendous.
I thought the post was all about her.
I'm cross on behalf of my sister but realise it's inappropriate to say anything at this time.
I used the term to my sister that she was bathing in the puddles of other people's misery.but a grief wank says it so more succinctly.

OP posts:

magesticmallow · 15/12/2013 12:57

RIP'ing of any kind at any time is inappropriate attention seeking, as are messages to the dead at anniversaries.

I know someone who went to a funeral and put a picture of the coffin on fb AND TAGGED the person in the coffin

Some people have no cop on, YANBU

magesticmallow · 15/12/2013 12:59

Rip'ing on fb obviously

Mitchell2 · 15/12/2013 13:11

YANBU I see this happening more and more on my feed. Mostly its to do with people who are gossipy or needy in RL or with my younger relatives who seem to over share.

To be honest in the former case these are the people who if you lived in a small community would be spreading gossip like wildfire anyway - its just with FB/Twitter and the like it's more immediate and far reaching now!

at grief wank - brilliant term and I shall be using that in the future.

TheMaw · 15/12/2013 13:16

I find it really weird that people do this (LOVE the phrase 'grief wank'!) but I can understand that people want to aknowledge a loss and maybe get some sympathy. But not so soon to them passing, that's insane and actually, pretty distrespectful.

MrsMoon76 · 15/12/2013 13:24

At the moment an old friend of mine is posting updates on his father's sudden and terminal illness on fb. I am very disturbed by it tbh. Not EVERYONE needs to know the personal and private details of this lovely man's illness.

blahe · 15/12/2013 13:48

My Dad was terminally ill this time last year and I did use FB as a tool to let friends and family know how he was doing.

This was with permission from my Mum who had been inundated with phone calls about how he was and who was struggling with the enormity of it all. My family is spread all around the world and the time zones made it very difficult for some members to speak to Mum. They were very grateful for my updates.

The only person who did have an issue with it was ........mine and my mum's hairdresser...... He told me to stop posting on FB as it was "insensitive"...... to whom I am not actually sure as my parents wanted me to.

It also meant that old friends of my parents who they were only loosely in contact with got back in touch and made a huge effort to go and see my Dad which was such a boost for him. .........unlike the hairdresser who found it all "too distressing" to see him even though my Dad had taught him his trade decades ago (but not close friends).

Lindtmuncher · 15/12/2013 13:55

My dad died yesterday evening and I found out when I logged onto facebook - to say that I was shocked would be an understatement. My sister had announced it within minutes and still hasn't contacted any of us siblings (they were also shocked to find out this way) and yes I have tried to contact her and have left messages which she has read but not replied to.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/12/2013 13:56

I can see that in this case it may have been insensitive and obviously it's awful to do that when people haven't yet heard.

But some of the comments here are really inappropriate too. If someone is genuinely grieving, they have a right to do that as they wish. It's none of your business if someone wants to put up 'RIP' messages at an anniversary on facebook. People are different. It doesn't make grief less genuine if you express it on the net.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 14:04

Not quite the same though is it, LRD? Random 'friends' posting news about other people? Siblings posting on FB before notifying other family? Bizarre. I think it is anyway and there are a lot of 'grief vampires' out there who are not grieving as they didn't know the person. That's not grief, is it?

My family (some of it) does and whilst I'm happy to see their updates, I'm not interested in their friends of friends of friends of friends ad nauseum. In my opinion, FB has been spoiled by mawkishness. However, I don't go on there anymore so it really doesn't affect me.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/12/2013 14:07

I did say I was referring to some of the comments, lying - I don't see how it's not the same. Some of the comments here are making general statements about it not being appropriate, they're not just talking about a specific situation, and I think that's hurtful (I'm sure unintentionally so).

Of course it's inappropriate to post before family know. I acknowledged that. But posting a RIP status on an anniversary, inappropriate? Why?! I have a mate who remembers her much-loved grandmother like that and she'd be so upset to hear anyone sneer about it. It's not 'mawkish', it's her gesture of love and respect to someone she loved who is dead.

TaraLott · 15/12/2013 14:18

Some people do seem to like to be the one's in the know though, a friend posting shouldn't really be doing it imo.
My DSs wife had a baby recently and one of his friends announced it on facebook before the whole family knew.
Tagged him in it so it appeared on his FB.

Balistapus · 15/12/2013 14:18

This behaviour reminds me of Princess Diana's funeral when there was a woman in the crowd, wailing and with knashing of teeth, who appeared to be trying to throw herself under the hearse.

Sadly, I've seen genuine distraught grief in real life ( a young man died in a fight outside my appartment in Brussels. The Belgian police thought it wise to bring the man's mother to the scene to identify him.)

I doubt very much that the Diana attendee had ever even met the woman.

BoJolly · 15/12/2013 14:20

Lindtmuncher - sorry for your loss and the awful way you had to find out.

Flip

1 2